A Statement On The Haitian Disaster, And The Reaction You Could Be Excused For Expecting.

WASHINGTON DC- (Drugmonkey News Service) In remarks delivered today at The White House, President Obama pledged American aid to victims of the recent earthquake in Haiti, which is feared to have killed as many as 100,000 people and left many more thousands homeless and hungry as the impoverished nation struggles to cope with the disaster's aftermath.

"This morning, I can report that the first waves of our rescue and relief workers are on the ground and at work. A survey team worked overnight to identify priority areas for assistance, and search and rescue teams are actively working to save lives. Our military has secured the airport and prepared it to receive the heavy equipment and resources that are on the way. An airlift has been set up to deliver high-priority items like water and medicine. And we're coordinating closely with the Haitian government, the United Nations, and other countries who are also on the ground."

The president also added a message to the Haitian people:

"Few in the world have endured the hardships that you have known. Long before this tragedy, daily life itself was often a bitter struggle. And after suffering so much for so long, to face this new horror must cause some to look up and ask, have we somehow been forsaken?

To the people of Haiti, we say clearly, and with conviction, you will not be forsaken; you will not be forgotten."

Reaction from Congressional Republicans was swift.

"This president just does not seem to understand that earthquakes are vital, natural, processes necessary for the development of mountains and many of the other geographical features we have come to depend upon" said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel at a press conference on Capitol Hill. "If it were up to this President we would surely be living in a mountain-free country completely free of elevation change. Altitude is a vital part of America, and I want the American people to know The Republican Party is squarely on the side of diversity in the landscape."

Criticism of Obama took place outside of Washington as well.

"Do you know who else expressed sympathy for earthquake victims? HITLER!!!!!!!!" said Tea Party activist Jeffrey McQueen in an interview outside his home. "He released a statement of condolence to the Japanese people after the 1933 Sanriku earthquake. As someone of partial Jewish heritage I'm more than a little concerned about the similarities."

"Think about it" McQueen sneered before slamming the door in a reporter's face.

On his television program "The 700 Club" televangelist Pat Robertson took issue with the declaration that the Haitian people are not forsaken.

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti and people might not want to talk about," Robertson said Tuesday.

"They were under the heel of the French, you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.' True story. And so the devil said, 'Ok it’s a deal.' And they kicked the French out. The Haitians revolted and got something themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another," Robertson said.

In the Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince, people not in the process of a slow agonizing death trapped under tons of rubble appeared baffled.

"They are not contagious are they? The crazy Americans?" said resident Jean-Claude DuPassant. "Perhaps I should wash my packet of aid before I open it."

Parts of this story not made up:

-The Obama quotes.

-Teabagger Jeffrey McQueen saying his partial Jewish heritage makes him concerned about President Obama's similarity to Hitler (it's at around the 11 minute mark if you click on the link & listen)

-Everything here about Pat Robertson, who finished second in the 1988 Iowa Republican presidential caucus, ahead of George H.W. Bush.