Bizarro Customer Of The Day......

It started off like any other of the dozens of numbnuts every day that insist on interrupting me while I'm trying to fill your prescription. Except.......there's no way I heard that right.

"I'm sorry, you want to know where the what is sir?"

"The neck stretcher"

Stunned silence from the drugnazi. A realization that he wasn't asking whether we carried a neck stretcher, but just needed a little guidance as to where it would be, confident that any corner drugstore would have such a thing.

The customer goes on to describe some sort of contraption involving weights and pulleys and hanging something on the other side of a door. His neck looked to be about average in length.

"OK drugnazi" I say to myself. "This is obviously some sort of joke, and he wants you to play along. "

"You're not talking about a noose are you?"

The customer was not amused. As he left we were both convinced we had just talked to the biggest goddamn idiot on the face of the earth.

This was followed by a lady demanding that I give her antibiotics because she didn't want to see a doctor. She was convinced she had an infection based on only one symptom, her heart was beating fast.

Release the scotch...........

As You Can Imagine, I've Been Called Many Things Over The Course Of My Career.

Ironically enough, I'm not sure I've ever been called a Nazi, although I couldn't rule out that possibility.

Tonight though, I was accused of taking advantage of vulnerable young women, many of them scared and desperate to escape a life of abuse, of winning their trust only to ruthlessly exploit their one and only asset for my own financial gain, keeping them under my spell using any means of violence necessary, using them until they were no longer of any value to me then abandoning their drug addicted, diseased shell of a former human self to an inevitable early death.

The customer was happy I was able to finish her prescription earlier than expected, and told me I was a pimp with a big smile on her face.

Surely it is a sign of my advancing years that it took me a while to realize I was being complimented.

And I'd like 2 Boxes Of Dirt For The Janitor's Supply Closet Please......

Overheard today in a conversation between the store manager and the district office:

"Oh.....and I need to order two copies of the anti-clutter manual"

That someone saw fit to create an "anti-clutter manual" is odd enough. The fact we needed two copies is confirmation yet again that I live in a bizarro alternate universe.

I Never Realized Just How Much Of A Badass I Am. You Want A Piece Of Me Punk?

I admit it. Sliding pills across a plastic tray all day long can get a bit boring. So to help pass the time I'll occasionally come up with little projects to keep my mind occupied. Today for instance, as I swung open the gate to start the day's prescription action, I decided to keep track of how long it would be until a customer came to the counter that I judged I couldn't take in a fight.

Much to my surprise, I made it through the whole damn day. I could have taken them all.

Old ladies? They don't want none of me.

Mr. Early Vicodin refill? Hell, he'd probably pay me to kick his ass so he could go running to the urgent care for an upgrade to Norco.

Asthmatics? Please.

The only doubt came at around 2 o'clock with the 300 pound diabetic. As I took a good look at him, I realized the traditional kick to the nads might not work, as there was so much overhang from his belly I was pretty sure the family jewels were protected by a substantial fat layer. In the end I decided the "rope a dope" strategy made famous by Muhammed Ali would be the way to go. It took George Foreman 8 rounds to punch himself weary in the "Rumble In The Jungle", but looking over the diabetic, I knew five, ten seconds max and I would be ready to move in for the kill.

Other than that it was never even close. I am the Mike Tyson of pharmacy. To the old and sick of America I say only............. you have been warned.

You Think Jeffrey Dahmer Ever Worked Retail?

I'm Too lazy to post tonight, as I've got the late night/early morning thing happening at work, but fear not fans of the drugnazi, for I will leave you in the hands of linkee RomiusTexis. If there is a better description of the pain of retail than this post, I have not read it.

Do yourself a favor and click here now.

I Think The LSD Is Wearing Off Now. (Part III Of A Blog Trilogy)

Oh man, I should have known something was up when the balding, middle aged, paunchy white guy asked me to lick the stamp for his letter. Said his Viagra was giving him a dry mouth and he really needed to get this in the mail. Evidently it was his idea of a sick joke to slip the pharmacist some acid right before closing time. You wouldn't believe the things I saw. My hand melted. Caravans of Mexican supermodels were crossing the desert in Hummers with the air conditioning cranked. The lead Hummer was driven by a guy in a suit with a head that looked like a box of Tide. Freddy Mercury was in front of a Safeway wearing a wedding dress. Weird shit man. Thank God it was just some sort of bad dream.

So yeah.....sorry I couldn't post tonight. I'm gonna go sleep this off and be happy my hands are back.

My First Post As A Republican. (Part II Of A Blog Trilogy)

I'm a little nervous, you know, 180 degree turn in political philosophy and all, but here goes.

I don't understand why poor people hate America so much. I mean Jesus Christ, I wish I was poor. The dream homes of south central Los Angeles, the opportunity to live amongst the high society of Crips and Bloods, the glamour of waiting in line for food stamps. Yet all these ungrateful schmucks can do is gripe about how tired they are after working 2 seven dollar an hour jobs for 12 hours a day, or how they want an apartment without cockroaches. Hell, when I was a kid we couldn't afford ANY pets!

And what's the deal with all these illegal immigrants? Coming across the desert in caravans of air-conditioned Hummers to take all our jobs. Just yesterday they fired the pharmacist I worked with and replaced her with some guy named Javier. Javier doesn't speak English very well, but from what I understand, he told me he made the 3,000 mile trip from Oaxaca because he got bronchitis and he heard he could get a free Proventil inhaler in the US. He also said he wasn't willing to take any job that didn't pay at least $80,000 a year, and that 3 other people that snuck across the border with him now work as supermodels. Another is the CEO of Proctor and Gamble. Any intelligent person can see we must stop these immigrants to protect our way of life.

What I really need right now is a tax cut.

And the gay people. Don't even get me started on the gay people. What's with them coming up to me out of the blue and proposing marriage? Every time I try to go to the grocery store there's some mustached Freddy Mercury look alike there wearing a wedding gown asking me to radically alter the institution of matrimony. Obviously this is a part of the wider homosexual agenda Jerry Falwell keeps telling me about. If the gays aren't stopped then the terrorists have won, that's what I say, and if you don't think like me, then you're a liberal terrorist that hates America just like poor people do.

Oh, and my tax cut. If I don't get my tax cut the terrorists have won too.

A Reader Shares Their Thoughts, And Changes My Life. (Part I Of A Blog Trilogy)

I should have expected this.

Using the word "liberal" in turn of the 21st century America is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Except in this case the bull is usually a balding, middle aged, paunchy know it all white guy. Think of the guy who doesn't bat an eye when you tell him his Viagra isn't covered on his insurance plan then whips out his credit card. That kind of guy. I used the "L" word right in a post's headline, so sure enough right on cue the next morning this is waiting in my mailbox:

How can you call yourself a liberal? Your a Pharmacist, in the top 10% of all incomes in the good 'ole US of A. Do you like being taxed to death to fund all the sick lame and lazy people in this country. That is what your average tax and spend liberal wants. I hope you feel good about being a "liberal" every time a worthless state mediciad recipient comes into your Pharmacy. At least you will know where that 35% of your patcheck is going. If the liberals have there way it will be closed to 60%. At least then Mary Rottencrotch and her 16 kids from 16 different guys will be able to get Pulmicourt repules, Xopenex and Sigular chewable for all 16 kids minor runny noses. By the way your blog is funny as hell. Every Pharmacists goes through what you blog about on a daily basis. Its funny to read someone else observations of the ridiculous stuff we have to deal with.

My first thought upon reading this was an uncontrollable urge to raise taxes. That way we could afford to fund our public schools so someday I could stop getting comments with such disregard for the rules of grammar and spelling of the English language. Then I saw it. I read the message again to make sure. Yes. A connection to my very soul was being made.

I read the message a third time. What was so mesmerizing was how the words were obviously written just for me. The way AJ, the person who cared enough to write, didn't just spit up the same right wing drool that one can hear up and down the AM radio dial, see on Fox news, read in The Washington Times or hear wherever middle aged white people talk amongst themselves. AJ carefully took my thoughts on hospital charity care, which he obviously read very carefully, and by adding his own unique, personal take on what I had written, which he obviously read very carefully, was able to show me the error of my ways in a way Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly or the guys down at the elks lodge never could. Thank you AJ. Thanks to your intervention I now realize:

1) The fact I own property in the most insane real estate market in human history and drive a two year old paid for car are signs that I am being taxed to death.

2) That social services are the only thing the government spends tax dollars on. It really was a relief to find out that the war in Iraq, a war that I despise, a war that I hate with every past, current and future living part of me, is evidently not costing us a single dollar. Maybe Bush Sr. got a "buy one get one free" special on the first Gulf War. Republicans are smarter that the rest of you, and since I've only been one for about 5 minutes, I'll leave it up to them to explain how the free war thing works.

3) There is no such thing as a rich slut. That the fact Paris Hilton doesn't have 16 different kids by 16 different guys has nothing to do with the fact liberals have fought for a woman's right to contraception access.

I feel like AJ has removed the cataracts from my eyes, but also foolish for having wasted so many years taxing myself to death. I vow to you, to each and every reader of this blog, that I will make up for lost time. That I, the drugnazi, will so help me God turn this blog into every tax and spend hippie fornicator's worst nightmare.

Let's get started.

You Know Why I'm A Liberal? Because I'm A Selfish Bastard And The World Revolves Around Me, That's Why

I don't hate gay guys. Not at all. Why? Because every penis that decides to chase another penis means more women for ME! I wish all guys were gay, and not Rock Hudson in the closet gay either. I wish every single male besides myself were flamboyantly fabulous to the extreme Village People kinda gay, so there's no doubt for the ladies that I'm the only game in town. ME!

I want homeless people to get the help they need to make their sorry asses productive members of society. Why?

1) I want to walk down the street someday without seeing them , smelling them, or hearing them ask for my spare change.

2) If they get jobs, that widens the tax base, meaning I pay less. ME!

3) I have heard rumors that some homeless people might be mentally ill. If it turns out there is some truth to this, then getting them the meds that stop the voices in their heads will mean more business for, and therefore more money for......ME!

Evidently I'm not the only greedy bastard out there. It seems like a few hospitals have figured out that offering free care means more for THEM! That's right, giving away their product saves them money. I'll let today's New York Times explain:

AUSTIN, Tex. — Unable to afford health insurance, Dee Dee Dodd had for years been mixing occasional doctor visits with clumsy efforts to self-manage her insulin-dependent diabetes, getting sicker all the while

In one 18-month period, Ms. Dodd, 38, was rushed almost monthly to the emergency room, spent weeks in the intensive care unit and accumulated more than $191,000 in unpaid bills.

That is when nurses at the Seton Family of Hospitals tagged her as a “frequent flier,” a repeat visitor whose ailments — and expenses — might be curbed with more regular care. The hospital began offering her free primary care through its charity program.

With patients like Ms. Dodd, “they can have better care and we can reduce the costs for the hospital,” said Dr. Melissa Smith, medical director of three community health centers run by Seton, a Roman Catholic hospital network that uses its profits and donations to provide nearly free care to 5,000 of the working poor. Over the last 18 months, Ms. Dodd’s health has improved, and her medical bills have been cut nearly in half.

Now who do you think ends up paying the $191,000 tab patients like this ring up? That's right, ME! and YOU! through higher taxes and insurance premiums. So by being smarter about it's charity care, this hospital cuts our bill in half. More for everyone! But most importantly, more for ME!

The other alternative of course is to cut off all charity care and let poor people with diabetes, asthma, heart disease and other chronic conditions die in the streets. If you think this is a viable option, then seriously, I don't want to be in the same society as you. Please go to Alabama and form your own country, with my apologies that we didn't let that state leave the first time it tried. Getting back to the Times story:

Other answers to the insurance crisis are being tried around the country, including the creation of subsidized, bare-bones policies for small businesses. Vermont, Maine and especially Massachusetts are using combinations of state and federal money and employer mandates to extend insurance.

Still, only a fraction of the uninsured, in Central Texas and in most other states, are benefiting.

“All these local efforts are commendable, but they are like sticking fingers in the dikes,” Ms. Davis of the Commonwealth Fund said,

I suppose based on what I said earlier I should hate dikes, since they generally don't want me sticking fingers or anything else in them. From what I've seen however, the dikes are no great loss to the average straight guy.

Getting back to the point of this post though, the hospital in Austin becomes more.....liberal about it's charity care, ends up saving money and making more resources available for us all. Remember that the next time some gasbag, condescending caveman conservative tries to tell you liberal ideas just don't work in the real world.

Survey Says........18% Of People May Not Have Heard The Question

So I'm leafing through a copy of the trade magazine Drug Topics shortly before closing time tonight. I like reading a well-written publication that can hold your attention and even entertain a little while it keeps you up on the latest happenings in the profession, but I was leafing through the Drug Topics anyway. I was bored. Buried deep in an insomnia-busting piece entitled "Consumers happy with pharmacy experience" I find this nugget of information:

Eighty-two percent of respondents indicated that it was very important to have prescriptions filled accurately

Yesterday I would have thought this question too incredibly stupid to ask, today I learn almost 1 in 5 people don't sweat it too much if I fuck something up now and then.

Sweet.