Blog Posts That Somehow Didn't Get Me Fired #2

Almost forgot about this one until a reminder showed up in the mail bag tonight. Original air date, December 21st, 2007:

I May Be Single Handedly Responsible For Every Chain Pharmacy In This Country Being Woefully Understaffed

Why? Because Corpo-pharmacy bigwigs know that the very second I am not drowning in prescriptions, things like this start happening to their displays.




The horses have been going at it for two days now. If anyone bothers to notice, and figure out the source, It'll probably make my lobbying for more tech help a little harder.

Does make the 12 hour day go a bit quicker though.

Good Morning Rite Aid!!

How are you?? I'm so glad that you want to keep in touch. As you can imagine, I was a little surprised when I checked my hit logs and saw that someone from the corporate office is still visiting my humble little blog garden several times a day. But then, I realized that since you can't really be plotting to fire someone who isn't working for you anymore, you must be coming around because you like what you see. I'm flattered. Maybe all that striving to be the next Jon Stewart, the next Stephen Colbert, to become the next Onion is starting to pay off.

Do you like Jon Stewart Mr. Rite Aid Corporate Hack that can't get enough of my writing? Do you think Stephen Colbert is real? When he testified in front of Congress did you think he was a newscaster giving journalistic insight into one of the major issues of the day?

I hope you didn't. Because that would make you really stupid. Someone who would have to have explained to them that people like Colbert, Stewart, and the writers of The Onion use satire and outrageous behavior to make larger points simply wouldn't have the brainpower to be an executive at a successful drugstore chain, a goal I know you must aspire to while putting in time at your current job. I know you get it though, because when I tried to explain this to you the last time we talked, you totally cut me off, like you already understood.

Which can only mean this violence in the workplace policy you claim was violated was meant to provide protection from fictional characters like Stephen Colbert and The Drugmonkey. You did notice that on the day of our final meeting my name had never appeared on this blog, right? That this wasn't a blog by David, but a blog written in the character of The Drugmonkey, correct?

Of course you did. Because you're really smart.

You must really take your fiction seriously Mr. Hack. Because when I, David, called your media people to get information on your plans to bring in scabs should a Southern California strike happen, I was told that this was only an "unsubstantiated rumor"

So, when The Drugmonkey wrote that any scabs that come out here deserve to have their ass kicked "so hard their rectum ends up in front of their incisors" you immediately swung into action. To protect an unsubstantiated rumor from a fictional character.

I can only hope that someday you'll treat real people as well.

Just to show there's no hard feelings though, I'll leave you with an entertaining little clip that I'm sure I won't have to explain to you.

Or will I?

Off With The Lab Coat And On With The Fedora. An Open Call For Evidence Of Scabbage And Good Pharmacy Preceptors.

So, for the moment, my job is as a writer. A journalist specifically. I think I'd look pretty good in one of those hats with a piece of paper marked "PRESS" tucked in the band.

And I kinda hope the moment lasts. It's fun to spar a little with corporate media relations folks. Friday I called Rite Aid's to see if I could get a take on their plans to bring in scabs should a Southern California strike go down. She bobbed and weaved, and said the policy is not to comment on "unsubstantiated rumors."  I then asked her flat out if the company was going to bring in replacement workers and she said she would get back to me.

You have no idea how much I would like to call her back with evidence in hand. No idea.

So, my Rite Aid friends, talk to me some more. Did the company put any of their plans in writing? Is there a name of the person making calls rounding up people to head out west? Tell me what you know and I assure you no one ever finds out where I got my scoop. No piece of info is too small. Once we get some solid evidence of what they're doing we can take this story off the blogosphere and into the mainstream media, where people who deserve to know what's happening will see it.

On a lighter note, I've also been assigned a feature piece on pharmacy preceptors. If you've ever been or had one you know their importance to the profession. I still, to this day, surprise myself by parroting something said or done by my preceptor long ago. So, we're looking to explore the subject a little bit. How to become one, the ups and downs and challenges and rewards involved, and of course, any great stories. I know there are great stories out there. I had been behind a pharmacy counter a grand total of five minutes when I spilled a bottle of (very expensive) Capoten all over the floor. Had it not been for my preceptor calming me down, I might have gone down the career path of a grocery clerk.

Which would mean I'd have a steady job right now. Hm. I'll have to ponder that awhile. Reach me at drugmonkeyrph at gmail with your scoops or stories.

Tonight, The First In A New Series: Blog Posts That Somehow Did *Not* Get Me Fired.

Before I say anything, I have to tell you how touched and how honored I am by all your kind words. There have been times the heartfelt feelings so many have zapped my way these last few days have had me close to tears, and I can't thank you enough. I want to grab all your faces and plant a big kiss on all your foreheads. You my friends, inspire me.

So, if they thought I would shut up, they were very, very, wrong. The fight continues.

For those of you just tuning in, I'll let you know that Rite Aid and I parted ways last week because I said mean things about the scabs they are planning to bring to California should a looming strike actually go down. Specifically, that anyone who comes out here to break a strike that involves people who want things like the ability to get sick and not go bankrupt should have their ass kicked.

In light of how sensitive they were on this subject, I thought it might be interesting to look back and see some of the things the company was apparently OK with. Through the magic time machine we go to a post originally published on July 21st, 2007:

Mary Sammons, Pharmacy MILF.


I have never thought it fair that women receive the vast majority of sexual harassment opportunities. For years I have seethed with jealousy as the attractive women around me get chance after chance to to enter the world of higher pay, cushy assignments, and all expense paid travel and meals while I am stuck working for a living. I have prayed and hoped and dreamed of the day the executive glass ceiling would be shattered so that I too could have my share of uncomfortable swats on the ass and porn "accidentally" left on the office computer. It's my human right to be harassed.

Well things may be looking up in my industry. Meet Mary Sammons, CEO of #3 Drug retailer Rite Aid:



Mary may not be getting invitations to the Playboy Mansion, but when compared to the type of person we usually find at the helm of Fortune 500 corporations, I think you'll agree she's smokin.' Here's a picture of Lee Raymond, the former CEO of Exxon:

Lee was recently given a retirement package worth $400 million. Perhaps because everyone else at the company couldn't stand to look at him anymore.

In Mary's case though, the Drugmonkey could easily find himself caught in the web of power, money and luxury that someone in her position could weave. And she is a titan of the industry that employs me. I could see it now..............

(fade into dream sequence here.)

The Drugmonkey is in the middle of just another average day in his new job, simultaneously on hold with a doctors office, another drugstore and the help desk of Blue Cross of Lower Damnation. The line at the counter is 5 deep, and the fax machine is working non stop. In walks an elegant older woman in a business suit right past the chaos....she stands uncomfortably close to the Drugmonkey.

"Hello Drugmonkey. I just wanted to stop by to tell you how glad we are to have you on board, and to tell you about our...... bonus....... program" She touches the Drugmonkey a tad inappropriately. "You like bonuses don't you Drugmonkey? Do you have a minute?"

Drugmonkey: "Um, actually, I don't, take a look out there at your store."

"I see, well, I'll make a few phone calls while you make me some money."

Lunatic Customer: HOW MUCH LONGER?????????

Sammons, speaking with an air of authority into her PDA/Cellphone/MP3 player/Space Shuttle: "Johnson? Sammons. Giving a green light to the pharmacy staff cuts you outlined in your memo. A 10% increase in prescriptions filled per person will be our goal."

Customer Number 2: ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT SOME PILLS IN A BOTTLE!!!!!

Sammons: "AT&T? I need to order 5 more phone lines to be put in each of my stores"

Sammons then slowly saunters back to the Drugmonkey and whispers in his ear........"I can see you're busy....when you're free, I'm in room 869 of the Ritz-Carlton.....remember....with me.... it's personal."

Customer Number 3: WHERE IS THE MOTOR OIL? HHHEEELLLOOOOOO....CAN I GET SOME SERVICE?

Drugmonkey: "Ms. Sammons, don't think I'm not picking up on the signals you're sending, but can't you see that your policies are precisely the reason we will never make sweet love? I don't have time to urinate when I'm working for you, and holding it in for 12 hours can't be good for penile health. And by the time I'm free Ms. Sammons, the only use I will have for a bed will be for sleeping...."

Sammons looks at the Drugmonkey with a mixture of sadness and confusion.

"Mary, if you ever want some Drugmonkey lovin' you're gonna have to make some changes. I'll never be able to do nooners unless I get a lunch break."

Mary's eyes lock onto the Drugmonkey's for what seems like an eternity. Her cellphone rings and it goes unanswered. Softly, she says:

"I'll do it. Mary Sammons always gets what she wants, and I want you Drugmonkey."

My friends, the power of my raw animalistic sexual attractiveness may be just the thing that saves what is left of our profession. I owe it to you to apply for a position at Rite Aid soon. Wish me luck.

______________________________________


I gotta come clean here. I was already working for Rite Aid when I wrote that, and things didn't quite work out the way I had envisioned. I took a bold gamble hoping to win the heart of  Mary Sammons, and while the silence from the pharmacy MILF who had just engineered the deal that would cripple the company with a $6.4 billion debt was a little heartbreaking,  I did learn that evidently it was kosher to broadcast sexually suggestive remarks about my boss to the world.

Perhaps because she was secretly hot for me. We'll probably never know.

By the way,  let me just say that any scabs that come out here to break a strike deserve to have their ass kicked. I believe the line was "so hard their rectum ends up past their incisors"

Ha ha. The result of firing me for saying that once is that I said it twice. Making their actions about as effective here as their Brooks Eckerd deal was profitable.

As time went on though, I learned the company was cool with all sorts of things you could say about them. Stay tuned my friends......

From This Day Forward, I Will Practice Pharmacy.

"OK this is important" I told my friend. "Make sure the doctor knows she's in pain, and that the problem isn't itching"

The person in pain was my dear friend's mother. She suffers from Alzheimer's disease you see. I've seen her ask for her daughter, my dear friend, while her daughter was three feet in front of her. She's called me a dentist, a lawyer, the name of a family friend, and tonight asked me four times in an hour when I would be moving. I have no plans to move.

Mom is also a wonderful woman with a smile that will melt your heart and a heart of gold.

This night though, mom was battling a painful bout of hemorrhoids, suffering and making a hard job a little harder for her daughter.

Her daughter, you see, has put her life on hold to be her full time caregiver. If you've never known love you probably won't understand why.

The problem with an Alzheimer's patient in pain is that it's more than pain. The stress leads to more confusion, more anxiety, more feelings of fright. Imagine being in pain and not being quite sure why.

I was sure that once the pain part was made clear, a prescription for hydrocortisone and lidocaine would be on the way. Or at least pramoxine. Nope. When the prescription was picked up it was for 2.5% hydrocortisone only. For those of you playing along at home, hydrocortisone treats itching, and lidocaine and pramoxine are the pain relievers. To top it off, there wasn't even a rectal applicator. Holy fuckup Batman.

I swung into action. "OK, until we can get this straightened out, what you need is the green label Preparation H. Everyone knows the blue label, but the green is the one with the pain reliever"

Later that night I got a report that the green label had done the trick and things had stabilized. I did a little dance and chanted "who's the drugmaster/who's the drugmaster/who's the drugmaster/ me me me." Because that, my friends, is practicing pharmacy. You spend your time using the drug facts that are in your head to help a person. Simple concept really, but one that seems to have been lost somewhere along the way. An actual pharmacy these days can be the worst place to get some pharmacy practice in. I relished my little triumph, all the more so because the Drugmonkey doesn't mind playing on team love.

By the way, there's really no reason anymore not to let you know my real name's David. Not after today.

The next morning I braced myself for a day of business, not practice. Labels that were not to be printed more than five at a time. That's the priority in a pharmacy. And those labels better not take more than 15 minutes to get to the filled bin, people with drug problems or questions be dammed. Flu shot quotas and no such pressure that you perform legally mandated prescription counselling. No money in counselling you see, just fewer prescription mistakes and misunderstandings. I took a deep breath and resigned myself that there would be little professional practicing going on within these walls this day. The modern chain pharmacy long ago stopped being about professional practice.

What happened was that I was met shortly after arrival by two corporate suits. Those of you who've read my little blog garden over the last few years won't be totally surprised what happened.

What amazes me is that it wasn't this post that got me fired. Broadcast to the world that Rite Aid ordered a pharmacist to feed an old woman's drug addiction and they're OK with that evidently. Write something mean about the fact they're recruiting scabs to help break a Southern California strike though, and you are history.

It's probably not normal to feel pity for the people that are firing you, but I gotta tell you, that's the first thing that went through my mind. I looked at the short little fat man in the suit and saw a life wasted. I saw a mother that would be packed away into a nursing home. I saw someone past the halfway point in his life and wondered if there was anything he's done that he's proud of. I wondered if he's ever done anything that made him feel good inside.

I'm proud of my writing, and I feel good when I practice pharmacy and score for team knowledge while helping people. He introduced himself as the corporate head of loss prevention by the way. I think I should be flattered by that.

After the pity for the suit though, came emotions more normal. Relief, yes. But also a "holy shit" moment. Thoughts of lost fat paychecks....and...while staring out the window...

....the creeping in of the storm. My brothers in Wellbutrin know exactly what I mean. The storm is no fun and I shouldn't admit that because it will give the short suit man something to be proud of.

Later the phone rang.

"David, it's Mom. What a day I've had dealing with these moron doctors." The moron doctors, you see, never did correct their fuckup. Green label Preparation H and some Desitin cream were the only things that had done anything to help. "I wonder if you could come over, we'd love to see you."

Mom's voice was IV Prozac my friends. No storm for me this night. I bought some groceries for dinner and got a hug from my dear friend and felt appreciated in a way I never did when all I was doing was making money for the man. I cried happy tears because team love values me.

I don't know everything the future holds for me, but I do know this. From now on I will practice pharmacy. Perhaps I will even be paid for it. For the rest of my life though, I will be a pharmacist.

You should too. Because hugs from team love are fucking awesome.

Before We Get To Tonight's Main Event, Someone Insults The Honor Of CVS, And I Correct Them.

This all started with a piece in the Los Angeles Times that said people seem to have a way of ending up on CVS' automatic filling program (which they call ReadyFill) who never asked to be put there.

CVS' (spokesman Mike) DeAngelis denied that any production quotas exist for ReadyFill.

Seems pretty cut and dried. No quotas. Case closed.

I recently sent the following email to my district manager regarding our ReadyFill quota (playing dumb): 

To which he replied:
"Our target on ReadyFill is set at 40% of all ReadyFill eligible prescriptions." 

So CVS DOES have a ReadyFill quota despite Michael DeAngelis (LA Times article) saying there is no quota.

That was from my mailbag this night. And this letter writer could not have been more wrong. As you can see, CVS has a target, not a quota. Get your facts straight because the difference is very important.

It's like the difference between a program called ReadyFill and one called AutoFill. Get it now? I'm glad I could clear that up. Because being signed up for a program against your will to meet a target is way different than being automatically signed up for a program against your will to meet a quota. I'm sure patients understand that.

Because if there wasn't a huge difference between being pressured to meet a target and being pressured to meet a quota, that would mean CVS lied to the LA Times, or at least was disingenuous. And no corporation is more trustworthy than CVS.

A Scab Speaks.

Feeling the love in the mailbag I am. Got this one in response to my post about scabs possibly being called in if Southern California Rite Aid workers go out on strike:

Being one of the people called, one who doesn't have 40 guaranteed hours out here and is really hard-pressed for money due to just moving into a new place and my car dying on Friday, I'm anxiously awaiting the call to go because I can't afford not to at this point. So, sorry, I'll be happily crossing that line. We don't have a union out here either, so I'm more just a temporary fill-in. I'm not in love with the company or a slave to their will, but I gots bills to pay and this will let me do that. So fuck you for your tunnelvision view of the situation from the other side; this strike could save me from having to starve and being evicted in 3 weeks. The alternative isn't pretty.

Dear Tool,

Do you know why your job's so crappy? How it is that you can be employed yet still on the edge of eviction? Why your life is so miserable? It's because for the last 30 years there has been a war fought against working people and this is the result. They have bulldozed the type of person who just wants to get up, put in an honest days work and have some food on the table and a roof over their heads. Because wanting food security and desiring shelter is an affront to them. Anything that costs them a penny is an insult to their honor.

So your job has to suck as much as possible. You have to be fucked as hard as they can fuck you while still keeping you productive.

Do you walk to work or take the bus these days?

You're powerless to stop them alone. Stand up and you will be thrown aside. So you take it. You take less than 40 hours and hope you don't get sick. You hope they don't mess up your payroll so your rent check doesn't bounce. You stand and take that barbed wire penis up your ass and ask for more.

And now, you are so under their thumb, so under control, so much a complete and total success in their strategy, that you have joined their army in return for one decent week's pay. That's all it takes to get you to help crush others who want to know they can get sick and not go bankrupt. Who have the audacity to want  food in the fridge and a roof over their head. People who are fighting not to have a working life as awful as yours. They so control you tool, have so fucked with your mind, that instead of aspiring to raise yourself to a level where you might be able to work full weeks and keep your car running with your job, you can only help in tearing down others. They have trained you not to look up, but only to kick down.

You are a scab. Which my friend, is another word for a temporary fill in.

So by all means, enjoy the one week of decent pay you'll ever receive. Hell, maybe if these Californians prove tougher than expected you can get two out of the deal. Live it up and look at yourself in the mirror with pride, knowing that you had a part in dragging others down to the level of misery you have known. Be happy that you were able to do your part to ensure the downward slide of the American worker continues. Because as soon as you come home, you're right back where you started. The result of someone in your parents generation being just as spineless as you.

And you can also be happy that you did it cheap. They were able to use you for what amounts to next to nothing for them. Just like a piece of toilet paper. Used and never able to get the stink of shit off you. I'm sure you'll get used to it.

Fuck me indeed...but my price is much higher.

Sounds Like Rite Aid Is Fully Expecting The Southern California Strike To Go Down.

From the mailbag this day:

As an anonymous Rite Aid intern from the midwest, I can tell you that my PDM called all the interns in our district on Friday to ask us to scab for a week. Flight, car, food, hotel included. I asked if I would have to cross a picket line, and she said yes and that it would be "exciting" and "the best way to serve patients," because I would be helping them get their medication or something. She asked which week of the next four I could go, and if I chose to go I would hear from someone a few days beforehand with details about where I'd be going. She hinted that I would probably get more than 40 hours, but didn't say anything about overtime.

A couple of thoughts:

1) If anyone comes to California and works 40 hours, yes, they will get overtime. Thanks to the battles unions fought on your behalf long ago, it is the state law. Of course, you'll be depending on the integrity of a company in the process of fucking their employees out of health insurance and sick days to follow the law when employing temporary, out of state workers, who will have no one to complain to if they get the shaft. Good luck with that. Also...

2) If you come out here, you run the risk of me driving down there and kicking your ass so hard your rectum ends up in front of your incisors. I have heard rumors of union goons since my arrival in California, and I can only hope they are true, and that they'll give any scabs all the excitement they are looking for. 

3) If I were the UFCW, I would schedule the strike for September 15th. The first day Walgreens will be taking back Express Scripts customers.

4) Fuck anyone who even thinks about coming out here to scab. Fuck them hard and without lube.

Rite Aid's Statement Regarding Southern California Strike Authorization. (Enhanced)

I can honestly say their whole statement is here. Every word they sent. I may have added a few for clarity:

---------

The specifics of our proposal are matters we will be discussing at the bargaining table with the Union as we continue to work hard to reach a fair agreement for all involved.

We’re disappointed that the Union has called for a strike authorization vote and think such a vote is premature, especially since the Union hasn’t even given us a counter proposal to our first proposal.

With respect to healthcare, we’re simply asking associates to pay their fair share towards the cost of their healthcare, just as millions of people do across the country. We’re not unusual. According to one of the leading benefit consultants Towers Watson, 100% of retailers surveyed ask their employees to share the cost of healthcare insurance. The union only wants its members to pay a minimal amount for their healthcare coverage, but few if any companies in America can afford to provide that today. And as a company, we have decided it's important not to offer incentives that would allow us to attract any of the highest caliber employees in the talent pool. By being as miserly as our competition, we will ensure that the chances the people we put forth to be the face of our company are miserable, stressed out and lacking in incentive to excel are maximized

We basically took a look at K-Mart's people and said, "Yeah, that's what we want"

Of course this kind of philosophy cannot be extended throughout the company. It is critical that the people who make the strategic decisions and plot the direction of an entire organization be well compensated for their efforts. So it should be obvious why we chose to spend some of our limited resources to give our CEO and Chairman, John Standley a 292% pay raise in 2011, to a package worth $11,000,000. Without the proper incentives for performance,  a corporation simply cannot attract the kind of person able to achieve results in today's cutthroat business environment. And we'd like to think the numbers John's put up speak for themselves:

-Extending our string of profitless years to six, and counting.

-Sixteen million dollars of cash flow in fiscal 2011. We think you'll agree that spending an amount of money on the salaries of two people, our CEO and Chief Financial Officer, that is greater than a year's cash flow is a truly innovative, outside the box business strategy.

-A super secret plan to pay off the company's $6.2 billion debt. We can't divulge many of the plan's details, but it involves giving large bonuses and raises to top executives while telling rank and file employees who want sick pay to go fuck themselves.

Quite simply, if we didn't spend what it takes to keep our executive team, we as a company might suffer mediocre to poor financial performance. We can't take that risk.

Rite Aid has and will continue to work with UFCW locals representing their associates to reach a new agreement, one that is fair to all parties involved. In fact, we have bargaining sessions set for the next three weeks and look forward to getting back to the table.

UFCW's Statement Regarding Southern California Rite Aid Strike Authorization

Los Angeles (Tuesday, July 31, 2012) — Rite Aid workers all over Southern California voted overwhelmingly in the last few days to reject the company’s proposals for devastating concessions in their next labor contract.

The vote grants leaders of seven local unions of the United Food and Commercial Workers the authority to call a strike, if it becomes necessary.

Union members of UFCW Locals 8, 135, 324, 770, 1167, 1428 and 1442 voted July 26-30 at dozens of locations between Kern County and the Mexican border.

Rite Aid is seeking 34 concessions from the workers. The proposals include, among other takeaways:

• effective elimination of health care for workers' spouses and children

• out-of-pocket costs for health care benefits of up to $10,000 a year

• virtual elimination of all accumulated sick leave pay

• reduction of the number of hours workers are allowed to work

• elimination of the 40-hour workweek and 24-hour guarantee for part-time employees

UFCW leaders praised the workers for affirming their unshakeable solidarity with their union.

“The members’ emphatic rejection of Rite Aid’s demands and their vote for strike authorization will push management toward negotiating an agreement the workers can ratify,” they said.