Meanwhile, my employer gets a $1.50 dispensing fee from your warfarin prescription:
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Saturday, February 05, 2011
A Modest Proposal For The Cleveland Cavaliers Basketball Team.
Dear Sir/Madam/Whoever is in charge of your train wreck,
I don't have to tell you times are tough. The housing bubble and its resulting ills have hit this country hard, and Cleveland harder. Unemployment and its resulting ills have settled upon your city like a two foot blanket of snow. You face despair, homelessness, crime, drugs and violence each and every day, and things aren't good off of the basketball court either. I write you this day not to wallow in your misery however, but to ignite the flame of hope. When you have hit bottom there is only one way to go, and today I offer you a solution that I am confident will contribute to the long term improvement of your bottom line.
I propose that you immediately terminate the employment of every player on your active roster and replace them with a team consisting entirely of myself. I will perform the duties of every position; forward, center, and guard, and will play the entirety of every game. Furthermore, I will do so for a salary of $2 million a year, a savings of approximately $49 million from your current payroll. This may appear at first to be quite a radical move on your part, but my projections show that had this plan been put in place at the beginning of the current basketball season, the net result would only be eight fewer wins for your team at this point. Sacrificing quality in order to achieve cost savings has long been a tradition in the business world, and I feel the time is right for the Cleveland Cavaliers to join the predominating corporate paradigm. When you do, you are most certain to find out what many successful companies have found out before you, that the elimination of quality is good for profits. In your case, the spectacle of a 6 foot tall white guy taking on the entire roster of the Los Angeles Lakers would surely be far more entertaining than the product you are currently marketing. Ticket sales are likely to see a significant increase.
I also would be returning to my native Ohio to continue my basketball journey. Making it possible to market me as the anti-LeBron James.
I would be available immediately after giving the customary two week notice to my current employer, and have been working out regularly for the last three years, although I don't see what possible difference that would make. I do see a future for us as bright as the Cuyahoga River aflame on a clear winter's night.
I look forward to the chance to improve both of our finances.
Sincerely,
Drugmonkey.
I don't have to tell you times are tough. The housing bubble and its resulting ills have hit this country hard, and Cleveland harder. Unemployment and its resulting ills have settled upon your city like a two foot blanket of snow. You face despair, homelessness, crime, drugs and violence each and every day, and things aren't good off of the basketball court either. I write you this day not to wallow in your misery however, but to ignite the flame of hope. When you have hit bottom there is only one way to go, and today I offer you a solution that I am confident will contribute to the long term improvement of your bottom line.
I propose that you immediately terminate the employment of every player on your active roster and replace them with a team consisting entirely of myself. I will perform the duties of every position; forward, center, and guard, and will play the entirety of every game. Furthermore, I will do so for a salary of $2 million a year, a savings of approximately $49 million from your current payroll. This may appear at first to be quite a radical move on your part, but my projections show that had this plan been put in place at the beginning of the current basketball season, the net result would only be eight fewer wins for your team at this point. Sacrificing quality in order to achieve cost savings has long been a tradition in the business world, and I feel the time is right for the Cleveland Cavaliers to join the predominating corporate paradigm. When you do, you are most certain to find out what many successful companies have found out before you, that the elimination of quality is good for profits. In your case, the spectacle of a 6 foot tall white guy taking on the entire roster of the Los Angeles Lakers would surely be far more entertaining than the product you are currently marketing. Ticket sales are likely to see a significant increase.
I also would be returning to my native Ohio to continue my basketball journey. Making it possible to market me as the anti-LeBron James.
I would be available immediately after giving the customary two week notice to my current employer, and have been working out regularly for the last three years, although I don't see what possible difference that would make. I do see a future for us as bright as the Cuyahoga River aflame on a clear winter's night.
I look forward to the chance to improve both of our finances.
Sincerely,
Drugmonkey.
Friday, February 04, 2011
A Quickie From The Morning Paper
They have a thing about making certain stories available only in the print edition, and not online, but I swear I'm not making this up:
BWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHAHAAAAHHAHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Dick Rotter!!!!!! BWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Well of course Dick Rotter is well known. Who can ever forget his work in the basic training Gonorrhea film used by the US Army for over 40 years? Classic stuff, that appearance by Dick Rotter was. And who knew you could make a living making porn for people with a leprosy fetish? "I Left My Schlong In San Francisco" was groundbreaking in its day. I've often wondered what Dick Rotter could be up to these days.
I'm kidding. I don't know who the fuck Dick Rotter is. But I have a feeling the paper wouldn't be as likely to be calling him well known if he went by Richard.
WaterPlus includes a collection of prominent locals. In addition to Weitzman, the new group includes such well known figures as Nader Agha, Harvey Billing, Bob Massaro, Dick Rotter, and George Schroeder, among others.
BWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHAHAAAAHHAHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Dick Rotter!!!!!! BWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Well of course Dick Rotter is well known. Who can ever forget his work in the basic training Gonorrhea film used by the US Army for over 40 years? Classic stuff, that appearance by Dick Rotter was. And who knew you could make a living making porn for people with a leprosy fetish? "I Left My Schlong In San Francisco" was groundbreaking in its day. I've often wondered what Dick Rotter could be up to these days.
I'm kidding. I don't know who the fuck Dick Rotter is. But I have a feeling the paper wouldn't be as likely to be calling him well known if he went by Richard.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
I Owe The Pharmacists For Life International A Big Apology.
I'm sorry Pharmacists For Life International. I thought you just hated women. When you cranked up your public relations machine a few years ago to draw attention to the cause of "pharmacist conscience," putting Karen Brauer in front of the nation's TV cameras and Lloyd Duplantis behind the microphone of National Public Radio, I thought your objective was to put a stop to or at least a dent in the number of abortions that take place in this country. I was mistaken, and again I apologize.
Fortunately the legislature of the state of Idaho didn't listen to the likes of me when they passed a health care worker conscience law of the type you fought so hard for. It didn't take long for a pharmacist to take advantage of that law, less than a year actually.
This is awesome. I can see now that this is one step closer to what is now our common goal. I'm so sorry I was so wrong, that I couldn't see that you were simply using the dim-witted twits in the anti-abortion movement as pawns in your brilliant chess match. That prescription for Methergine, you see, doesn't do a damn thing to stop an abortion whether its filled or not. Hell, probably at least half the time you see one it doesn't have anything to do with an abortion at all, stopping bleeding the way it does after a natural miscarriage or regular childbirth with complications. And when it is abortion related? By the time you see the prescription it's too late if you're interested in stopping one, because the abortion has already happened. So what the pharmacist was doing by refusing to fill that Methergine prescription then, was assuming the power of cop, judge, jury and executioner against someone who they thought might have done something they didn't like. Literally, executioner. That Walgreen's pharmacy customer could have bled to death.
Sweet. Because a lot of my customers do things that I don't like, and I cannot wait to use my new God-like powers just as soon as the Idaho Board of Pharmacy rules against Planned Parenthood in its complaint against that Walgreen's pharmacist. I'm hoping Pharmacists For Life International can now maybe team up with The National Rifle Association so we can just start shooting people dead at the pharmacy counter. I'll go after the Type-2 diabetics first, then probably the fibromyalgics. I'll probably off a smoker or two as well just for shits and giggles.
And I'll have The Pharmacists For Life International to thank. For making pharmacy the single most powerful profession on the planet. I can't believe I was so foolish not to have seen their plan.
Definitely beats the shit out of anything APhA's ever done for us.
Thanks to the alert reader who tipped me to the story.
Fortunately the legislature of the state of Idaho didn't listen to the likes of me when they passed a health care worker conscience law of the type you fought so hard for. It didn't take long for a pharmacist to take advantage of that law, less than a year actually.
On Nov. 6 a Walgreens pharmacist refused to fill a prescription ordered by one of Planned Parenthood's Boise-based nurse practitioners. The prescription was for a Planned Parenthood patient for Methergine, a medicine used to prevent or control bleeding of the uterus following childbirth or an abortion.
This is awesome. I can see now that this is one step closer to what is now our common goal. I'm so sorry I was so wrong, that I couldn't see that you were simply using the dim-witted twits in the anti-abortion movement as pawns in your brilliant chess match. That prescription for Methergine, you see, doesn't do a damn thing to stop an abortion whether its filled or not. Hell, probably at least half the time you see one it doesn't have anything to do with an abortion at all, stopping bleeding the way it does after a natural miscarriage or regular childbirth with complications. And when it is abortion related? By the time you see the prescription it's too late if you're interested in stopping one, because the abortion has already happened. So what the pharmacist was doing by refusing to fill that Methergine prescription then, was assuming the power of cop, judge, jury and executioner against someone who they thought might have done something they didn't like. Literally, executioner. That Walgreen's pharmacy customer could have bled to death.
Sweet. Because a lot of my customers do things that I don't like, and I cannot wait to use my new God-like powers just as soon as the Idaho Board of Pharmacy rules against Planned Parenthood in its complaint against that Walgreen's pharmacist. I'm hoping Pharmacists For Life International can now maybe team up with The National Rifle Association so we can just start shooting people dead at the pharmacy counter. I'll go after the Type-2 diabetics first, then probably the fibromyalgics. I'll probably off a smoker or two as well just for shits and giggles.
And I'll have The Pharmacists For Life International to thank. For making pharmacy the single most powerful profession on the planet. I can't believe I was so foolish not to have seen their plan.
Definitely beats the shit out of anything APhA's ever done for us.
Thanks to the alert reader who tipped me to the story.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
I Must Have Missed The Outcry About The Rape Panels.
I mean, I totally remember the blue in the face teabaggers getting their boxers in a bunch over death panels. Sara Palin and her ilk telling us that Big Government was gonna be deciding whether to pull the plug on Grandma, deciding whether she would live or die. Scary stuff.
Also total fiction.
Which is good news for rapists. Because if we keep Grandma in a coma and unable to fight back, someday she might just be fair game for an unlimited gangbang thanks to the Republicans those teabaggers put in power. From the website of Mother Jones magazine:
Victory at last for lobbyists working for the manufacturers of Jim Beam and Rohypnol no doubt.
That was a snarky comment, but there is one line in the article that will bring joy to the hearts of rapists everywhere:
Should this bill ever pass however, that definition will come. And when it does, most of you know how it'll go from there.. "Forcible rape" will become synonymous with "real rape," the distinction meaning if you didn't fight with all your might against a 300 pound lunatic high on PCP, then your violation isn't to be taken quite so seriously.
And if you were drugged to the point of not being able to fight back, well that's just too bad slut, you shouldn't have been wearing that miniskirt anyway.
And who better really, to come up with that definition than a panel of government appointed bureaucrats working to implement the will of politicians?
A rape panel. It's far closer to reality than the death panels ever were, and the ensuing silence says volumes about the value we place on women.
You've come a long way baby.
Thanks to the alert reader who tipped me to this.
Also total fiction.
Which is good news for rapists. Because if we keep Grandma in a coma and unable to fight back, someday she might just be fair game for an unlimited gangbang thanks to the Republicans those teabaggers put in power. From the website of Mother Jones magazine:
Rape is only really rape if it involves force. So says the new House Republican majority as it now moves to change abortion law.
For years, federal laws restricting the use of government funds to pay for abortions have included exemptions for pregnancies resulting from rape or incest. But the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act," a bill with 173 mostly Republican co-sponsors that House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) has dubbed a top priority in the new Congress, contains a provision that would rewrite the rules to limit drastically the definition of rape and incest in these cases.
With this legislation, which was introduced last week by Rep. Chris Smith (R-N.J.), Republicans propose that the rape exemption be limited to "forcible rape." This would rule out federal assistance for abortions in many rape cases, including instances of statutory rape, many of which are non-forcible.
Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes."
Victory at last for lobbyists working for the manufacturers of Jim Beam and Rohypnol no doubt.
That was a snarky comment, but there is one line in the article that will bring joy to the hearts of rapists everywhere:
The bill hasn't been carefully constructed, Levenson notes. The term "forcible rape" is not defined in the federal criminal code, and the bill's authors don't offer their own definition.
Should this bill ever pass however, that definition will come. And when it does, most of you know how it'll go from there.. "Forcible rape" will become synonymous with "real rape," the distinction meaning if you didn't fight with all your might against a 300 pound lunatic high on PCP, then your violation isn't to be taken quite so seriously.
And if you were drugged to the point of not being able to fight back, well that's just too bad slut, you shouldn't have been wearing that miniskirt anyway.
And who better really, to come up with that definition than a panel of government appointed bureaucrats working to implement the will of politicians?
A rape panel. It's far closer to reality than the death panels ever were, and the ensuing silence says volumes about the value we place on women.
You've come a long way baby.
Thanks to the alert reader who tipped me to this.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
An Exciting Announcement. We May Witness The End Of Heart Disease In Our Time.
Because if Rite Aid has shown us anything over the last few years, it's that once they set their mind to accomplishing a task, nothing, absolutely nothing he said, will stop them. Like the way they've made their stock the most affordable of any of the major drug chains. "We decided in the late 90's that to expect the hard working families of America to pay over $45 for a share of stock, which is in reality nothing but a piece of paper, was just unfair." A company spokesman never said. "So we undertook a long term program to bring value to those who aspire to own a piece of our vision, and I'm proud to say that as of today, we have cut the price of that ownership by over 95 percent. I think all of us can take more than a little pride in a mission accomplished."
Now the company has taken that laser-like intensity and turned it on the nation's leading cause of death. Part of this press release is cut-and-pasted from the public relations newswire. Part of it is real only in the world that is my imagination. I'll trust you to know which is which.
Rite Aid Takes Aim at Heart Disease in Honor of American Heart Month
CAMP HILL, Pa.--(BUSINESS WIRE)-- Rite Aid, the nation’s third largest drugstore chain, is launching a national education and prevention campaign against heart disease in observation of American Heart Month in February. Stores nationwide are now selling $1 red paper dresses to benefit the American Heart Association’s Go Red For Women movement, reminding customers that they can get free advice and blood pressure readings, and distributing free "Roadmap to Healthy Heart" guides.
The paper dresses will be available at all of the stores cash registers, at least 70% of which are located right in front of large displays of cigarettes and various other forms of tobacco.
The educational components of Rite Aid's heart health program include:
A 12-page guide available in stores and online at www.riteaid.com that offers a "Roadmap to a Healthy Heart," including seven simple steps that can reduce heart disease and stroke. It also breaks down the numbers behind heart disease risk factors such as the so-called "good" or "bad" cholesterols and the "ugly" danger of triglycerides. Guides also discuss diet's role in heart health – including the average American's elevated salt intake.
The guides will most likely be placed close to the stores weekly advertising circular, which currently features cookies by Archway and Mrs. Fields, Planters whole cashews or mixed nuts, Storck bagged candy (excludes Sugar Free), and Rite Aid brand pretzels, cheese puffs or popcorn at the special price of a dollar a bag after $1.50 +up reward.
Assuming you can figure out what the hell a +up reward is.
"We think the time is right to make this important statement about how seriously we take the devastating impact heart attacks, stokes, and other forms of cardiovascular disease have on the lives of every American." Rite Aid President and CEO John Standley never said. "While the number one goal of any corporation is to turn a profit, it feels good to know that we can also dedicate ourselves to looking out for the health and well being of our customers."
"We'd like to think we do both equally as well."
Now the company has taken that laser-like intensity and turned it on the nation's leading cause of death. Part of this press release is cut-and-pasted from the public relations newswire. Part of it is real only in the world that is my imagination. I'll trust you to know which is which.
Rite Aid Takes Aim at Heart Disease in Honor of American Heart Month
CAMP HILL, Pa.--(BUSINESS WIRE)-- Rite Aid, the nation’s third largest drugstore chain, is launching a national education and prevention campaign against heart disease in observation of American Heart Month in February. Stores nationwide are now selling $1 red paper dresses to benefit the American Heart Association’s Go Red For Women movement, reminding customers that they can get free advice and blood pressure readings, and distributing free "Roadmap to Healthy Heart" guides.
The paper dresses will be available at all of the stores cash registers, at least 70% of which are located right in front of large displays of cigarettes and various other forms of tobacco.
The educational components of Rite Aid's heart health program include:
A 12-page guide available in stores and online at www.riteaid.com that offers a "Roadmap to a Healthy Heart," including seven simple steps that can reduce heart disease and stroke. It also breaks down the numbers behind heart disease risk factors such as the so-called "good" or "bad" cholesterols and the "ugly" danger of triglycerides. Guides also discuss diet's role in heart health – including the average American's elevated salt intake.
The guides will most likely be placed close to the stores weekly advertising circular, which currently features cookies by Archway and Mrs. Fields, Planters whole cashews or mixed nuts, Storck bagged candy (excludes Sugar Free), and Rite Aid brand pretzels, cheese puffs or popcorn at the special price of a dollar a bag after $1.50 +up reward.
Assuming you can figure out what the hell a +up reward is.
"We think the time is right to make this important statement about how seriously we take the devastating impact heart attacks, stokes, and other forms of cardiovascular disease have on the lives of every American." Rite Aid President and CEO John Standley never said. "While the number one goal of any corporation is to turn a profit, it feels good to know that we can also dedicate ourselves to looking out for the health and well being of our customers."
"We'd like to think we do both equally as well."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I Resort To Theft For Content. As I Am Both Too Lazy And Too Drunk At The Moment To Do Original Work. I Think I Stole Well, However.
A day in the life of a Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
Author unknown
WEEK ONE – I can’t believe that right out of college a Fortune 500 company has hired me! My major in Biology and Minor in Elizabethan Poetry sure must have helped. I think the fact that I was the head cheerleader in college proved my abundance of team spirit. To be making $50,000 a year at age 23 isn’t too shabby. And I get a new car too!
WEEK TWO - My bosses seem real nice. I haven’t met anyone else out in the field yet. Got a lot of information to study before training starts. There is a lot to know about hypertension, I tell you that. It is so interesting to learn how each mechanism of our drug works. I wonder why they even need sales reps when it is obvious that our ACE inhibitor is the best. The information they have given me to look at shoes how it is so superior to the competitors. This job is going to be a piece of cake! I bet the doctors are going to love seeing me come their way.
WEEK FOUR – Boy, those tests were hard but I passed all of them. Going to Florida for a big company meeting. This is awesome. A free trip to Orlando. Theme parks. Meeting other reps from around the country. There are a lot of other drug reps that were cheerleaders. That’s weird.
WEEK FIVE – The meetings were inspiring! There were thousands of us chanting our company name! The lectures on our products just proved I picked the best team to join. There is no question we possess the most effective and unique products available. I can see myself working for this company forever. Nothing is going to stop me from climbing their ladder into a higher administrative level.
WEEK SEVEN – Another field rep had me shadow him for a day. He seemed a little down when I met him, however he seemed to perk up once he saw me. I am sure it is a pick-me-up for him to mentor someone new. He kept asking me why I would pick this job. Then he asked if I could handle personal rejection. Of course I can handle personal rejection. I remember when I didn’t get picked for junior prom queen, I cried for weeks but I eventually got over it and became stronger in the long run. Most of our day was spent on the road talking or trying to get in to different medical offices. We only got to meet two doctors. Boy, were they in a rush. I don’t think the field rep did a very good job. Our product is so good, he needs to get right in those doctors faces! I can’t wait until it is my turn.
WEEK EIGHT – First day by myself. Met Dr. Smith. He must be stressed because he cut me off in the middle of my sentence and walked away. He must have forgotten I was there because he never came back. Dr. Johnson was just the opposite. It was great. It seemed he wouldn’t stop talking tome. In fact, he wanted to meet me for dinner to just talk about my drug. What was really funny is that he forgot what drug I was selling, but promised he would write it no matter what it was. I am one hell of a salesperson!
MONTH THREE – I am not sure why some doctors won’t even meet with me. Tjey want some samples but that is all. Had lunch with a group of internists. They didn’t even show up and I spent $200 on lunch for their staff. They weren’t even that thankful either. That was kind of rude.
MONTH FOUR – Still having trouble getting in to see some doctors. Dr. Ryan told me off and was extremely irritable. He said I was too forceful. I sat in my car and cried for a half an hour. I know I can do better at this. I think our drug is pretty good. I just need to be more assertive
MONTH FIVE – Rode with my boss who watched my every move. I was really nervous. Still couldn’t get into some offices. What was worse was that my boss kept interrupting me like he was making the sale himself. Listen, buddy, if you want my job you can have it. When he left I cried for fifteen minutes.
MONTH SIX – Had another dinner program for doctors. Only a few showed up. The speaker wanted his money right then and there like I was the one who was paying him out of my own account. Then the mother f$%^r started talking positively about our competitors! Whore.
MONTH SEVEN – The marketing people wanted us to have a “birthday party” for our ACE inhibitor. It has been on the market for three years now and they recommend we use the birthday hats and napkins that they gave us. It has our logo and drug name on it. They said the doctors would love it. Who the f$%^& do they think they’re kidding? As if I am going to get the few doctors that even give me the time of day to light candles and wear hats because our lousy “me too” drug is three years old and selling like sh*%? Do these marketing people even know what’s going on out in the real world?
MONTH EIGHT – Dr. Smith, who was so rude to me. Wants to know if I have any baseball tickets to the upcoming series. I wonder if the phrase “kiss my ass” means anything to him. Saw Dr. Johnson recently. After the “episode” which occurred at our last dinner, I have purposely stayed away from him. The restraining order still remains. He needs to get a life.
MONTH NINE – Went back to our bulls&%# meeting in Florida again. Who are they fooling with this AMWAY crap? This is all cult worship anyway. In fact, I’d rather drink Kool-Aid laced with cyanide than sell this piece of s&%$ drug. We met in small groups and they tried to teach us new points that would persuade any doctor to use our drug. Talk about a circle jerk. Got drunk most nights I was down there.
MONTH TEN – The company is getting on my case more and more. They want to know what I am doing every minute of every day. They want signatures. They want programs. They want my first born.. My boss is a prick and if he interrupts me one more time I’m going to kick him in his balls.
MONTH ELEVEN – Slept with Dr. Johnson. Fu&$ it, I needed the numbers. I am also giving away stocking stuffers of goodies to any doctor that will write my loser medication. Whatever it takes to make bonus. Dr. Flock again tells me he is writing my drug. What a f%&$ing liar. We buy the prescription numbers right from the pharmacy so I know what his numbers actually are and this guy bulls%ts me right to my face. I think he wants to sleep with me.
MONTH TWELVE – Slept with my boss. I needed to keep him off my case. One more dinner program and I will put the cyanide in the doctors’ drinks myself. Every time I get new marketing material, I throw it right out in the trash. Our company sucks. I know I hit all the numbers but they changed the threshold at the last minute and screwed me out of my bonus.
MONTH THIRTEEN – This job sucks. If I see another pompous physician I will kick him right in the balls like I did my boss. I will die before I ever feed a bunch of overweight and ungrateful staff members again. Told my boss to go screw himself of screw Dr. Johnson and leave me the f&*$ alone. Threw my keys to the generic minivan at him and walked away with my pride. Never again will I work for a pharmaceutical company.
MONTH FIFTEEN – Took a job at our rival. They got some new stuff in the pipeline. The money is even better than my old company. Called Dr. Johnson and will meet him Tuesday night for dinner.
Author unknown
WEEK ONE – I can’t believe that right out of college a Fortune 500 company has hired me! My major in Biology and Minor in Elizabethan Poetry sure must have helped. I think the fact that I was the head cheerleader in college proved my abundance of team spirit. To be making $50,000 a year at age 23 isn’t too shabby. And I get a new car too!
WEEK TWO - My bosses seem real nice. I haven’t met anyone else out in the field yet. Got a lot of information to study before training starts. There is a lot to know about hypertension, I tell you that. It is so interesting to learn how each mechanism of our drug works. I wonder why they even need sales reps when it is obvious that our ACE inhibitor is the best. The information they have given me to look at shoes how it is so superior to the competitors. This job is going to be a piece of cake! I bet the doctors are going to love seeing me come their way.
WEEK FOUR – Boy, those tests were hard but I passed all of them. Going to Florida for a big company meeting. This is awesome. A free trip to Orlando. Theme parks. Meeting other reps from around the country. There are a lot of other drug reps that were cheerleaders. That’s weird.
WEEK FIVE – The meetings were inspiring! There were thousands of us chanting our company name! The lectures on our products just proved I picked the best team to join. There is no question we possess the most effective and unique products available. I can see myself working for this company forever. Nothing is going to stop me from climbing their ladder into a higher administrative level.
WEEK SEVEN – Another field rep had me shadow him for a day. He seemed a little down when I met him, however he seemed to perk up once he saw me. I am sure it is a pick-me-up for him to mentor someone new. He kept asking me why I would pick this job. Then he asked if I could handle personal rejection. Of course I can handle personal rejection. I remember when I didn’t get picked for junior prom queen, I cried for weeks but I eventually got over it and became stronger in the long run. Most of our day was spent on the road talking or trying to get in to different medical offices. We only got to meet two doctors. Boy, were they in a rush. I don’t think the field rep did a very good job. Our product is so good, he needs to get right in those doctors faces! I can’t wait until it is my turn.
WEEK EIGHT – First day by myself. Met Dr. Smith. He must be stressed because he cut me off in the middle of my sentence and walked away. He must have forgotten I was there because he never came back. Dr. Johnson was just the opposite. It was great. It seemed he wouldn’t stop talking tome. In fact, he wanted to meet me for dinner to just talk about my drug. What was really funny is that he forgot what drug I was selling, but promised he would write it no matter what it was. I am one hell of a salesperson!
MONTH THREE – I am not sure why some doctors won’t even meet with me. Tjey want some samples but that is all. Had lunch with a group of internists. They didn’t even show up and I spent $200 on lunch for their staff. They weren’t even that thankful either. That was kind of rude.
MONTH FOUR – Still having trouble getting in to see some doctors. Dr. Ryan told me off and was extremely irritable. He said I was too forceful. I sat in my car and cried for a half an hour. I know I can do better at this. I think our drug is pretty good. I just need to be more assertive
MONTH FIVE – Rode with my boss who watched my every move. I was really nervous. Still couldn’t get into some offices. What was worse was that my boss kept interrupting me like he was making the sale himself. Listen, buddy, if you want my job you can have it. When he left I cried for fifteen minutes.
MONTH SIX – Had another dinner program for doctors. Only a few showed up. The speaker wanted his money right then and there like I was the one who was paying him out of my own account. Then the mother f$%^r started talking positively about our competitors! Whore.
MONTH SEVEN – The marketing people wanted us to have a “birthday party” for our ACE inhibitor. It has been on the market for three years now and they recommend we use the birthday hats and napkins that they gave us. It has our logo and drug name on it. They said the doctors would love it. Who the f$%^& do they think they’re kidding? As if I am going to get the few doctors that even give me the time of day to light candles and wear hats because our lousy “me too” drug is three years old and selling like sh*%? Do these marketing people even know what’s going on out in the real world?
MONTH EIGHT – Dr. Smith, who was so rude to me. Wants to know if I have any baseball tickets to the upcoming series. I wonder if the phrase “kiss my ass” means anything to him. Saw Dr. Johnson recently. After the “episode” which occurred at our last dinner, I have purposely stayed away from him. The restraining order still remains. He needs to get a life.
MONTH NINE – Went back to our bulls&%# meeting in Florida again. Who are they fooling with this AMWAY crap? This is all cult worship anyway. In fact, I’d rather drink Kool-Aid laced with cyanide than sell this piece of s&%$ drug. We met in small groups and they tried to teach us new points that would persuade any doctor to use our drug. Talk about a circle jerk. Got drunk most nights I was down there.
MONTH TEN – The company is getting on my case more and more. They want to know what I am doing every minute of every day. They want signatures. They want programs. They want my first born.. My boss is a prick and if he interrupts me one more time I’m going to kick him in his balls.
MONTH ELEVEN – Slept with Dr. Johnson. Fu&$ it, I needed the numbers. I am also giving away stocking stuffers of goodies to any doctor that will write my loser medication. Whatever it takes to make bonus. Dr. Flock again tells me he is writing my drug. What a f%&$ing liar. We buy the prescription numbers right from the pharmacy so I know what his numbers actually are and this guy bulls%ts me right to my face. I think he wants to sleep with me.
MONTH TWELVE – Slept with my boss. I needed to keep him off my case. One more dinner program and I will put the cyanide in the doctors’ drinks myself. Every time I get new marketing material, I throw it right out in the trash. Our company sucks. I know I hit all the numbers but they changed the threshold at the last minute and screwed me out of my bonus.
MONTH THIRTEEN – This job sucks. If I see another pompous physician I will kick him right in the balls like I did my boss. I will die before I ever feed a bunch of overweight and ungrateful staff members again. Told my boss to go screw himself of screw Dr. Johnson and leave me the f&*$ alone. Threw my keys to the generic minivan at him and walked away with my pride. Never again will I work for a pharmaceutical company.
MONTH FIFTEEN – Took a job at our rival. They got some new stuff in the pipeline. The money is even better than my old company. Called Dr. Johnson and will meet him Tuesday night for dinner.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
A Difference Between Generic Meds And Why Your Customers May Not Always Be As Crazy As You Think.
"Bullshit Drugmonkey." You are saying. "My customers are fucking psycho. The only people who worry about which particular generic they are getting are crackheads who want the same color promethazine with codeine syrup that the rappers sing about."
I hear you. Trust me, I hear you loud and clear. And the one thing I can tell you without the least bit of uncertainty is what you and I have both heard a million times: generic meds are the same thing as the brand name. The same ingredient put into your body in the same amount. Period. Without a doubt.
Now that we have that settled though let's play a little game. I call it "find the mile-wide loophole in what I just said." Read that last paragraph again and think it over. If you need some help think about extended-release products and what I didn't say.
If you need another clue here you go:
Didn't say anything about rate did I? This chart is from the FDA's own data regarding the anti-depressant Wellbutrin XL and a generic distributed by TEVA Pharmaceuticals sold under the name Budeprion XL. Look at the plasma concentration at two hours and five hours and tell me these meds are the same. The FDA put this out in response to numerous consumer complaints that the 300 mg TEVA generic led to relapses of depression and increased side effects. That wasn't a typo. The complaints were about the 300mg version and the FDA responded by studying the150mg tablets. "Because of the potential risk of seizures at higher doses, the 300 mg strength was not studied" said the FDA, which makes perfect sense in a bizarro alternate universe where you wouldn't study the thing you want to learn about out of safety concerns after you had already declared the thing you want to learn about to be safe and effective.
Someone actually did study the 300mg tablets people were actually complaining about though, and if you were able to sneak past the paywall of ConsumerLab.com and read their report this is part of what you'd see:
So... when someone actually took a look at the actual product people said affected them differently, and not a similar product used as a stand in by the FDA "for safety purposes," the differences were even greater than what the FDA found. Interesting. I won't say anyone was trying to hide anything, because I don't have any evidence for that. I will say that if you were trying to hide something though, what the FDA did might not be a bad way to go about it.
I also won't say that the differences the FDA and ConsumerLab found are clinically significant. It is entirely possible that what the FDA and ConsumerLab came up with, as striking as it may appear, would have no noticeable clinical effect.
I will say however, that when I dispense and you take a generic drug, we both expect it to be the same as its brand name equivalent, and that dumping 49% of a 24 hour dose over the course of four hours as opposed to 25% is not the same. It's almost twice as much. Which makes me wonder if maybe there's not a reason at least a few of my customers are so damn psycho.
It's also why I've started ordering Watson's version of Wellbutrin XL.
I hear you. Trust me, I hear you loud and clear. And the one thing I can tell you without the least bit of uncertainty is what you and I have both heard a million times: generic meds are the same thing as the brand name. The same ingredient put into your body in the same amount. Period. Without a doubt.
Now that we have that settled though let's play a little game. I call it "find the mile-wide loophole in what I just said." Read that last paragraph again and think it over. If you need some help think about extended-release products and what I didn't say.
If you need another clue here you go:
Didn't say anything about rate did I? This chart is from the FDA's own data regarding the anti-depressant Wellbutrin XL and a generic distributed by TEVA Pharmaceuticals sold under the name Budeprion XL. Look at the plasma concentration at two hours and five hours and tell me these meds are the same. The FDA put this out in response to numerous consumer complaints that the 300 mg TEVA generic led to relapses of depression and increased side effects. That wasn't a typo. The complaints were about the 300mg version and the FDA responded by studying the150mg tablets. "Because of the potential risk of seizures at higher doses, the 300 mg strength was not studied" said the FDA, which makes perfect sense in a bizarro alternate universe where you wouldn't study the thing you want to learn about out of safety concerns after you had already declared the thing you want to learn about to be safe and effective.
Someone actually did study the 300mg tablets people were actually complaining about though, and if you were able to sneak past the paywall of ConsumerLab.com and read their report this is part of what you'd see:
So... when someone actually took a look at the actual product people said affected them differently, and not a similar product used as a stand in by the FDA "for safety purposes," the differences were even greater than what the FDA found. Interesting. I won't say anyone was trying to hide anything, because I don't have any evidence for that. I will say that if you were trying to hide something though, what the FDA did might not be a bad way to go about it.
I also won't say that the differences the FDA and ConsumerLab found are clinically significant. It is entirely possible that what the FDA and ConsumerLab came up with, as striking as it may appear, would have no noticeable clinical effect.
I will say however, that when I dispense and you take a generic drug, we both expect it to be the same as its brand name equivalent, and that dumping 49% of a 24 hour dose over the course of four hours as opposed to 25% is not the same. It's almost twice as much. Which makes me wonder if maybe there's not a reason at least a few of my customers are so damn psycho.
It's also why I've started ordering Watson's version of Wellbutrin XL.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Last Week I Discovered My Inner Divinity
I never realized until last week just how much I had in common with Jesus.
I've written before about the dramatic tension that has gripped the happy pill room. What should have been a 10-minute problem has gone on for the better part of a couple months now. Personalities have clashed. Feelings have been hurt and egos wounded. I won't assign any blame other than to say that when the Pharmacy Manager leaves the problem leaves with her. The Pharmacy Manager took some time off last week, which meant the tension that gripped the pharmacy melted away like the fog giving way to life-affirming sunshine.
Sadly, this return of levity and happiness came at a great personal cost to myself, as no relief pharmacist was found to cover the manager's shifts. I took the burden of my world upon me then, sacrificing my body to make my environment a better place for all that inhabit it. Selflessly giving myself so that others may live in peace. Just like Jesus.
I also heal the sick. I bet if I ever meet Jesus we'll have a lot to talk about.
I'd probably ask Jesus what was up with the showgirl that was in the store Thursday. I'm not kidding. A woman in total Las Vegas feathery boob and crotch covering walked into the back room and was promptly marched right back out by the assistant manager. I long to know the story of the showgirl in my store and I bet Jesus could tell me.
One thing Jesus probably couldn't do though, is figure out our system router had lost power the way I did when our computers started acting all screwy for no apparent reason. There's not a lot in the Bible about Jesus being a technophile, so I could probably teach Jesus a thing or two. I hope he's not the kind of guy that would rope me into upgrading his computer to Windows Vista though, because I'd probably feel obligated to so I wouldn't be eternally dammed.
People pray to me though, just like Jesus. They beg for early Vicodin and for faxes to come through from their doctor's office. They pray for prior auth approvals and lower co-pays. Sometimes, when they pray for something they already have coming to them, I go ahead and grant their request, in order to enhance my omnipotent image. Most prayers directed to me go unanswered though, just like if you were directing them to Jesus.
I'll never ask you to eat my body or drink my blood though. That's just gross.
Nurses pray to me too. "I hope this is right" said one immediately before she began to phone in a prescription. I kinda hoped it was right too. I was nearing the end of my streak of twelve hour days and it would be much easier on my tired mind and body if the prescription were right. Not to mention my liability insurance.
Right after that came the French prescription. The French prescription was my crown of thorns. The words were in French, a language which is not English, because the prescription itself was written in France, a country that is not the United States. It was dropped off by a Frenchman who upon landing here had to go though a procedure where a person in an official looking uniform inspected him and his belongings before he was allowed to continue. This happens because different countries have, by definition, different laws regarding nearly everything, not the least of which being business and commerce. This point was lost on the Frenchman, who had no idea why I could not fill a prescription written in a language I do not understand. The Frenchman pressed the crown onto my head over the course of a vigorous debate over the conduction of cross-continental healthcare and when he was done I found a cup of coffee placed next to my computer by my trusty technician, who smiled and then went on about her work like nothing ever happened.
I have the best staff in the world. Neither Jesus nor the Pharmacy Manager better ever try to fuck with them.
I've written before about the dramatic tension that has gripped the happy pill room. What should have been a 10-minute problem has gone on for the better part of a couple months now. Personalities have clashed. Feelings have been hurt and egos wounded. I won't assign any blame other than to say that when the Pharmacy Manager leaves the problem leaves with her. The Pharmacy Manager took some time off last week, which meant the tension that gripped the pharmacy melted away like the fog giving way to life-affirming sunshine.
Sadly, this return of levity and happiness came at a great personal cost to myself, as no relief pharmacist was found to cover the manager's shifts. I took the burden of my world upon me then, sacrificing my body to make my environment a better place for all that inhabit it. Selflessly giving myself so that others may live in peace. Just like Jesus.
I also heal the sick. I bet if I ever meet Jesus we'll have a lot to talk about.
I'd probably ask Jesus what was up with the showgirl that was in the store Thursday. I'm not kidding. A woman in total Las Vegas feathery boob and crotch covering walked into the back room and was promptly marched right back out by the assistant manager. I long to know the story of the showgirl in my store and I bet Jesus could tell me.
One thing Jesus probably couldn't do though, is figure out our system router had lost power the way I did when our computers started acting all screwy for no apparent reason. There's not a lot in the Bible about Jesus being a technophile, so I could probably teach Jesus a thing or two. I hope he's not the kind of guy that would rope me into upgrading his computer to Windows Vista though, because I'd probably feel obligated to so I wouldn't be eternally dammed.
People pray to me though, just like Jesus. They beg for early Vicodin and for faxes to come through from their doctor's office. They pray for prior auth approvals and lower co-pays. Sometimes, when they pray for something they already have coming to them, I go ahead and grant their request, in order to enhance my omnipotent image. Most prayers directed to me go unanswered though, just like if you were directing them to Jesus.
I'll never ask you to eat my body or drink my blood though. That's just gross.
Nurses pray to me too. "I hope this is right" said one immediately before she began to phone in a prescription. I kinda hoped it was right too. I was nearing the end of my streak of twelve hour days and it would be much easier on my tired mind and body if the prescription were right. Not to mention my liability insurance.
Right after that came the French prescription. The French prescription was my crown of thorns. The words were in French, a language which is not English, because the prescription itself was written in France, a country that is not the United States. It was dropped off by a Frenchman who upon landing here had to go though a procedure where a person in an official looking uniform inspected him and his belongings before he was allowed to continue. This happens because different countries have, by definition, different laws regarding nearly everything, not the least of which being business and commerce. This point was lost on the Frenchman, who had no idea why I could not fill a prescription written in a language I do not understand. The Frenchman pressed the crown onto my head over the course of a vigorous debate over the conduction of cross-continental healthcare and when he was done I found a cup of coffee placed next to my computer by my trusty technician, who smiled and then went on about her work like nothing ever happened.
I have the best staff in the world. Neither Jesus nor the Pharmacy Manager better ever try to fuck with them.
Monday, January 10, 2011
He Failed You Sarah
His ammunition spent, the assailant stopped to reload, the authorities said, inserting a 31-round clip into the chamber of his Glock semiautomatic pistol before raising the gun again.
And in what was perhaps the only fortunate event of the day, the spring on the second clip failed. Two other men in the crowd lunged at the gunman and tackled him to the ground.
All indications were that he was trying Sarah, so maybe you'll cut him some slack for that.
I, and most of you reading this who are a member of one of the health care professions, learned long ago that when you are in a position of responsibility you have to be careful what you say. I just had an alcoholic customer finish drinking himself to death after his doctor told him "an occasional drink wouldn't hurt anything" That doctor was a dipshit, and Sarah Palin is a dipshit as well.
Or else she really does want people to shoot into crowds and kill 9-year old girls. I never thought I would be hoping so hard for Sarah Palin to be so stupid.
Last summer, Ms. Giffords’s Republican opponent, Jesse Kelly, had a campaign event in which voters were invited to “shoot a fully automatic M-16” with him to symbolize his assault on her campaign.
Sadly, Sarah isn't the only dipshit.
"Drugmonkey you don't understand" the conservatives are saying. Conservatives start off every rebuttal by implying we don't understand, for they are much smarter and much more wise to the ways of the world than we shall ever be. "Sara and Jessie were talking metaphorically." They will put a particular emphasis on the word "metaphorical," implying that maybe we should look it up later. The only reason a conservative can comprehend that you are not one of them is that you are not smart enough.
I am smart enough to know that you don't tell an alcoholic an occasional drink is OK though, and also smart enough to know you don't put this in front of the general public and then act like you don't know what will happen:
Look at that and then ask yourself what would happen if it had been on the Nation of Islam's website in the runup to last fall's election. You'd be calling for Louis Farrakhan's nuts on a platter right now, that's what you'd be doing.
So I guess I'm a little confused as to why Sara Palin's tits shouldn't be served up on a platter.
Unless they really do want us dead. Then it would all make sense.
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