Friday, March 15, 2013

So, Yeah, The New Book's Still Coming. Here's An Excerpt To Whet Your Appetite

Remember that nice cover I talked about last time? You can blame it for the current delay. I think "Scribus" is some sort of Latin word that translates as "software from hell"

Nothing that can't be handled though, it'll just be a matter of finding some time to work it in now that I have another project. A big project. Huge this project is. In about a month or so I'm gonna drop a bomb on you muthas that you may not believe. In the meantime, here's a piece of my book. Just to recap for those of you playing along at home. It's called "The Pharmacy Ripoff List" and it calls out 50 of the biggest pieces of crap stocked on pharmacy shelves across the country. Like this one....

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Chapter 25: Latisse


The Med

When I first heard of Latisse, it made me question my medical knowledge. Later, as I learned more, it made me question my sexuality. Latisse, you see, is the first prescription eye drop to treat hypotrichosis, which sounds scary and serious. My first thought was maybe hypotrichosis was the fancy medical name for African River Blindness or some other dreadful sight-threatening condition. But when I looked it up I learned that scary sounding hypotrichosis is actually:

”inadequate or not enough eyelashes”

This was a problem? I started a search for the signs and symptoms of this condition. I wondered what the prognosis was for sufferers. Allergan, the maker of Latisse, seemed very excited about it, so I figured this new treatment must be some type of revolutionary medical breakthrough. But after I dug into things for awhile, I learned that most “patients” that were to come to me with prescriptions for Latisse simply wanted to be sexier.

That was a surprise to me, because I’m pretty sure I’ve never once said to myself, or heard anyone else ever say anything like, “Whoa!! Check out her eyelashes!!” I’ve never once had eyelashes figure into a dating decision or complimented a woman on hers a single time. Maybe eyelashes play a role in human sexuality that I was completely unaware of. Maybe I’m some sort of pervert.

The Scam

Or maybe Allergan is taking advantage of the extreme shallowness that prevails in modern society. Latisse is nothing new. It is simply a repackaging of the anti-glaucoma medicine Lumigan. The people at Allergan noticed that glaucoma sufferers using their product sometimes grew thicker eyelashes, so they put it in a different box and pretended it was something new. It is not. It is the same stuff, in the same strength, with the same side effects, including the risk that it may change the color of your eyes to brown. The only difference is Latisse is packaged with a supply of little brushes that make applying it to your lashes easier. Let me repeat this to be clear: There is no difference between Latisse and Lumigan other than the name on the box.

If you decide that sexy eyelashes are what you want though, and you really desire the little brushes to help you put on your Lumig....er....Latisse, be ready to pay around $110 a month.

What To Do

Pick up a book, because a smart woman is the sexiest of them all. Why do you think librarians and nurses play such prominent roles in fantasy lives? While you’re in that book maybe you’ll learn that African River Blindness has taken the sight of over 300,000 people even though it can be treated for only a few dollars. Maybe then you’ll be at the bar talking about the unfairness of it all and you’ll sweep a socially conscious hunk of a man right off his feet. Or, at the very least, you could join a gym, and develop the parts of your body a shallow man-pig would actually be attracted to while doing wonders to improve your overall health.

Because Latisse, while marketed for the treatment of hypotrichosis, is far more effective in curing “more money than brains” syndrome.  


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Holy crap this sounds like a great book. After reading that chapter again I am nothing but thankful this night I have a copy here on my computer that I can read anytime I want. 


Soon you will too my friends. Just as soon as the Scibus is overcome. 

Fucking Scibus.



8 comments:

Mama Dobble said...

Go, Speed Racer.

Sean P Kane said...

Really nice excerpt -- I'll be looking forward to reading more! Any chance you'll be covering febuxostat, pitavastatin, ezetimibe, BiDil, or dexlansoprazole? I'm sure the list can go on and on...

Anonymous said...

So the drug is applied to dead cells? What a waste. What happens if the user doesn't have glaucoma to begin with? Will the IOP decrease so much that the eyeball deflates?

Anonymous said...

Always seemed strange to me that women rip the hair out by the root when it grows out of line or between the eyebrows, but do everything they can to make the hair just a few centimeters away on the eyes longer and bigger. Even glue extra hairs on if the mascara doesn't do it. Maybe the Latisse people deserve the big bucks for knowing which hairs are the sexy ones? Looking forward to ordering the book when it's ready!

jess said...

I lost a potential customer because I couldn't get Latisse right away. We transferred a script and went to order it from the wholesaler, but I couldn't get it for a couple a days. They transferred the script right back to Wag because they couldn't wait a couple of days. I even offered to fill it with Lumigan and a mascara brush...

Blonde Pharmacist said...

Well you know I HAD to reply to this one. http://theblondepharmacist.com/2013/03/17/oh-latisse/

Charlotte Morden said...

I simply cannot wait to give you my money!

Miss Margo said...

Most cosmetics are a cosmic joke on womankind. $100 latisse is no exception.

I've never heard of an eyelash fetish, btw, and you know that perverts are my bread and butter.