Tuesday, December 06, 2011

A Rerun And Shameless Book Plug All In One. What's Not To Love About This Post?

You know, I think the ideal Christmas gift would have something like this to say about the holiday:

For someone who professes to love us all, you'd think that maybe the thought our time could be worth a little something might enter Jesus' skull once or twice. That maybe Jesus could tell us, "You know, there's no need to go all out for my birthday. Really. Me and my Dad, the all knowing, omnipotent creator of universes known and unknown, the Deity that can part seas with his breath, move mountains with his pinky and knows the exact number of hairs on your head, I'm sure we'll come up with something. Don't put yourself out just on my account." 
"And there is really no need to invent The Clapper to sell in the season of my special day. You work too hard for your money." 
That's what my Uncle Harold would say. Uncle Harold always insisted we never make a big deal about his birthday, because that was just the kind of guy Harold was. Unlike this prick Jesus who pretty much ruined my whole week with this Christmas shit. 
And by whole week I mean entire month of December. And part of November as well. Traffic gets backed up because of a goddamn parade. People everywhere I want to shop. A big pile of pine trees right where I normally park my car at work. All because this savior of mankind lets it go straight to his head. 
I got news for you Jesus. I once saved the life of a mouse we found in the backroom of the store. That's right. Instead of killing it, I captured the little guy and let him loose in the woods in back of the mall. And I don't expect the mouse to buy shit every year for my birthday either. I think maybe I could teach you a thing or two about humility Mr. Son of God. 
The sad thing is it's not just me that gets screwed. The entire goddamn planet has to put their lives on hold just for Jesus every year. Fuck it makes me so mad. I got over birthdays when I was like 9, and Jesus still gets all giddy like a girl after 2000 of them? Give me a break. Buddhism looks better every day. No wonder there are so many Buddhists.

Which is why I think my book is the ideal Christmas present. Because that was an excerpt from my book.You should totally show Jesus Christmas is just about the stuff by buying a copy. And now, finally, you can put it on your Kindle which is a bit of stuff I still don't quite understand, other than to know I get a bigger royalty when someone buys a Kindle version. So um, yeah, I'm all about the Kindle. In your face Jesus. I'm gonna make some money off your birthday.

Go here to get a copy of the greatest pharmacy book ever written for your Kindle.

Or here to get me in your Nook. Which sounds kinda fun depending on your attractiveness. 

And if you're a fan of the paper, you can order a copy here. 

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'll buy that. Early Christmas gift to myself.

Stavros69 said...

Why do we have Christmas Trees rather than a Birthday Cake?

Stavros69 said...

Why do we have Christmas Carols when we should be singing Happy Birthday?

Stavros69 said...

Why am I buying my relatives gifts when it is not their fucking birthday?

Stavros69 said...

Why am I celebrating Jesus' birthday when I wish that he was never born?

Tara said...

You are a piece of....work! How offensive is THIS post! Shame on you.

DrugMonkey, Master of Pharmacy said...

How offensive was this post? About as offensive as I could make it.

I do notice however....that you never use the word "untrue"

Mission accomplished for me.....:)

Anonymous said...

Oh no, you've offended the Christian! Their faith apparently is not enough; they must make sure that those of us who agree with you should feel ashamed. To you offended theist, I say, get bent. Not everyone is Christian. Not everyone likes having you tell us from your moral high horse how wrong and shameful the rest of us are. Get over yourself.

Therese said...

Oh please, Tara. Spout your opinions on your own blog.

Pharmgurl said...

I still go to church, believe in God and Jesus and all that entails. However the Christmas season used to be exciting as a child but now as an adult it well...sucks ass. I'm broker than all get out! Thanks Jesus! Now where's my money bitch? Don't I get compensated for having to participate in the holiday mayhem? Perhaps it's just engrained in my head to "feel" the spirit of Christmas. Although that sounds dirty...like I want a spirit touching me. Anyway, love your post, follow your blog, I'm a pharmacy tech and can relate. Happy Holidays and another thanks to Jesus for making my mortgage payment late yet again this month. First time was the dang pilgrims fault.

Pharmgurl said...

Maybe it's because we were brainwashed as children and it's passed down generation to generation, this brainwashing, to celebrate Christmas. All the decor, the gifts and the singing, it's nice, pleasant even, but...why? Why the hell am I going nearly broke worrying about getting my kid another toy she's just going to break a month from now. I want to say thank you. Thank you Jesus for cleaning out my bank account. Do I get comp pay for this? I agree and will more than likely spend even more money that I do not have to purchase your book for my Nook. No worries, my Nook is attractive and clean. Merry Christmas, hopefully we don't end up drowning ourselves in a punch bowl of eggnog.

Lynda said...

tara, lighten up!! on this blog you can have the spirit with Jesus and the DrugMonkey. See how Blessed you are!

Anonymous said...

I'm a pharm tech, have been for 15 years. I don't understand how one person can get offended by offering a " Merry Christmas" and suddenly corporate policy changes?? Tara: I'm in your corner. No one forces people to skip a mortgage payment to buy presents. Try budgeting for crying out loud! It's not like Christmas is Leap Year and we aren't quite sure when to expect it! I know I'll get crap for this, but show a little respect people. The Man gave his life for people like you ( and me ). You may not understand nor care, but alot of people do.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like someone started ranting off on a childhood abuse case from a Catholic priest and now hates anything to do with Christianity...anyways drug monkey I have to say...Christmas has nothing to do with Jesus anymore, think about it, its been manipulated by corporate businesses to make money...if Christmas was really about Jesus, people would just go to church for Christmas eve and that would be it. No shopping for gifts, no caroling, no santas at the mall with ridiculously long picture lines...same goes for Easter, when is the last time you saw something relevant to the resurrection at your local walmart or mall or even better YOUR PHARMACY...every "religious" holiday has been turned into some marketing campaign to BUY BUY BUY! Your taking your anger out on the wrong thing. =)