It's nighttime, and soon I'll swallow the Ambien that will serve as a cut off switch to end this day. Hopefully I won't drink too much and I'll remember to lie down before it sinks into my brain, so I won't do things like have entire Facebook chats I don't remember, so I won't have to piece together what I did this night from clues that are available tomorrow morning. Hopefully, but don't count on it. There are new episodes of Beavis and Butthead on MTV.com, and those little guys remind me of the 90's, which were my decade of hope. I'll probably watch them and not remember.
Soon it will be daytime, and a jolt of Wellbutrin will make it possible for me to get out of bed and face you. I'll open the bedroom curtains and look for something. It's better with the Wellbutrin, honest it is. Before the Wellbutrin I didn't know if it was gonna be you or me, but someone was gonna get hurt. Probably me now that I think about it. I'm a lot easier to hurt. Anyway, we don't have to worry about that these days. The Wellbutrin has lifted some of the fog from my brain and let me be productive again and keep a smile on my face as you ask me about shampoo and demand to know what happened to BC headache powders. The only reason I'm able to type this now is because of the Wellbutrin. Otherwise I'd be outside on the deck staring into the night looking for something.
It's probably making some of you uncomfortable to read this. People don't like to hear about other people who take antidepressants. I'll put you at ease by instead writing about how I burned my hand on the stove tonight. The skin on my fingers is turning white and thick and it hurts like hell. I'll take a couple more pills for that.
I wonder if you know I have to wring every last bit of norepinephrine from my brain the way a man stranded in the desert would desperately squeeze out every last drop of water from a sponge just to be able to get through a workday. My mind probably stopped producing the norepinephrine on its own because it saw what it was getting me. Making me say it three times won't change the fact you should see a doctor for that wart on your genitals. No, there isn't an over the counter cream that will help. Even if you make me say it four times.
The little red light just went off so I ran to the phone. Maybe somebody left me a message on Facebook. The little flickers of light are the only moments of hope left in the day now. Like dying embers in the fire of the 90's. The other day Michael Moore sent me a direct message on Twitter. Seriously.
The giant martini I just poured will help me forget about this. It'll wipe the memory clean and let me jolt myself awake with the Wellbutrin tomorrow with a blank slate and the ability to pretend maybe something will be written on it. Or at least that the little red light will go off and it will be someone I'll want to text back.
There has to be more than this. I know there can be a lot less.
15 comments:
Have you ever thought about quitting drinking? This post reminds me of me about 30 years ago before I stopped. Alcohol so screws the brain up and you seem to drink a lot and you seem to need to drink a lot.
Just a thought.
Have you ever though about quitting drinking? Alcohol really screws up your thinking. I know.
Get the hell out of retail, DM. Go do something where your clinical skills can actually be appreciated.
As someone who once was on an antidepressant that really screwed up my life... you think it makes it easier and doable but eventually once off at it you can see you weren't really living your life at all..I feel I can comment on this...make a change...change professions...stop drinking...life is too short to feel this way even if it's only long enough to write this blog...you are asking for help. You are an intelligent person. I love reading your new column in Drug Topics and have followed your blog forever. But you need to fix you first. Stop trying to fix this profession, it's not going to happen. Find a way to get out.
As for getting off of antidepressants. I have been running for over a year now. Running has done much more than any antidepressant ever did. I feel great, I am happy and I am healthy. I wonder if I am addicted but guess what it's a much better addiction than alcohol or ambien or wellbutrin. Take care of yourself. Become a writer...sometimes all that's holding one back is fear, take the leap GET OUT OF RETAIL and just do it. You are single, sock some money away, downsize then get out!
Someone who cares and knows you can change your life and be happy...
You are scaring me drug monkey. Please cease the martinis with the Wellbutrin. I need your blog to continue so I don't end up in the little white jacket with straps! Keep up the good fight. Rage against the dying of the light! Sending good thoughts your way.
Maybe a career in pool cleaning may be more rewarding. You can just listen to NPR, Vampire Weekend, or The Carpenters while you skim those bugs and leaves off the surface. Just you, the pool, and the skimmer. That sounds nice, no?
Yiiiikkkees. This is what my 'older' pharmacist friend told me about, first it was the amphetamine someone usually had around to cram for midterms and finals, and then the Valium, and the martinis, and the rest of the 60s. Please, not the 60s again, not them, no more Peter Max. I still cannot stand orange sherbet, lemon yellow, neon red, turquoise, and hot pink mixed together.
Seriously, think about doing something different in pharmacy, Drug Monkey, not for the love of Pete, but for yourself. Much as we like reading your blog, all this business about scotch, whiskey, etc. is just not good for your liver (but, more importantly, for your self-esteem).
I agree with the cessation of alcohol. As a long-time sufferer of depression, mixing booze with meds is a dangerous thing, and nothing good can come from self medication. Thinking of you...
Michael Moore really sent you a personal tweet? Really?
You just make my day sometimes.
Great blog, DM. It sounds as if you are "vulcan mind-melded" into my psyche.
The Effexor XR & Wellbutrin do it for me. Suffered from depression for a long, time, since my third DM at Lilly decided that I was the one in my territory not working instead of the guy who was addicted to Vics, popping his DN100 samples and washing it down with a twelve-pack. Before work.
But I digress. Somehow I came out of the fog. I found a job that blows, but blows less than the poor schlubs toiling at WAG or Corporate Values Slavery.
Keep up the good work. Keep fighting the good fight.
Peace.
Boy, I folowed that path and all it got me was forced into the Health Professionals Recovery Program in my state. What's your secret?
I probably don't need to tell you this, but alcohol is a depressant. Do urself a favor and only social drink, and with limits. Love ya! Red Light!!! :)
Shame is your enemy, do what you need to do to make it through one day at-a-time...
Love ya DM! You're not the lone person in the desert. Happy to read Wellbutrin is working for you. Hope Zoloft does the trick for me, so I can find my smile again. Maybe retail isn't the place to be... money isn't everything
I know this is an old post, so you may not get this comment, but to quote The Bloggess-- Depression Lies. Also, CITALOPRAM!!!!! Celexa makes my daily life just a little bit better. And cyclobenzaprine makes the night better. Do what you gotta do to get through the day and try to find those good moments, like Michael Moore DMing you on twitter!
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