CAMP HILL, PA- In a fictional news conference held today to counter real criticism of the company's new 15 minute prescription guarantee, John Standley, President and CEO of struggling drugstore operator Rite Aid gave a surprising explanation for the new initiative. Taking the podium half an hour late "Due to unforeseen circumstances" Standley told reporters "When organizations such as the Institute for Safe Medication Practices say things such as 'the message from pharmacy chains is clear, it's all about speed.' they miss the larger point of our plan. While there is certainly a customer service component involved, the main idea here is customer assurance. Namely, assurance that Rite Aid will stay in business long enough to successfully complete the filling of your prescription."
"Let's face it." Standley didn't add. "This place could go under any minute now. And having us close up shop while waiting for medication could range anywhere from simply inconvenient, to, in the case of a narcotic dependent customer in need of a fix, absolutely harrowing. Well that won't happen at Rite Aid. Let me give my word to everyone out there that we will close the in window at each of our stores at least a quarter of an hour before any Chapter 7 bankruptcy filing, giving us time to take care of the needs of each and every person in our waiting room before we join the ash heap of business history"
"I can say this because for me, it's personal. I understand the anxiety a customer goes through in that period between dropping off a prescription and completing the register transaction. Will someone from the sheriff's office come in and start seizing assets in order to satisfy a creditor? Could a bank possibly swoop in and conduct a foreclosure? Will they have to sell off inventory in order to make the next junk bond payment? These are all very good questions. Ones of a type I sometimes ask myself while checking 5 or 6 times a night to make sure my paycheck was credited to my bank account."
"My 4.5 million dollar paycheck" He didn't say as he went on. "I got paid four and a half million dollars to lose over half a billion last year. Isn't that something?" Standley then didn't wistfully stare off into space before being interrupted by a reporter asking about the wisdom of repeating the Domino's Pizza 30 minute delivery guarantee fiasco.
"Domino's mistake was that they never put in writing that they in no way intended for their employees to shortchange safety." Standley never said. "We have made it clear in official corporate communications that we expect our pharmacists not to sacrifice accuracy in order to meet our time requirement, meaning that when one of them does and the lawsuit comes, our butts will be covered."
"Besides, we don't have any money anyway. We went over that, remember? You can't get blood out of a turnip"
When reached for comment, a spokesman for CVS laughed hysterically for five minutes.
13 comments:
Holy Christ, I, too, laughed hysterically for at least five minutes. And then I wept like a baby from the emotional exhaustion of the truth.
Effin' genius.
Your talents are wasted... take the pay cut and write for The Onion. Absolutely amazing.
And, the Sunday edition of newspaper ads had 10 pages of a full-color section for CVS and only 1.5 pages on actual medications, 3.5 if you count the 2pages of drinking alcohol products.
It is a credit to your loving tutelage at this blog that when I saw that Rite Aid commercial guaranteeing a 15 minute wait time and was appalled.
I can't think of any nearby Rite Aid locations anyhow.
I have to say, I was really impressed when a Rite Aid Rph called last week to ask for a transfer. I forgot they still exist and how clueless general public can be.
The TV ad on their 15 minute bullshit has an exception noted at the bottom: State of NY. Let's move...
If any other chains perceive a loss of rxs to rite aid they will adopt the same stooopid policy. Sheep following the bellwether...right over the cliff..or is that lemmings?
Just read a business report where Rite-Aid is losing less money than they have been in the past. I am just wondering if this is encouraging news? After all, they are still losing money. And, does this not still make them a LOSER? :)
Dearest DrugMonkey -- you work for one of the chains, right? Hasn't upper management "warned" you about what you say on your blog or threatened you for expressing your opinion or -- gasp -- told you to cease and desist?
Or are you just a magic man, immune from such corporate cruelty?
CVS just doesn't advertise it but that is their policy too, and it has been for many, many years. RA is just trying to play catch up. A little late now I'd say. Also, NY RA RPh's still have to fill the rx's in 15 minutes and if it takes longer, spend another 15 minutes explaining why the state of NY won't let us give out gift cards. It would be easier to just be able to give the gift card. Oh the joys of retail pharmacy!
CVS said years ago to do a 15 minutes per 'script plan but they didn't say you'd get your meds for free if it wasn't done in 15 minutes.
I couldn't believe RA was stupid enough to encourage people to not call in ahead of time for refills, not even RA could be that dumb. It seemed so counter-productive I had to call their corporate office to see if the 15 minute deal applied to refills and they said yes it did. I commented that obviously the best thing for a customer to do was bring in a pile of refills at 5pm and wait for them to which the voice on the phone said "I guess so". Once again corporate honchos completely out of touch with frontline reality.
not quite totally off topic - have you heard about CVS' so-called "Superman Scam"?
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