Dear Sir/Madam/Whoever is in charge of your train wreck,
I don't have to tell you times are tough. The housing bubble and its resulting ills have hit this country hard, and Cleveland harder. Unemployment and its resulting ills have settled upon your city like a two foot blanket of snow. You face despair, homelessness, crime, drugs and violence each and every day, and things aren't good off of the basketball court either. I write you this day not to wallow in your misery however, but to ignite the flame of hope. When you have hit bottom there is only one way to go, and today I offer you a solution that I am confident will contribute to the long term improvement of your bottom line.
I propose that you immediately terminate the employment of every player on your active roster and replace them with a team consisting entirely of myself. I will perform the duties of every position; forward, center, and guard, and will play the entirety of every game. Furthermore, I will do so for a salary of $2 million a year, a savings of approximately $49 million from your current payroll. This may appear at first to be quite a radical move on your part, but my projections show that had this plan been put in place at the beginning of the current basketball season, the net result would only be eight fewer wins for your team at this point. Sacrificing quality in order to achieve cost savings has long been a tradition in the business world, and I feel the time is right for the Cleveland Cavaliers to join the predominating corporate paradigm. When you do, you are most certain to find out what many successful companies have found out before you, that the elimination of quality is good for profits. In your case, the spectacle of a 6 foot tall white guy taking on the entire roster of the Los Angeles Lakers would surely be far more entertaining than the product you are currently marketing. Ticket sales are likely to see a significant increase.
I also would be returning to my native Ohio to continue my basketball journey. Making it possible to market me as the anti-LeBron James.
I would be available immediately after giving the customary two week notice to my current employer, and have been working out regularly for the last three years, although I don't see what possible difference that would make. I do see a future for us as bright as the Cuyahoga River aflame on a clear winter's night.
I look forward to the chance to improve both of our finances.