Sunday, May 23, 2010

My Romantic Weekend.

Friday night the Chinese lady finally gave me her phone number. She's been spooking me out for awhile now, but honestly, her English is so bad I've never been sure quite what her motivations were, or exactly how to communicate that I was not interested if they were not pure. She slipped a piece of paper across the counter and said something. After asking her to repeat it a few times, I figured out it was "when would be a convenient time for lunch or a dinner?"

Had to let the hammer down. Which was a shame. She's probably a nice lady if I could figure out what she was saying.

Got home to an e-mail letting me know my plans for Saturday had fallen through. Something about a sister being in town or something. Part of me couldn't help but wonder if "sister in town" is derived from some sort of ancient Latin phrase that means "got a better offer." The message did say I was fabulous though, and I can't help but  notice how every rejection of late usually comes tied with a compliment. Fabulous was a new one. Usually I'm nice or sweet or something. I'm going to shoot some random bastard for no other reason than I'll never have to hear how nice and sweet I am ever again.

About a quarter after midnight the phone rang. It was my last girlfriend. Having made a few calls myself this time of night to ex's, I knew it was best left unanswered.

Saturday I looked at the facebook page of the woman I would choose to spend the weekend with. I don't know why, because I don't get a choice. She did say I was nice though, and now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure the word "fabulous" was in there at some point as well.

Maybe they think I'm gay.

A wink rolled in from my match.com account from a woman who looks like a truck driver, complete with foam cap. I said thanks but no thanks. I'm sure she was very nice though.

I spent a 45-minute phone conversation trying to get 2 words out of someone. I chatted on line with an old e-friend who said she missed me. She's 3,000 miles away. I asked someone out in the real world and got shot down while being told I was a nice man.

I woke up around 2 in the afternoon on Sunday and the silence in my condo was suffocating. This is what you sign up for when you jump in the dating pool my friends. You take a leap into that thing and you will spend your time doing very little other than taking punches to the face while simultaneously hurting the feelings of people who have done you no wrong. Neither of which I find particularly enjoyable. It's brutal. There's a couple of teeth on the floor here and I have no idea if they're mine or someone's I just knocked out.

And you know what your reward is? The big payoff if you do happen to make it through that booby-trapped minefield with a fake map in your hands without somehow getting your damn legs blown off and your heart ground up in a shredder? Evenings with your significant other arguing over where the thermostat should be set. Long nights staring out the window wondering what you could have made of your life if you weren't bogged down with a spouse and a couple of kids. Eye rolls and heavy sighs and a constant struggle for power that makes the backroom deals in your state legislature look positively quaint. Don't lie to me married people. I was once one of you, and I know exactly how happy you are.

Oh, and in those few cases where it does work out? You can look forward to a devastating widowhood.

Life is a setup for failure. I'm going to go throw up now. Just to show myself I have some control over something.

22 comments:

Tyler said...

"Oh, and in those few cases where it does work out? You can look forward to a devastating widowhood.

Life is a setup for failure."

Way to think positively.... Come on man, you're rich. You should be able to land a decent girl, just keep looking. She's out there.

woolywoman said...

you forgot sex.

Anonymous said...

I agree 100%....already been there, yet sadist/masochist that I am, feel like I want to do it again.

Anonymous said...

marriage starts with a promise and thrives on compromise...26 years and I think we're gonna make it.

pillroller said...

DM don't you know women prefer bad boys, at least the ones YOU want to date. my wife keeps telling me of all these women at her work that get bored with there nice guy boy friends/husbands, most want adventure. lets face it a pharmacist is not exactly the picture of lust and adventure. besides the last place you want to have a close encounter is at work with a co-worker or customer

Anonymous said...

man... way to cheer me up DM! Sorry for your luck, keep at though. Its definitely worth it to fight over the remote.

Married: 4 years, and he drives me BONKERS, but he makes me laugh till I piddle. Which makes him laugh at him. It all ends up ok.

Từ Thanh Giác said...

I kept looking for love. The American women that I dated since my divorce learned one thing from their divorce - Never love again. I found a Vietnamese woman capable of love. I have been married 8 years now and love it.
Sure the marriage has has cultural problems, but all in all it was the best thing that I ever did in my life.

DrLucyVanPelt said...

I love you, DrugMonkey! You have a gift of saying exactly what I am thinking (only I am thinking it from the other side... though same situation) The ones that do show an interest are only after $$$. No, I am not bitter... just tired of the games.

Nurse J said...

your love life may suck but your writing is poetry, man, pure poetry.

and i quote:

'There's a couple of teeth on the floor here and I have no idea if they're mine or someone's I just knocked out.'

Mike said...

My gosh, how old are you again? This is the kind of stuff I thought when I was 16. So first, stop wallowing. Chicks don't dig the morose attitude.

Second, stop using online dating sites. I don't know anyone who they've worked for. When you meet a girl, it'll be through friends or by accident.

Third, get the hell out of that condo and buy a house. What were you thinking?! "Oh hay baby, why don't you come on back to my crappy condo?" Rates are cheap and you can afford it. It'll give you an esteem boost and something to focus on.

Fourth, if you don't want a girl, quit your whining. You obviously do want a girl, and all of this existential crap is just confusing the issue. Now write down what you want in a girl so you can realize it when you meet her, dickhead.

Fifth, you're obviously attracted to the wrong kind of women. You may have to adjust your expectations here. I know you want a bitch that will treat you like crap, perhaps inspired by your mother, but that is a recipe for failure. Aim for someone like your grandmother instead. Pervert.

Sixth, it's cliche, but you have to like yourself before someone else can like you, and your self-loathing reeks through the goddamn internet. Your new ladyfriend isn't going to be the thing that 'fixes' you because you aren't broken. You can't expect that from anyone but yourself.

Seventh, yes, maybe you are gay for writing posts like this.

My eighth and final point: if life is a setup for failure, then quit being afraid of failure and do whatever the hell you want, if you even know what that is. Yes, all roads lead to death, but some roads are a lot more enjoyable and less regrettable than others. They're especially more enjoyable when you have a best friend to share them with, who happens to have a vagina.

I'm only so mean because I care.

Tonina said...

I felt the same way till I was about 27. Then I found a nice guy who makes me laugh and doesn't mind that I'm an utter goofball.

I never thought it would work for me either, so try to hang in there. It was only after I'd given up (and was genuinely looking at how to become a nun) that I found the real thing. (Apparently my life is a retread of The Sound of Music, minus the Nazis, striking musical ability, stepchildren, and wealth.) So relax, try to stop worrying about it...and maybe go investigate the priesthood, just to make it clear you're seriously pissed. ;-)

Ann said...

I think I am in love with Mike...unfortunately I am one of the few HAPPY married women.....

Moral Nomad said...

I gotta go with Stavros on this. Don't sell the Chinese lady short. Language difficulties are not that hard to overcome (especially for a smart guy like yourself). They even can make for some pretty amusing moments, like my Iranian wife trying to tell me to take it with a grain of salt and it coming out "take it with salt and pepper."

Chin Up said...

You should call the Chinese woman. There are other ways to communicate other than language.

And steer clear of the priesthood - it might turn you into a pederast.

And to be completely tacky, you can always hire an "escort", even go for the "girlfriend experience" - with the $'s others here allege you have, you should be able to afford a really nice one. Just a thought.

The PharmD Student said...

I could give you some advice right now, but to be honest, nothing I have to say would hold any weight at all. I live in a very different world than you do.

I mean, I met my girlfriend at a mutual friend's house under some strange circumstances. I would hazard a guess that type of thing doesn't happen much ouch you reach middle age.

Mike's mother comment? Ouch, that guy is a dick.

P.S. I'm sorry about the "middle age" comment...

Anonymous said...

Mike, you should start your own blog. You have hit the nail buddy.

Filet-o-bitch RPh said...

I am single!!

The Redheaded Pharmacist said...

The dating game can be brutal. I would know. But you never know what is just around the corner. I wouldn't give up just yet if I were you. Good luck DM!

Jo said...

You speak for me as well.

Street Philosopher said...

I read this through some toungue-in-cheek, with a little real-world mixed in. Maybe that's just me...in any case, from reading your blog I gather the dating thing has been on your mind for the past few months, so stop looking. You'll at least find someone pretty cool when you just chill out about the whole thing.

Accidents are what really become relationships. And sometimes just temporary but strong ones. Ever-lasting doesn't work for everyone all the time.

's all good yo.

Jenn said...

I'm one of those who I suppose will be looking forward to a devastating widowhood.

It's all good though, because the memories of so many good years, and the four wonderful children I have with my husband will help carry me through the years without him.

JesJensen said...

Oh come now, pharmacist is such an edgy profession...or atleast thats what one in a bar in NC hopped up on loratab after having surgery informed me. Chicks dig edgy *wink* *wink*