Saturday, May 09, 2009

I'm Tired Of Hearing About All The Things My Mother Supposedly Did For Me.

Brought me into the world, changed my smelly diapers.....blah blah blah. Well you know what? I think it's a little funny I have no memory of these so called events taking place. 

My first memories of the world are around the time of Watergate. I remember being on vacation, and after a hard day of threatening to pull the car over and knock some sense into me and my sisters, Dad turning on the TV at the motel and saying something about wanting to hear the latest on Watergate. The TV then warmed up and immediately showed a man falling off a cliff. For years afterward I thought Watergate had something to do with that man falling off the cliff. Little did I know that was a metaphor for our nation. 

Anyway, my point is that the whole Watergate thing started in 1972, reaching a climax with Richard Nixon's resignation in 1974. I supposedly "came into this world" in 1969, which blows a hole a mile wide through this whole mother "brought me in" story.

And diapers. I have no memory of ever wearing one of those things, and I don't see why I ever would have. Going to the bathroom isn't rocket science, and I can't think of a time when I couldn't handle it. Besides, my shit smells like roses, so even if someone did have to change one of these "diapers" I was wearing, I can't imagine it would be anything other than a pleasurable experience. 

I'll tell you something my mother didn't do. Talk me out of going to pharmacy school. As a matter of fact, she seemed rather happy the day I saw a classified ad in the paper and announced I would be a pharmacist because they made a lot of money and "I'm sure I could do that." Pfffft. So now I'm a pharmacist and not a Pulitzer Prize winning novelist. Thanks for that Mom.

I sent her some flowers anyway. Because I don't believe in negativity bringing me down. I suppose you should probably do something for your Mother tomorrow as well. 

Because your shit probably does stink.

 


9 comments:

Anonymous said...

You could still be a novelist! You are a very talented writer. If you wrote a book, I'd love to read it. Maybe try something autobiographical; you've got that sarcastic kind of humor that reminds me a bit of writers like David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs (w/o the gay, of course).

Utah Savage said...

Best Mother's Day post so far.

Anonymous said...

I let my Mum talk me into doing Pharmacy. I wanted to do Ancient History, but was convinced that there were "no jobs in that field" and to take on pharmacy, just like her. I wish that I could have ignored her advice then as I have learned to now!

omnomnom said...

Anyway, my point is that the whole Watergate thing started in 1972, reaching a climax with Richard Nixon's resignation in 1974. I supposedly "came into this world" in 1969, which blows a hole a mile wide through this whole mother "brought me in" story.THE BABY DRUGMONKEY WAS SOOO CUUTE! I'm going to bite his cheeks omnomnomnomnom.

kiwi said...

You know, I was going to respond to this in a way I found amusing, but on rereading it, I thought maybe sounded just a bit harsh...so all I'm going to say now is, hope you didn't send your mom roses.

Neither Here Nor There said...

My mother still considers the time I left home at 19 as the time I ran away. I call it the time that I successfully chewed off my foot and escaped. She only gets the reluctant obligatory 2 minute phone call.

Cracked Pestle said...

My parents poured all their hopes and dreams into my brother's life, and sort of left me and my sister to drift. They never expected us to be anything more than housewives. Pharmacy was my choice. My parents did not live to see me graduate from pharmacy school. Part of me wishes they had, and part of me is glad they're not here to ignore my success. BTW, my brother now sells colon cleansers. I'm sure they'd be proud of him.

Anonymous said...

My mom wanted me to go to medical school. So badly that she started shoving it down my throat when I was about 4, if I recall correctly. After more than a decade of hearing about what I must do with my life, I said fuck you and didn't go to college at all. A year later, I decided college was a must, and ended up in pharmacy school. After graduation, mom insisted on introducing me to her friends by saying I was a doctor (this was pre-entry-level PharmD, I was not, am not, and don't want to be a doctor). She still thinks I made the wrong choice, and tells me about it every chance she gets. Which is partially why I haven't spoken to her in over a year. So what if she gave birth to me? Giving birth does NOT make you a GOOD mother. I don't owe her a damn thing. I hate mother's day...

Billigflug USA said...

Mothers. If they don't want to force you into their desired way for you, they criticize everything you do, because they've done it forever the other way and that's the only one that works in their eyes.
Many fights and quarrels, but in the end, who can imagine life without her? Even though it seems we always argue when we're together, I was still sad, that she didn't came to visit, when I lived in another town.