Big Pharma And The Health "Insurance" Industry Come Up With A Comedic Routine That Leaves Me In Stitches.

When I first heard The New York Times was abandoning its long held position as the nation's newspaper of record in favor of a Steven Colbert-like satirical take on the news of the day, I was skeptical. I mean, I understand times are tough in the journalism field, and I understand they probably take a lot of heat from people who think an editorial position slightly left of center makes them a tool of the vast liberal conspiracy I am so desperately searching to join, but really, they are the best paper we have in this country, and abandoning that position to take on papers like The Onion, who excel an the satire, seemed like a risky thing to do. 

Then I saw their first effort:

WASHINGTON — Doctors, hospitals, drug makers and insurance companies will join President Obama on Monday in announcing their commitment to a sharp reduction in the growth of national health spending, White House officials said Sunday.

The officials said the plan could save $2,500 a year for a family of four in the fifth year and a total of $2 trillion for the nation over 10 years. That could make it less expensive for Congress to enact comprehensive health insurance coverage, a daunting challenge facing the Obama administration.

Drug makers? Insurance Companies? Committed to reducing the growth of national health care spending? Oh my God that's comedy gold!!!!! BBBBBBWWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!! The New York Times did it! This was the funniest thing I've read in a paper in ages!

Except I lied to you. It was a real news story. Which makes it even funnier. 

Drug Makers. Committed to reducing the growth of national health care spending. Really? So.....they're gonna stop making bullshit like Paxil CR? Auarlgan? Niravam? Proquin XR? 

Don't count on it. 

Are they gonna give back the extra $2 billion a year they get from the feds taking over drug coverage from people eligible for both Medicare and Medicaid? 

Probably not. But they are very committed to reducing the nation's health care costs. 

And the insurance companies, they'll be giving back the extra $5.2 billion a year they soak the taxpayers for with their bullshit "Medicare Advantage" plans, whose whole purpose was that they would save us money? 

Sure. Just as soon as my cat Spooky learns how to fly.  

Perhaps I'm being too cynical. I mean, according to the Times, Aetna, Humana, UnitedHealth and Wellpoint put out a proposal along these lines clear back in December, right after an election that ended an administration that cared far more about ending lives in the Middle East than saving them at home. They sure didn't seem to come up with many proposals during that administration though. Oops. There goes that cynicism again. Fine. They want savings? Let's see if we can find them some:

1) Eliminate Aetna, Humana, UnitedHealth and Wellpoint.  Replace them with a non-profit system. Savings: $7.5 billion dollars in profit these companies earned off the backs of the ill in 2008.

2) Pay drug companies the same rate for Medicare/Medicaid eligibles as they were being paid before Medicare Part D took over. Savings: $2 billion dollars a year. 

3) End the Medicare Advantage insanity. Savings: $5.2 billion dollars a year. 

Holy crap I just saved almost $15 billion dollars right off the top of my head. I am in a health care savings groove, but you ain't seen nothin' yet. Hang on:

4) Scrap the whole stupid system we have here and make a Xerox copy of Canada's. Savings: $1 trillion dollars. I'm not kidding you. Canada spends about 55% on health care per person compared to what we do. In 2007 we spent $2.4 trillion dollars on health care. Do the math. 

And for those of you who don't like Canada's health care system, I'll point out we could throw in a couple hundred billion dollars to improve it and still be spending a hell of a lot less than we do now. You're getting ripped off, sucker.

Of course the people doing the ripping off don't want you to know this, which is why they are acting like they wanna play nice all the sudden. After you punched them in the nose by electing someone who's threatening to stand up for you. 

See what happens when you punch them? Punch them again. When you hear their happy talk ask them where they've been since they last waxed publicly about their commitment to hold down costs. Which just happened to coincide with Hillary Clinton mounting a credible threat to break their backs. Punch them again. It's all they understand.

And for the love of God do not let the person you elected to stand up for you sit back down.