Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I Face Down A Danger Of Unknown Quantity Or Origin During My Lunch Break.

The test of my mettle came while I was on my way to Subway. I like to go to Subway for lunch because it's the only place in the mall where the Mexicans don't treat me like some sort of privileged White-God too good to make direct eye contact with. At Subway the Mexicans look at me and smile. I like that. But to get there I first had to overcome this:

Obviously there was danger between me and my meatball marinara. Danger that had evidently taken its toll on other unfortunates. That's why the mall's management took the step of reminding me to keep in mind safety first before I gave thought to going up three stairs. I evaluated the situation. 

First I would have to know just what danger I was up against. I inspected the concrete steps from a safe distance. Seeing no structural defects I approached, and looked for cracks, or perhaps some sort of spilled slick liquid. I found none. I briefly considered the possibility that the warning cone was placed there by mistake, until I noticed similar devices on two other staircases within view.  I remembered I have yet to prepare a will. I started to bargain with God to get me out of this staircase hell alive. 

"Just go up the ramp Drugmonkey!!" I said to myself. "It's not worth it! What are you trying to prove?" That's when the guy in the suit came along. The guy in the suit went down the ramp. Like some sort of girl. No. That was not going to be me. I approached the set of tri-stairs and put one foot above the other. Three times. I was now at the top, overcome with the rush of adrenaline and euphoria that comes only from daring to do what most of us fear. I climbed the stairs for the same reason Sir Edmund Hillary climbed Mt. Everest, because it was there. You probably wouldn't understand. 

I ordered double cheese on my sub to celebrate, and felt a renewed sense of manliness in my heart as I completed the day's prescriptions. 

Tomorrow I may not use the handrail. 

20 comments:

cupcake said...

this was exactly what i needed this morning, you snarky, snarky man.

midwest woman said...

was the view from the top breathaking?

Anonymous said...

"Just go up the ramp Drugmonkey!!" I said to myself. "It's not worth it! What are you trying to prove?

ROFL!!! I LOVE IT!! Keep up the awesome work

one hundred ninety-eight said...

And you ordered the same exact thing for dinner later that night, too.... :)

Well... did you use the handrail?

Jessica said...

You are now my hero.

Anonymous said...

Sitting here in the Midwest, I am far more disturbed by your sunshine and blue skies. Stop taunting us !!

annpharm said...

Please!! Use the handrail, we couldn't take it if you injured yourself and couldn't blog!!

Although if you merely twisted an ankle then you'd be forced to stay home and would have to blog more!!

jin said...

*giggle*

Johnny Newbill said...

This is brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Your reckless risk-taking is merely job security for some of us...keep it up!

Dragonfly said...

You deserve the extra cheese after living dangerously like that.

woolywoman said...

So, which antidepressant have you started?

akfnp said...

jesus, am i the only one who see's the man at the top of the stairs?? he's heading for water. high water!!!!!
thanks for always making me smile DM.

Lucky said...

Lunch break? You mean you actually get a *lunch break*? And get to have such exciting adventures *outside*? I'm clearly working for the wrong pharmacy....~jealous~

midwest woman said...

this is day 2 and I'm anxiuosly waiting...handrail or not?

DrugMonkey, Master of Pharmacy said...

Lucky,

In the wrong state. It's a California thing. Left over from a fight the UFCW fought when unions still had teeth.

It's amazing I know, but somehow, someway, all the prescriptions in California seem to get filled while all the pharmacists actually get to put something in their stomachs.

Remember me sitting at the Subway the next time someone starts talking shit about unions to you, k?

Anonymous said...

wait till it is really, really, really cold, then go and spray water on the ramp, even buff it up with a cloth if you have to once it freezes. just for kicks

arollerskatingjam said...

You little spitfire.

Utah Savage said...

You are a man among men. Did you plant a flag?

Anonymous said...

As I glance at the picture, I see you had to choose the lesser of two imminent dangers. One unknown but apparent and the other staring you down like he was ready to take you out...on a date.

I'm glad you took the stairs. Seem fishy to me, like a set up by the ramp man. He had wanted you to take the ramp--but, like always, there is no tricking Drug Monkey.