The Hour Is Getting Late. I Am Exhausted. But This Is A Story That Needs To Be Told.

If you're in Florida, and you'd like to have sex with a goat, you'd better hurry up, because the socialists that dominate that state's legislature seem to be hell-bent on taking that right away from you:

The act of bestiality is a step closer to becoming illegal in Florida now that a Senate committee voted to slap a third-degree felony charge on anyone who has sex with animals.

Florida is one of only 16 states that still permit bestiality -– a fact that animal-rights activist and Sunrise Sen. Nan Rich learned to her horror when a Panhandle man three years ago was suspected of accidentally asphyxiating a family goat with which he was copulating.

But the Mossy Head man suspected of assaulting Meg the Goat was never charged, because law enforcement officials could never link him to the crime scene. The suspect was arrested in a separate goat-abducting months later, said Walton County Assistant State Attorney Walter Parker.

OK, I gotta tell you. I would never fuck a goat. Have you ever seen a goat's eyes? Goats have creepy-ass looking eyes. Evil, devilish looking eyes. A total turn off. I seriously have to question this man's judgement when it comes to choosing an animal sex mate, even if he does have a Mossy Head. 

I also would now never have sex with Tina Fey, a woman I used to find quite attractive, because she would remind me too much of Sarah Palin. One thing Sarah Palin taught me during her run for the Vice-Presidency is that I do, in fact, have standards. 

But back to the goat fucking. "Drugmonkey" I can hear some of you saying. "Fucking a goat is weird, and kinda funny in a weird way, but you seem to be more of the type who is entertained by human cluelessness as opposed to dark sexual perversion." 

You would be right. 

Rich’s proposal was amended to target only those who derived or helped others derive “sexual gratification” from an animal. The amendment specified that conventional dog-judging contests and animal-husbandry practices are permissible.

That last provision tripped up Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.

“People are taking these animals as their husbands? What’s husbandry?” she asked. Some senators stifled their laughter as Chairman Charlie Dean explained that husbandry was the rearing and caring of animals.

Bullard didn’t get it.

“So that maybe have been the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?" Bullard asked, referring to a Connecticut case where a woman’s suburban chimpanzee want mad and was shot.

“I’m not familiar with that particular incident or case,” Dean said.

So......putting aside the fact that that question came not from one of my customers, but from a member of the State Senate of Florida, what if you're at a conventional dog-judging contest and you say something like "hey, that dog's got a nice ass?" Ambiguity abounds. I sense a Supreme Court case. The evil eyes of a goat may be the starting point of the destruction of the First Amendment my friends, and thereby the foundation of our very republic. You have been warned. 

And we haven't even gotten into why that lady was so upset about the monkey.