Sunday, August 19, 2007

"But Drugmonkey" I Can Hear You Saying, "Where Have All The Freaky Customers Been?"

Well don't you worry your pretty little head, there has been no shortage of freaky customers. Most nights I can drown their memory in scotch, but sometimes the memories learn to swim. The image of the extremely hygienic old woman about to have a talk with her granddaughter has learned to swim.....

She came to the counter and wanted a douche, and not just any douche would do. It had to have some sort of cockamamie acid preparation in it. This reminded me of the time in college when during a physiology lecture, right after the professor mentioned the normal pH of the vagina made it acidic, a voice came from the back of the room of a person thinking out loud and talking at a higher volume than intended......

"That's why it tastes like that." He said.

The old woman at the counter wasn't interested in any taste tests though. Seems her granddaughter had a yeast infection, and she had all the answers.

"IT'S BECAUSE THESE KIDS TODAY....THEY FOOL AROUND AND DON'T CLEAN THEMSELVES AFTERWARDS" She proudly proclaimed. "I KNOW....I USED TO WORK IN A PHARMACY AND IT WAS MY JOB TO MAKE THESE DOUCHES"

You know how sometimes you can be busy as hell for hours.......the phone ringing off the hook, people lined up to the front door, prescriptions coming in non stop via phone, fax, e-mail, passenger pigeon and telegraph.....and finally....finally.....it looks like you might get 5 minutes to take a piss.....and one person comes to the counter.....and you know you've lost your chance to urinate for the rest of the day? That was the deal with this old douche maker.

She wasn't looking for advice, she would settle for nothing less than an acid douche to present to her granddaughter along with a talk on post sex cleansing rituals. My job was to provide the acid along with any talking points I thought would be useful for the young lady.

You know how it went. I am under a professional obligation to tell anyone who asks that douching is not recommended in any way shape or form these days, that regular rinsing away of a woman's natural defenses can actually make an infection worse. You also know that this woman would not be happy with anything less than a vaginal sandblaster. She left angry, and I never got to piss. I was pretty annoyed with the whole situation until a tumblerful of scotch made me realize something just now:

It could have been worse. I could have been the granddaughter.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG, you are right! That poor girl!!

CrrlyGrrl said...

I can just imagine the granddaughter's horror. How awful...

Anonymous said...

The douchers are never happy when they learn they're making it worse. I do feel for you, DrugMonkey.... talking to old ladies about vaginas are bad enough without having to bring in their granddaughter's vaginas as well. =P

Anonymous said...

oh, God. I can just picture it.
Go drink more Scotch (think of it as a hygienic rinse for your brain. A nice refreshing brain douche.)
Here's the scary part.
I think I know what she was wanting.
Boric acid, used for cockroach control and also recurrent bacterial vaginosis. Occasionally even works, believe it or not. (For the BV, I mean, I don't know about the cockroaches.) Only it is usually just placed in a gel cap these days and inserted PV at hs for a given number of nights. (Again: for the BV. If you have PV cockroaches, you have a major problem.) Why? Well, probably because we're discouraging douching in general...

However, the fragile little flower's MD/NP/PA should be the one discussing it with her... as a sort of last ditch therapy. Not Granny Freshen at the counter while you're desperately trying to get some damn work done.

Hang in there, man, we're all cheering for you...

Natalie said...

this grandmother sounds like she's from the same school as the one we had a few weeks ago who used the term "crotch rot." no, i'm not kidding. and yes, she was god-awful old. and yes, i'm still working on a self-induced alcoholic coma.

woolywoman said...

Clearly the grandaughter is a morn, as evidenced by her telling the old bat that she had a yeast infection. Or the old lady is a compulsive underpants sniffer, which makes me want alcohol. I know a old hippie gyn who reccomends boric acid suppositories made with size o gelatin caps and boric acid. Can't comment on the effectiveness or advisability, but I think the bottle of boric acid says something about avoiding contact with mucous membranes....

Pharmer Mike said...

I do believe that the boric acid does work on cockroaches too... Although, I can't imagine how one gets a cockroach infested vagina! :-p

Anonymous said...

Damn!!! I think I got BV's/PV's or cockroaches--------------(nasty lil ratbastards) just reading this. And how did granny find out about the kid's BFD's(lol)....sniffing underpants??? Ewwwwwwwwww!!! Just reading this shit makes want to fill my bathtup full of Scotch and soak....wanna join me Drug Monkey?????
Heading out to liquor store...BRB!!!
Congaqween

Unknown said...

Dude, vaginal sandblaster???!!! Keep it up, maybe next time we can discuss dremel tools and genital warts...