WOONSOCKET, RI- In a major announcement seemingly sent simultaneously to every media outlet in the world, leading pharmacy operator CVS unveiled a bold decision unlike anything it or any other drugstore operator has tried in living memory.
Actually doing the right thing for once.
The operator of over 7,000 pharmacies and possible spawn of Satan announced it would phase out the sale of tobacco products in its stores over the next eight months, leading almost no one to ask "Why the hell was a company that claims to be a health care leader selling tobacco in the first place?"
Instead, the company that has, among other things, fought multiple accusations of Medicare/Medicaid fraud, violates the intent of the North Carolina Board of Pharmacy's labor standards with impunity, once dispensed multiple prescriptions written for children's flouride with an anti-cancer drug, and was caught employing a fake pharmacist when someone finally bothered to do a routine license check has been treated like it won the Nobel Peace Prize or something.
"You don't get a cookie for doing what you're supposed to do!!" comedian Chris Rock once said in his act. But evidently he was very wrong, as everyone from the AMA to anti-cancer groups to the president of the United States has lined up to present cookies of all flavors to the drug chain that recently finished tied for last place in Consumer Reports ranking of pharmacies.
Hopefully they were low fat cookies. Not the kind that CVS sells.
"This is a wonderful way to distract attention from the ways in which our company falls short......" said CVS President and CEO Larry Merlo before a lawyer started whispering in his ear. "I mean, I'm proud that we're able to finally set an example for ethical business practices and make those fuckers at Walgreen's look like schmucks....um....rather, and do the right thing."
"I'd like the word 'finally' struck from the record" the lawyer then added.
Asked if the company might now look for other ways in which it could actually do the right thing, Merlo was noncommittal, but did say, "This one is gonna cost us two billion dollars, so you can probably guess. Right now we'll just savor the fact we actually one time took into consideration the possibility that we might want to live up to the image we like to project."
"After all," he concluded, "that's a claim no other drug chain can make."