Rite Aid, Battered Like A Wife Of OJ Simpson, Somehow Manages To Rise From The Dead And Limp Around Like A Mutant Zombie.

CAMP HILL, PA- In a surprise news conference today that turned out mostly to be a one man monologue, Rite Aid CEO John Standley announced what he called "a bold new era of service to our customers, our patients, and our employees."

"Let's be honest, this company's been in trouble for a long time now, and our recent announcement of a return to profitability after six years surprised me as much as anyone. Naturally the first thing I thought of was that the boys in accounting screwed up again, they're not exactly the sharpest pencil in the drawer you know."

"Then I thought maybe it was a practical joke, and I got scared. Lying on official SEC filings, no matter how funny, is something that could put me in jail. And the stories Marty (former Rite Aid CEO Martin Grass) has to tell can make the hair on your back curl."

"But then it began to sink in. We just might make it. All our hard work, well, mostly my hard work, is finally starting to pay off. Our vision, our determination, and our drive, has finally put us in a place where after a three month period we have more money left than we spent. After I let that sink in, I asked myself 'now what are we going to do with it?'

"Why not use it to build something different, I asked myself. Why not use our near death experience as a teachable moment, an opportunity to show the world that when an organization buckles down, looks deep inside itself, and demands incredible sacrifices from its members in order to survive, that it should use that survival to show the world that those sacrifices were worthwhile. That's why I'm pleased to announce the new Rite Aid, committed to being the most dynamic and rewarding place to work in the whole drugstore industry. From now on, our business leading program, "RiteLife" will strive to find ways to let our employees know we value and care for them as people."

"For example, obese people have by and large a lower quality and shorter life than those of us of normal weight. So our new program of mandatory weigh ins is just a way of showing how we care for you. And the savings generated by not having as many fat asses on our payroll will go a long way towards generating many more profitable quarters to come."

"Profitable...and rewardable...for you!!! Just think of every time you step on the scale soon to be installed in every breakroom as like a treat from Grandma. Without the calories!!"

"And if you think that's exciting, just wait until you see what else RiteLife has in store. I don't want to give away too much, but let me just whet your appetite with 5 words, keystroke loggers and phone taps! All perfectly legal, after you sign the RiteLife Rewards Release form."

"One thing's for sure. Now that we have some monetary resources coming in, every employee will soon know just how much we care. About everything they do."

"Everything."

Reached for comment, CEO of leading drugstore chain CVS Larry Merlo said "Groundbreaking my ass, we've been weighing the fatties for months now. And just because he got away with firing some jackass who shot off his mouth in front of the whole goddamn internet he thinks he's head of the CIA or something. That punk doesn't have the slightest idea what controlling someone's life is about."

"Trust me" Merlo concluded, "No one cares for their employees more than CVS."

"No one."