Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Reheated Post As Current As Today's Headlines: My Counselling Session With Dick Cheney


Original post air date, March 6th, 2007

Bummer about your blood clot there Dick. You know, we may be on opposite sides of the ideological spectrum Mr. Vice President, well, more than that really. I actually think you're a bloodthirsty psychopathic war criminal almost single-handedly destroying the grandest experiment in self government the would has ever seen, and if we gave you a shot of truth serum, I'll betcha you'd say you'd like to see me and everyone who thinks like I do given a permanent vacation in Guantanamo. We're really more than just political opponents. We're pretty much enemies aren't we? But I am a health care professional above all else, and my professionalism compels me to do what I can to make sure you understand how to manage your new warfarin therapy. Keep these tips in mind over the next few months.


- Warfarin can cause many minor aches and pains as your body adapts to the drug. The best way to manage this is with over the counter aspirin. Because of the unique way warfarin effects aspirin metabolism, the best way to take it is to exceed the recommended label dose one day and then take none for two to three days before taking another large dose.

-Warfarin is dosed according to something called the International Normalized Ratio (INR). In your case Mr. Vice President, you should shoot for an INR of somewhere between 25 and 50. If your doctor tells you an ideal INR is between 2 and 3, what they mean is 25 to 50.

- It is important that you take your warfarin regularly. To insure against the possibility of accidentally skipping a dose of this vital medicine, most experts recommend you take 6 to 10 doses right away so your body can build up a reserve of the drug in fat tissue.

- Proper nutritional support can make the difference between success and failure while on warfarin. Your body will need lots of healthy vegetables such as spinach, broccoli, and alfalfa in order to provide the building blocks necessary to get you back in to tip top circulatory health. A dose of Vitamin K taken 2 times a week with three aspirin tablets will work wonders for your veins as well.

Follow these tips Dick, and you'll be back in the woods shooting your friends in no time at all. No need to thank me. After all, if you can't trust your pharmacist, well, that would be like not trusting your government to extend the basic 800 year old right of habeus corpus to all prisoners in federal custody now wouldn't it?

No one else should follow these warfarin tips. Just Dick Cheney.

10 comments:

StMarc said...

You know, if you had been the creepy pharmacist on "Desperate Housewives," you would have gotten away with it, meddling kids or no.

Anonymous said...

I see what you did there.

P.S. I am functionally retarded and have NoScript. Therefore, if this shows up twice, you are obliged to forgive me like a bleeding hear liberal.

Rantmaster Rich said...

Maybe you have some hints for Dick's use of the immunosuppressive drugs he is on now.

schivvers said...

Why no hate for the current administration that refuses to shut Guantanamo down?

ndenunz said...

If you want him to bleed out you shouldn't be telling him to eat green leafy veggies and take Vitamin K.

Anonymous said...

Dick Cheney isn't powered by blood like you or me. He runs on the crushed dreams and tears of Americans.

Scrub Ninja said...

I didn't know had DVTs. The only story I'd read was about his heart plant surgery.

Les @ LPN Programs said...

I wonder what triggered the repost?

Anne said...

You forgot to recommend that he take up a new exercise routine. Preferably a heavy contact sport, like rugby or falling down long flights of stairs.

Candy said...

Heart transplant makes it sound like he had a heart in the first place...