A Groundbreaking Accomplishment By The Hardworking Professionals At Pfizer.

CORPUS CHRISTI,  TX- Surprise was the order of the day at this year's conference of the American Secular Society for the Promotion and Advancement of Disease, as drug manufacturer Pfizer came away with the organization's annual award for excellence in the promotion of ill health in the American populace.

"I understand the award going to an organization that ostensibly dedicates itself to the cure and prevention of disease may at first appear to be quite shocking" said ASSPAD's President Carlos Hickman after the award ceremony, which is held every year in America's fattest city. "But with the publication of a new scientific study indicating that the company's smoking cessation drug, Chantix, may actually increase the risk of heart disease by 72 percent, the true genius of Pfizer becomes clear. Don't you see? People try to quit smoking to lower their risk of disease, and Pfizer has developed a strategy in which these wellness seekers can still end up dropping dead! It's brilliant!"

Hickman added that ASSPAD was particularly impressed by Pfizer's efforts to defend and continue to market Chantix in light of increasing evidence of the medication's link to "loss of consciousness, visual disturbances, suicides, violence, depression and worsening of diabetes."

"They're taking the groundbreaking work done by GSK with Avandia and really building on it" said Hickman, whose organization broke from the North American Disease Society in 1998 in a dispute over NADS' decision to recognize Jehovah Witnesses for their refusal to accept blood transfusions. "So far there is no indication that Chantix will end up in any kind of risk management program the way Avandia did. As a matter of fact, as far as we can tell, Pfizer is going ahead full bore with promotional efforts to sell as much of this med as possible. It's pure genius!!"

"Ask your doctor if Chantix is right for you!" he concluded "You could save up to $30 on your first prescription."

Past recipients of ASSPAD's excellence in disease promotion award have included trans fats, alcohol, Blue Cross and Blue Shield of New Mexico, and Keith Richards. When reached for comment, a spokesman for Pfizer said the award was reflective of the corporation's overall goal of "MONEY!!!!!! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE MONEY!!!!!!"

Disclaimer- Everything in this post is made up, except for the newly published study linking Chantix to heart disease, even in people with no previous history of cardiovasular problems. And the previous links to loss of consciousness, visual disturbances, suicides, violence, depression and worsening of diabetes. Those weren't made up either.