Highlights From Friday's Pill Counting Action.

"Yes.....I'm calling about the pills I got from the pharmacy.....it's really serious. They made my penis like 10 inches long and 6 inches wide and I just had sex with my wife and she's crying and it gets in my way when I'm working out and...

Uuuuuuhhhhhhhh!!!!....sorry...masturbating....

....anyway my friends like to pet it all the time and .....

Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh....masturbating again.....

....anyway I just wanted to thank you ....and tomorrow I'll be in to get some more. I'll be the one winking at you."

I wish I had a way of recording the voicemail. I know you'd appreciate it. The timing and delivery of the message actually took a little effort and talent, unlike so many other prank callers who get nervous and end up just rushing through it. I hung up thinking now that the slightly entertaining prank call barrier has been broken, perhaps someday I will get a halfway decent hate mail.

A clerk walked by on her way to the back and I overheeard her saying to a customer "Did you ever try to eat animal food when you were little? I used to all the time."

Yeah, it was definitely gonna be a highlights kinda day.

The morning was pretty much quiet except for the lady with the Cymbalta coupon card who raised holy hell when she was told it had expired. She whined and cried and bitched and moaned as if we were asking her to sacrifice her first born child. The situation was unjust, unfair, uncalled for and maybe even dangerous to her mental health. Despite this insult to her dignity, she would have her prescription filled, under protest mind you, and have it billed to her regular insurance.

Her copay was $0. That did nothing to change her perception of things.

On my way back from lunch I saw a man back into a woman's car and both of them get out to inspect the damage. The man declared to the lady whose car he just hit that  "you're not worth my time" and just drove off. It made me a little glad to know I'm not the only one who has to deal with assholes. It made me more glad to hand the lady the assholes license plate number. One of the nice things about pretending like I'm a real writer is that I always have a scratch pad and paper handy.

By the way, you read that correctly all you non-California retail pharmacists. I witnessed the accident on my way back from lunch. California pharmacists are required to have a lunch break thanks to a battle fought by the United Food and Commercial Workers union years ago. If you're not in California maybe you should give the UFCW a call. Unless you're on some starvation weight loss diet or something.

I was washing up before going back into the fray and noticed the "site" memo had been replaced again. It hangs in the breakroom and stresses the importance of keeping a clear "line of site" to deter shoplifters. Three times I have taken my ever handy pen, scratched out the error, replaced it with the correct "sight," and three times someone has made the effort to replace the defaced memo without changing the typo. That says it all about my employer really.

I was dealing with a woman who asked me to "go through my profile and delete the ones I'm not taking anymore, I think there are three or four of them" when I saw the little old man shuffle around the corner. He stopped at the endcap, started a little shuffle again, and slowly......slowly.....ever so slowly....leaned over a bit....then a bit more...then a little more...until he just kinda ended up on the floor. I ran out thinking I might have to wing some CPR or something and when I got to him he asked me where the garbage bags were. The little old guy literally shopped till he dropped and when he got there he was still thinking about how to spend his money. That is all American my friend.

The store manager asked me what a Brazilian wax was and  the look on the Assistant's face told me the manager was being pranked. I told the manager it was the gold standard in exterior car care.

My one professional function was to stop a Cipro prescription from being dispensed to a patient stable on warfarin. While I was waiting on hold to clear things up the customer comes to the counter with a bottle of Excedrin. I wanted to shove the Excedrin up this idiot's ass, but that probably would have led to catastrophic rectal bleeding. I remained calm and learned that saving someone's life can be extremely irritating.

I closed out the day by playing the prank voicemail for my supertech, who thought it was a call from a real customer. She started looking through patient's profiles to try to address the emergency. Now I love my supertech, but she obviously has a lot to learn about the ways of America. I went home, and she stayed after work to do some shopping, probably stopping long before she hit the floor.