My Friend Katie The Jewgirl Is Trying To Make A Professional Writer Out Of Me.

She's running a contest at her site, All The Way From Oy To Vey, which invites anyone who thinks they're good enough to guest blog something "outing McCunt for the cunt he really is, and defending the values Obama truly stands for"

So I took my shot. If I win, I get a dozen cupcakes from Jintrinsique, whom Katie assures the world is a divine baking Goddess, and I will no longer be able to say I've never received anything of value from my blog-gardening.

There were rules to make it interesting though. Katie is not the boring type who would run a simple essay contest. To play in this arena you had to:

1) Use the word "cunt" at least three times. Katie has a thing for the word cunt. I'm not sure why, but it's her contest and when in Rome I shall do as the Romans.

2) Invent three new words of your own. That's where the title of the post came from. For some reason I was really straining my brain to create three words.  

Anyway, you can take a look at what I came up with here, and you can vote for me by leaving a comment on the post. I hope you do. 'Cause I'm kinda hungry and the cupcakes look awesome.  

My Sad Suit.

The sad suit became mine when the words were purred softly into my ear. 

"You look wonderful"

The suit store, you see, had the most successful strategy ever for selling suits to men. A busty blonde in a micro-mini who dotes attention on you for the better part of an hour, then finally stands behind you in a mirror and tells you you look wonderful. That, my friends, is the way to sell a lot of suits. Once those words went into my ear, price became no object. 

Besides, I was buying the suit for a trip to Las Vegas. Land of debauchery and excess and a monument to the American principle of just letting go and feeling good for awhile. Vegas makes very few truly happy, but it makes people feel good by the millions, and it was my turn. I was gonna look good as well.

The trip to Vegas never happened, but I kept the suit, because it really did make me look good. I wore it today for the second time. When I put it on, I found the program from the other funeral. The suit born of my want of hedonistic pleasure has only come out when it is time to grieve. The irony. Man plans, God laughs. 

I don't blame the suit though. It doesn't know. Even though it is blue, which is appropriate, it's not the cause of the sadness that brings it out. As a matter of fact, I was kinda proud of the suit today. Someone was murdered. And in response, the suit was part of a demonstration of decency, of kindness and caring, of community and civility that no dirtbag has the power to destroy. The body of the dirtbag will someday rot away uncared for. Today though, I had an incredibly hard time trying to find a parking space in order to pay tribute to a good person. It says a lot about your life when your funeral can create a traffic jam, and on an overwhelmingly sad day, I've never been so happy to have to work so hard to park. Maybe we're not all doomed. 

Having said that though, I hope it's a good long time before I see the sad suit again. 

Dear Wall Street, Are You Proud Of Yourself Now?

Do you even remember that the numbers you play with all day long, that the games you play with those numbers all day long, long after you've put together all the numbers you need to put together to live out the remainder of your years in comfort, are built on the backs of real people? That when you squeeze those numbers and play your games, you're squeezing and playing and hurting real people?

Don't try to cry your crocodile tears and tell me you got hurt as well. You don't know what hurt is my Wall Street friends:

"And then I saw the blood" Careful you don't get any of that blood on your money Wall Street. Someone might think it's from one of those exploding dye packs banks use when they're being robbed. Once some of that dye gets on the money, you can't spend it anymore you know.

So do you even remember the numbers you play with are connected to real people, or do you just not care? My gut tells me it's the latter. I remember your type from college. Business school was the dustbin for failures who couldn't handle other majors, and Wall Street is the place for failures who can't handle basic humanity.

Enjoy my $700 billion. Seriously. Keep it. Because I never, ever, want to profit off of something like this, and I'm sure you're eager to show you see things differently.

Sincerely,

Me and a shitload of other taxpayers.

Once Again The Drugmonkey Sets The Tone For The Nation's Political Discourse.

Cut and pasted from a transcript of tonight's Vice Presidential debate:

BIDEN: So what you had is you had overwhelming "deregulation." You had actually the belief that Wall Street could self-regulate itself. And while Barack Obama was talking about reinstating those regulations, John on 20 different occasions in the previous year and a half called for more deregulation. As a matter of fact,  just the other day I was reading the blog of my good friend the Drugmonkey and found out John recently wrote an article in a major magazine saying that he wants to do for the health care industry deregulate it and let the free market move like he did for the banking industry.

Now The Drugmonkey and I have had our differences in the past. It was personally painful for me the way he made light of my attempt to protect the nation's children from the scourge of Robitussin DM, but I am honored to have his endorsement, and indebted to his work to get John McCain's reckless, clueless attitude towards deregulation of the banking and health care industries into the public eye."

The stuff in italics I made up. Made up to drive home the point that you get some damn fine journalism here my friends. You heard about McCain's stupid statement praising the success of banking deregulation here 4 days before Joe Biden told you. I just hope enough people start listening. To me.

You know what to do next month. 

A Tribute To The Original Keystone Tech. Or At Least My Original Keystone Tech.

When I first coined the term "keystone tech," I was hoping it might catch on, as everyone in the profession knows there is one in every pharmacy.  To be honest though, I had one very specific keystone tech in mind the first time I typed those words. The keystone tech who saved my ass. 

Some of you know when I moved to California I was making the transition from a small town Midwestern Rubeistan where everyone knew everyone and I filled 500 prescriptions a week with no fax machine and one phone line. Three thousand miles later, I had my first face to face meeting with a full scale corporate pharmacy meatgrinder. I was now tasked with getting 800 prescription orders out the door a day. Using software I had never seen before. My new employer thought 2 days should be long enough to bring me up to speed. Those of you in the profession can imagine how it went. I will never forget the feeling of realizing I had been a pharmacist for 8 years and I couldn't get this goddamned computer to do a refill. 

When I was done for the day I would go home to my apartment with no furniture and have all the time in the world to think about how I now had an ex-wife. Until it was time to get up again and try to figure out how to get the goddamned computer to do a refill. I can honestly say there were times when I wasn't so sure I wouldn't end up crawling back to Ohio to live in my Mom's basement. 

Except the original keystone tech wasn't about to give me that option. There were 800 fucking prescriptions to get out the door every day, and like it or not, I was gonna have to pull it together and get myself over a steep learning curve. Supportive, but never shy about threatening a kick in the ass, the original keystone tech drug my sorry ass over that curve and deposited me on the other side. I didn't kid myself, I knew it had nothing to do with her having any liking for little 'ol me, but I was damn glad the original keystone tech was there. There were prescriptions to get out the door. 

Eventually things got better, but I don't have to tell you in a corporate meatgrinder pharmacy things are never good. One day some corporate types from the home office came by on one of their periodic "we're showing the little people we care" visits. They asked the original keystone tech if there was anything they could do to help us do our job. The original keystone tech told them. In no uncertain terms. It was beautiful. The corporates called the store manager the next day and told them to suspend the keystone tech for a week, thereby proving that the best way to advance in the world of personnel management is to lose your testicles. I called the corporate office. Naturally I had to leave a message. I told them that if my keystone tech was suspended, than I would be taking the week off as well. I said that if I did not hear anything from them I would consider the decision reversed and we would both be at work the next morning. I never heard anything, as returning my call would have required functioning testicles on their part. I think the original keystone tech might have liked me a little after that. 

I'm writing this because I found out tonight my original keystone tech has died. Evidently it was a violent death, but that wasn't the point of her life. What the original keystone tech taught me, besides almost everything one needs to know about how to run a corporate pharmacy, was that a person never really knows the legacy they leave behind. Today I'm not shy about telling you I'm a damn good pharmacist. If you don't employ me, you should let out a loud cry of sorrow that you once had the chance to hire me but didn't. And if you agree that I'm a cut above your average pill pusher, if I ever helped you out of a jam, if you've ever read anything here that maybe helped you out a bit, well then, you understand what I mean when I say you never really know what impact your life will have on the world. 

Because there really was a time when I wasn't sure I was gonna make it. 

I'll miss her. 

    

Dear Every Pharmacy Student Sweating Out Exams Right Now. Working At Save Mart After You Graduate Will Make You Feel Really Good About Your Education.

Especially the physics classes you took. Because if you work at a Save Mart pharmacy after you graduate, evidently you will be expected to bend the laws of time and space. Or just not pay much attention to the prescriptions in front of you, one of the two:

Modesto, Calif., September 17, 2008 – Pharmacies at Save Mart stores now offer customers speed as well as accuracy. Effective today, their “19-Minute Promise” guarantees that they will fill up to three new prescriptions presented at their counters in 19 minutes or less. If the pharmacies fail to meet the mark, the customer receives dinner and a movie – a $10 Save Mart gift card and a coupon for a one-night redbox movie rental.

“Every pharmacy needs to fill every prescription accurately. Our pharmacies already provide excellent customer service, and now our 19-Minute Promise will ensure that we also deliver prescriptions quickly,” said Michele Snider, Senior Director of Pharmacy at Save Mart Supermarkets.

At a press conference that didn't actually happen, Ms. Snider was asked if the 19-minute guarantee was made possible by the addition of new technology, an increase in average store staff hours, or some combination of both. Her answer was a bout of hysterical laughter. 

"Why neither," she didn't say after 30 seconds. "The key to our new program was the realization that our pharmacies were actually filling customer prescriptions too accurately. Our legal department ran some numbers last month and decided we could afford an average of three malpractice suits per store per year. We have several stores that have not had a malpractice payout in over a decade, which coupled with a little 'outside the box' thinking really gives us an outstanding opportunity to distinguish ourselves from the competition." 

"If John McCain's malpractice reform proposal is ever enacted into law, we plan to change our guarantee time to ten minutes!" Snider never said. 

"There is another important plank that made this exciting new program possible" Snider added in my imagination, "and that's respect. Some of you may remember when Domino's Pizza ended its 30-minute pizza delivery guarantee due to concern over accidents. Well at Save Mart, we don't respect our pharmacists nearly that much. They're just a bunch of pill counting monkeys after all. If it weren't for the Board of Pharmacy and their outdated thoughts regarding licensure, we would happily replace each and every one of them with illegal Mexicans tomorrow."

"We also don't respect our customers very much. That's why we're doing something that will increase the chance they'll get the wrong medicine. Or something that will interact with another medicine we never really checked to make sure was the right thing." Snider never said but I wouldn't be surprised to find out she thinks. 

Now get back to your books pharmacy students, and work hard for the prestige a 19-minute prescription filling guarantee will give you. 

Or maybe you could just look into that Domino's job. 

Thanks to the alert readers who tipped me to the story.

It's A Good Thing I Ended My Vacation When I Did, Because I Have A Feeling You're Not Gonna Hear About This Anywhere Else.

This is an actual quote from an actual article written by John McCain for Contingencies, a journal of the American Academy of Actuaries. Seriously. I always tell you guys when I'm making stuff up, and I'm not making this up. It's at the top of the second column of the third page if you click on the link:

Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation

The emphasis was mine. Because I want to drive home the point that we totally want to copy what we've done over the last decade with the banking system. I'll explain if you really need me to.

Ever wonder why your bank's credit card operations are most likely located in Delaware or South Dakota? I mean, what the fuck is in South Dakota other than an in your face mountain carving taunting the Indians whose land we stole? And what the fuck is in Delaware at all? Minimal banking regulations, that's what. Setting up shop in states with the most lax banking regulations lets your bank put the financial rape on when you're a day late with your payment, advertise "fixed" interest rates that change as often as the CEO is up for a new pay package, and otherwise be on the cutting edge of finding new ways to give you the shaft. I'd love to get the shaft from my health plan the way credit cards give the shaft to people. That'd be awesome.

Not to mention deregulation of the banking industry has led to a little problem.......THE COLLAPSE OF THE BANKING SYSTEM!! JOHN MCCAIN USED THIS MODEL, WHICH WILL LEAVE THE TAXPAYERS OF THIS COUNTRY STUCK WITH A TAB OF $700,000,000,000, AS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT SHOULD BE DONE IN HEALTH CARE!!! JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ANYONE WHO WOULD VOTE FOR SOMEONE THAT PROPOSES SUCH A COCKAMAMIE IDEA?

Of course now McCain is backing away from the words he wrote the way someone who let out a smelly fart tries to make his way to the other side of a crowded cocktail party. But let there be no mistake, McCain let the fart. Make your decision as to what this says about his judgement. The fact he can't even make it to the bathroom to fart. Throw in the competence of his Vice-Presidential pick as well. Did you see the CBS interview? 



This woman is stoooooopid. Do the right thing in November.

In Case You Missed Friday's Debate

We're Against Cervical Cancer. When We Can Make Some Money Off Stopping It That Is. No Other Time Really.

    Lemmie ask you a question. Your answer will tell me a lot about what you do for a living. Let's say there's a disease that kills 274,000 women a year, 260 thousand of which are in the third world.  The disease is almost entirely preventable with routine medical care, which is precisely why almost everyone who dies from it is in a developing country.

   Now you have a vaccine for the disease. What do you do with it?

   You may think the right answer is to get the vaccine into the bodies of the people who are dying of the disease, and at first glance, it would seem that Merck, the maker of the cervical cancer vaccine Gardasil, would agree with you. This is what Merck says about themselves on their website:

Merck & Co., Inc. is a global research-driven pharmaceutical company dedicated to putting patients first. Established in 1891, Merck discovers, develops, manufactures and markets vaccines and medicines to address unmet medical needs. The company devotes extensive efforts to increase access to medicines through far-reaching programs that not only donate Merck medicines but help deliver them to the people who need them.

Those of you with business degrees though, and who work for Big Pharma in particular, understand full well "people who need them" means "people with money"

Whether they need them or not. 

Don't get me wrong. Cervical cancer is real and pretty scary. If you're in a place like Africa where your chances of ever seeing a doctor are pretty damn slim that is. If you're here in the land of the free™ (certain restrictions apply)  routine Pap smears will stop cervical cancer long before it gets to the scary stage. So what is Merck doing to get Gardasil to the people that need it?

A hell of a lot of lobbying to force girls in this country to get injected, that's what. 

“There was incredible pressure from industry and politics,” said Dr. Jon Abramson, a professor of pediatrics at Wake Forest University who was chairman of the committee of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that recommended the vaccine for all girls once they reached 11 or 12.

“Merck lobbied every opinion leader, women’s group, medical society, politicians, and went directly to the people — it created a sense of panic that says you have to have this vaccine now,” said Dr. Diane Harper, a professor of medicine at Dartmouth Medical School.

The result? 

In the United States, 41 states have passed or begun considering legislation on cervical cancer, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures, and 24 have considered proposals to mandate the vaccine for girls, generally in middle school.

Even the Bush Administration is in on the act:

BUSH ADMINISTRATION FORCING HPV VACCCINE ON IMMIGRANTS: In July, U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services quietly amended its list of required vaccinations for immigrants applying to become citizens. One of the newest requirements was Gardasil

Sooooo.......one more time.....95% of cervical cancer deaths happen OUTSIDE the western world. Meaning it would make more sense to require people LEAVING the US to get vaccinated, not people who are moving to a place where access to preventative care is routine. 

"What else is new Drugmonkey?" some of you might be saying. "The Bush administration has quite a track record of getting things exactly backwards, and science really isn't their strong point." I'll have to give you that. Many of the 41 states that have a sudden interest in cervical cancer though, are probably run by competent executives, which makes me think the $162 per dose of Gardasil, most of which goes straight into Merck's pocket, just might have something to do with this sudden awareness of what should be a medium to low priority disease. 

Meanwhile a girl in Africa just felt a weird pain.  Merck seems to have no interest in her. 

Once Again The New York Times Follows My Lead. And By "Follows My Lead" I Mean "Rips Me Off."

From Tuesday's New York Times Op-Ed Page:

Talk about a shock to the system. Has anyone bothered to notice the radical changes that John McCain and Sarah Palin are planning for the nation’s health insurance system?

Uh, yeah. Me. Like 3 months ago when I wrote about it here. 

New York Times, Tuesday:

For starters, the McCain health plan would treat employer-paid health benefits as income that employees would have to pay taxes on. "It means your employer is going to have to make an estimate on how much the employer is paying for health insurance on your behalf, and you are going to have to pay taxes on that money" 

Me, 3 months ago:

If you believe irony is the best medicine, than the McCain plan is for you. Why? Because it's actually a huge tax increase!.... I'll have to get a little wonky to explain how. Stay with me. First, McCain would end the tax break currently in place that lets you exclude the value of an employer-provided health care plan from your wages.

Wow. That just totally sounds like two different ways of saying the same thing. Except I said it first. And the guy who said it second gets paid a lot of money to type his words. And I type mine for free. And First.

Not that I'm bitter. Not that this is the first time the Times has taken their cues from me. I shall rise above it however, because there is a more important question. To quote one paragraph in the article that wasn't directly plagiarized from my work:

You may think this is a good move or a bad one — but it’s a monumental change in the way health coverage would be provided to scores of millions of Americans. Why not more attention?

Well duh. Because we haven't gotten to the bottom of the lipstick and pig issue yet. Not to mention moose field dressing.

So anyway, John McCain is proposing a huge tax increase to completely tear down the employer-based health-care system you probably rely on and replace it with something akin to the naked capitalism that served Lehman Brothers and AIG so well. I'd feel really secure if AIG was in charge of my health care right now. Especially if I were paying a lot more in taxes on top of AIG being in charge of my health care.

Not that you didn't already know this if you're one of my regular readers.  Look for the Associated Press to break the story sometime next month.