One More Time Before The Election, Just Because I Love This Picture So Goddamned Much

Oh man I'll miss this picture after Tuesday:

I mean, I hope I'll miss this picture after Tuesday. 

Because I hope, after Tuesday, these two men will be quickly forgotten.

This is the season of hope you know. Do the right thing in the voting booth my friends. 

My Local Corpro-Grocer Feels Your Pain In These Tough Economic Times

"My God Mabel, if we buy 42 cans of these Mixed Vegetables, it'll be like getting a free stamp!"

"You're right Clarence! Then we could finally write to Aunt Gertrude and ask for help with our impeding home foreclosure!!!"

"I can truly see why they call these offers Smart Savers®!! Happy days are here again!!"

Mabel and Clarence later died of carrot poisoning after eating their entire grocery bill savings in one sitting. 

No Matter The Result In November My Friends, You Can Be Sure Their Jihad Against Women Will Continue.

From the Washington Post:

CHANTILLY, Va. -- A new drug store at a Virginia strip mall is putting its faith in an unconventional business plan: No candy. No sodas. And no birth control. Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy is among at least seven pharmacies across the nation that are refusing as a matter of faith to sell contraceptives of any kind, even if a person has a prescription.

Here's my favorite part:

The drug store is the seventh in the country to be certified as not prescribing birth control by Pharmacists for Life International. The anti-abortion group estimates that perhaps hundreds of other pharmacies have similar policies, though they have not been certified.

Way to let the Jihadists get away with pulling something out of their ass to score propaganda points Washingon Post. I estimate that Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy has a policy of refilling Vicodin prescriptions early no questions asked, and I have as much evidence to back it up as you cite for your "hundreds of other pharmacies have similar policies" line. All you addicts in the DC area should totally check out Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy's early Vicodin refill policy.

Actually, I take it back. This is my favorite part:

On Tuesday, the pharmacy celebrated a blessing from Arlington Bishop Paul S. Loverde. While Divine Mercy Care is not affiliated with the Roman Catholic Church, it is guided by church teachings on sexuality.

Thanks for the heads up. I'll be sure to leave my nephew at home should I ever decide to check out the place, lest he be bent over the way so many alter boys who were being schooled in the Roman Catholic Church's teachings on sexuality have been bent over. The sheer chutzpah. Can someone tell me why the white, wrinkly, old men who lead the Roman Catholic Church have any....ANY credibility when it comes to teaching about sexuality??? 

I just now Googled Bishop Paul S Loverde. What a surprise:

A local Roman Catholic priest says he is being retaliated against by his bishop for providing evidence that three priests in separate incidents stole church collections, impregnated a married parishioner and collected homosexual pornography. The Rev. James R. Haley says he was suspended by Arlington Bishop Paul S. Loverde after blowing the whistle on the three priests in the Diocese of Arlington.

So, if you'd like your prescription filled at a place that's been blessed by a man who evidently thinks it's OK to have his underlings knock up your wife, then Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy may be for you. If, on the other hand, you would like to stay as far away as possible from people who would put their seed into your spouse, or at least do business where you will not be judged for engaging in acts billions of years of biology have programmed you to engage in, you can come see me. 

You should also see if Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy will refill your Vicodin early. 

Thanks to the multiple alert readers who tipped me to the story.

It May Take Me Awhile To Get Back Into The Blogging Swing Of Things, As Evidenced By This Snippet Of My Past Week

So I write this tonight my friends, on the brink of middle age. I can't deny it anymore. Thirty-nine times two is 78, and you can't really make a case that living to 78 isn't a full life. Middle age. The transition may be a little harder for me than most, as I have always been used to being the youngest. I have three older sisters you see, which tells you one thing. 

My parents must be really old. 

I just spent a week back home with my parents, and during that week my parents did what old people do. They sat and talked. They sat and talked with the television on in the background. My little old lady of a mother is all about the election wouldn't you know, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so the nights programming is Hardball, followed by Olbermann, followed by Rachel Maddow. After this gluttony of election news, finally, it's time for a change on the TV. 

Anderson Cooper. That's 4 solid hours of the politics my friends. I can now feel the pain of those of you who feel as if I may go a little long on the subject here. 

Mom: "Do you like him?"

Me: "He's OK. A little more straight edge than Olbermann, but not quite as entertaining. Depends on what you're in the mood for I guess."

Awkward silence. 

Television: "Sara Palin's clothes cost One-hundred and fifty thousand dollars!!!!!!!" 

Mom: "I hear he has ties to Vanderbilt money" This is said of course, in much the same way it would be if the Vanderbilts were our next door neighbors, or had some other intimate connection with our family. 

Awkward silence. 

Television: joe the plumber.....Joe The Plumber!!!...... JOE THE PLUMBER DOESN'T HAVE A LICENSE!!!!!!!!!

Awkward silence. 

Dad has been sitting in the corner through all of this. Dad's kind of a gruff, stoic guy. Finally he speaks. The words are directed towards me:

"Is that Cooper a homosexual?"

I know the answer of course, as I am now the portal into the world of all things homosexual, living as I do in California. 

This is how I spent my week. 

Don't get me wrong, I was glad to see the family again. I am also glad to be home.  

A Trip Back In Time, Both Financial And Physical

So I summoned up the courage to look at my 401k balance today, and I have decided I am very jealous of it. Because what I found, when I looked, is that my 401k stands at a point where it was pre 9/11,  pre (preventable) destruction of New Orleans, pre unnecessary preemptive war. It's like my 401k has decided to just wipe out the Bush years and start over. That's awesome. You have no idea how much I wish I could do that. I bet my 401k is really happy right now, and I'm happy for it, as it has gone back to a better time and place.

I'll be doing a bit of time travel as well tomorrow, as it's summer vacation time for me. That's what happens when you work with a pack of breeders. They beg for the actual summertime to take their vacation and you end up taking yours in October. Not that it matters, as I'm off to Ohioland and the heat of Ohioland is a bit oppressive in the summertime for someone acclimated to the California coast. 

Now when I say Ohioland I don't mean Cleveland, or Cincinnati, or Columbus, Ohio, or anyplace in the state where more than 3 people live within walking distance of each other. If you've been to Ohio, you've probably not been to the part of the state where I'll be spending the next week. It's back to my Appalachian roots my friends. There will be no Internet, there will be no cellphone coverage, the only concession to a post 70's world at my parent's homestead is caller ID, so if you're trying to stalk me, remember to block your number. 

In short, I'm going to vanish for awhile, the same way a good chunk of my 401k money has. The difference being you can count on me to return. Considering it's back in the era of Clinton, I guess I wouldn't blame my 401k money if it never does. 

Have a good week my friends. 

My Proposal To Save Two Hundred Thousand Of Your Taxpayer Dollars, As Well As A Lesson In Why White People Are Disliked By People Who Aren't White

It's not news to many of you that the Food and Drug Administration has had its problems. Some of you may even think it's not doing its job. Perhaps because you have the impression that the FDA is responsible for keeping bacteria that comes from poop out of our spinach. Or the hamburger we eat. You might even think the FDA should make sure impurities that might cause a fatal allergic reaction don't make it into the drugs we take.

Actually, you would be right. The FDA has done a pretty shitty job these last few years, and people are dead because of it. 

Don't despair though, as FDA has a solution to what ails it. As reported last month in The  Washington Post, FDA leaders decided to hire a contractor for a public relations campaign that would "create and foster a lasting positive public image of the agency for the American public" Cost to the taxpayers? $300,000.

Dear FDA, 

Here's how you can solve your public relations problem. Make sure:

1)  Poop and food are kept separate. 

2) People don't put crap in our food and drugs that isn't supposed to be there. 

I think you'll be quite pleased that I met your PR needs at a significant savings to your original proposal. Enclosed please find my invoice for $100,000.

Sincerely, 

Drugmonkey

Except we all know I never had a chance at winning this contract. Because even if I were as qualified as the person who got the deal, I don't have a golf buddy or someone I went to college with who ended up working in procurement deep inside the dark underbelly of governmental bureaucracy. Passing along government work to your (lilly white) friends has been a time honored tradition since long before the Drugmonkey took his first breath. 

"Drugmonkey, shut up" some of you are saying. "There are laws that require competitive bidding on federal contracts, with specific exceptions for work awarded to minority-owned firms! We overpay the minorities and make them not try as hard to get work! It's the white people that are getting the shaft!"

And if you're saying that, you're white. Because if you're a minority you know this is how those non-competitive minority set-asides work in the real world:

the F.D.A. official taxed with the image problem already had a friend at a Washington public relations firm picked out for the plum.

The solution, contrived through bureaucratic sleight of hand, adds a whole new facet to the agency’s image problem. The F.D.A. circumvented the competitive bidding process by choosing a minority contractor not subject to low-bid regulations. That “prime contractor” was then supposed to hand the deal off to the preferred Washington firm as a subcontractor.

So, one lucky minority gets a little sugar, but overall, whitey wins again. Don't believe me? Here's a picture of the bigwigs at the firm, Qorvis Communications, that was scheduled to end up with the no-bid minority set aside cash. 

In this case however, they didn't. Because the FDA was shocked, just shocked, to find out about this once The Washington Post ran the story. Don't kid yourself though. I have a feeling most $300,000 contracts aren't getting this level of scrutiny by curious reporters. Or anyone else.

Amazingly, it's never the white trash who are able to see things like this.  The well-connected golf playing people of privilege are incredibly effective at convincing the white trash that it's the minorities that get the unfair advantages in today's society. Spend a little time thinking about this the next time you wonder why that black man you see on the street is so angry. 

Maybe you can ponder it over a little spinach.

Find-a-pharmacist-recruiter.com. Because Your Job Sucks As Much As John McCain's Health Plan

Maybe not quite as much. I mean you do get paid at your current job I'm assuming. Unlike John McCain's health plan. Which would destroy the incentives for your employer to provide health insurance as a benefit and instead give you a $2500 tax credit to help you buy something that costs an average of $12,000. 

Oh, and the tax credit wouldn't go up. Even though the cost of health insurance most assuredly would. Every year. 

So while your job probably doesn't actually take money away from you the way John McCain's health plan would, you and I both know your job sucks. 

You can't piss when you need to. 

You've forgotten that coffee isn't usually served at room temperature. 

You went to college for 6 years and you just spent 10 minutes ringing up some lady's candy corn.

By the way, what's taking you so long to fill my prescription? I dropped it off 5 minutes ago for Christ sakes. 

You don't have to take it though. On November 4th, you can reject John McCain's sucky health plan in favor of one whose emphasis is on making healthcare universally available and affordable, and you can reject your sucky job right now. Quit ringing out that fat diabetic's Ho-Ho's and go hook up with a pharmacist recruiter at  www.find-a-pharmacist-recruiter.com. Tell them agreeing to become one of my blog garden's sponsors was the smartest move they ever made. Because it delivered an ass-kicking pharmacist looking for a job that doesn't suck right to their doorstep. 

Then start looking forward to being able to go to the bathroom at work whenever you actually have to go. 

And now back to our regular programming.....

The Discount Pricing Program From The Pharmacy That Makes It Personal.

CAMP HILL, Pa. - Rite Aid Corp., the nation's third largest drug store chain, today claimed success for its "making stock affordable for the people" program, which took the industry by surprise when it was launched 15 months ago. 

"Rite Aid has always been known for low prices every day" said CEO Mary Sammons with a straight face. "But with the phenomenal success of our stock discount program, we've taken a big step towards making corporate ownership, not just shampoo and medicine, affordable for everyone."

In East Los Angeles, José Lopez is using the Rite Aid program to help him take his shot at the American Dream. 

"When I first came to this country, I only hoped to find work so I could send some money home to my Mother and cousin" said Lopez, a day laborer and part time landscaper found most mornings outside the Home Depot on Wilshire Blvd. "Now, with what I earn at the end of most days I can buy part of this giant drugstore. I hope someday to own enough of it to be given a golden parachute like the businessmen I hear about on TV. "

As of Friday, Lopez held a 15% stake in the company. 

Morgan Stanley analyst Barney Weismann said that unlike the products sold in its stores, shares of Rite Aid Stock really are cheap. 

"They certainly were ahead of the curve in aggressively driving down the price of their stock" said Weismann. "The idea has really caught on of late, not only in the drugstore industry but across the entire business world. Rite Aid took the lead in discount stock pricing, and no one has really managed to catch up."

"Catch up and stay in business" he quickly added. 

The program suffered a major setback last month when Rite Aid shares were pulled from the shelves of several major dollar store chains as being "too cheap for even us to sell," nevertheless, Ms. Sammons extolled the virtues of value stock pricing. 

"I think it's an opportunity anyone who still has any money left should take advantage of" said Sammons, her voice slightly quivering. "Please....I'm begging you...take advantage.....before it's too late."

Sammons then started to weep softly. 

Disclaimer- Everything in this post is made up, except for the incredibly low price of Rite Aid stock, which closed at 55 cents a share on Friday. 

 

I've Mentioned This Before, But Why Do Men Think Calling Themselves "Dick" Makes You More Likely To Vote For Them?

I mean, seriously, with all hell breaking loose in the economy the way it's been of late, wouldn't you think people would more likely want to associate with someone named Rich? I can't imagine any circumstances in which being a male sexual organ would be preferable to being wealthy. You ever take a good look at a penis? They ain't attractive. 

Yet there is a candidate on my ballot this election by the name of Dick Searle. I'll tell you what Dick Searle is. Dick Searle is the name of a venereal disease, not that of a public officeholder. 

What the hell. Maybe I'll just vote for him so I can make Dick Searle jokes for the next 4 years. 

In other election news, I found out today Alan Keyes is running for president again! If you are a right wing lunatic or hard core Michael Moore fan, you may already know who Alan Keyes is. For the rest of you, I'll let you know Alan Keyes is responsible for what may be the single funniest moment in the history of television, the presidential mosh pit of 2000. I almost suffocated the first time I saw the presidential mosh pit because I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. 

As much as I would normally value the endorsement of my favorite filmmaker, I think I'm still going with Barack. 

I hope I never get a case of Dick Searle. 

On this 27th Day Before The Election, A Startling Revelation Regarding Republican Senator Norm Coleman Of Minnesota.

Regular readers of this blog already know that United States Senator Norm Coleman has never denied being a member of Al-Qaeda. I once even wrote his campaign directly and posed the question in unambiguous terms, and Norm Coleman still refused to issue a simple denial that he is a member of the world's most deadly terrorist organization. Evidently Norm Coleman prefers to keep any possible links between himself and Al-Qaeda obscured under a cloak of ambiguity. Frightening considering the high position of public trust he currently holds, but my friends, it gets worse. Norm Coleman claims to be in favor of traditional family values, but look at this picture. It has not been photoshopped in any way:

The man pictured here with Norm Coleman is Harry Flynn, former Roman Catholic Archbishop of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. I'll leave it to you to judge the exact implications of this photograph, but one thing is clear. Norm Coleman thought it appropriate to pal around with one of the leaders of an organization that has paid out almost a billion dollars as compensation to the victims of child rape at the hands of its members. Is child rape Norm Coleman's idea of a family value? I think it's a question the people of Minnesota deserve to have answered. 

One thing is for sure. I can say with 100% confidence that Norm Coleman's opponent, Al Franken, is neither a terrorist or a child molester. I wish I could say the same of the Senator, but his strange silence and choices of whom to associate with in public drives my confidence level down to around 90 to 95 percent, and if there is even a 5% chance that your Senator is plotting a 9/11 style attack on the country or has eyes for your son, I think we can all agree that that Senator does not deserve to be re-elected. 

Norm Coleman. Wrong on membership in Al-Qaeda. Wrong on associating with the leaders of organizations responsible for covering up child rape. Wrong for Minnesota.