Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dear Caremark

Here's a fucking idea Einsteins.

Instead of suggesting that I am taxing your poor little delicate corporate soul by daring to call for assistance during what you say is one of your "peak hours," how about maybe.....and this may sound a little radical for you so hang with me here.....

....scheduling more of your employees to work during these peak hours, in order to be better able to handle the increased number of calls you know you will receive? I know it sounds like crazy talk, but your whole business was built upon the assumption that health care providers would be eager to sign contracts that would pay them less money than they were currently making, which must have sounded pretty crazy itself back in the day.

I mean, it's no secret when these peak hours are, you've already figured them out and don't hesitate to tell me while I am on hold. Endlessly on hold.

You may wonder where this stroke of out of the box thinking came from, where a train of thought so fundamentally different from the thoughts used to guide your decisions until now could have possibly originated. I'll be happy to share. It came to me when I asked myself what my customers would say to me if I said that maybe they should come back during one of my "non peak hours." They'd tell me to fuck off and die, that's what they'd do.

So I guess I'm just a little confused as to why you shouldn't fuck off and die as well.

And by the way, if you are constantly experiencing "call volume that is heavier than normal" it may be time to re-adjust your definition of normal.

Just sayin'

Fuckers.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

http://www.someecards.com/upload/most_popular/its_tragic_that_you_had_to_deal.html

Anonymous said...

you said you were hungry and sleepy - forgot to mention miserable and cranky. or is that a given? ha!

the term "fuckers" brings me such great joy. i am going to use it today, in your honor. maybe twice.

as you can see, i'm back to being your biggest "fan". daily blog-checks are back in the routine. now keep 'em coming!

Cracked Pestle said...

I'd go nuts if I had to deal with third party payors. Absolutely ape-shit nuts. I don't know how you retail guys do it.
I'm working this weekend, too, DM. Except I'm getting time-and-a-half.

Anonymous said...

Did you get the answer of "Please refer the patient to their benefits coordinator?" from the helpful Caremark representative?
That's always time well spent!!

Pharmer Mike said...

Amen! I think that they should change their name to "Couldn't-fuckin'-care-less-mark"... And their new phone number? You guessed it! 1-800-FUCKERS

Maybe we should tell the patients that their insurance suggests that we call back during non-peak, more-normal call volume times. Therefore, they'll need to come back after our non-peak, hot-lunch time. Wait, they'll need to come back an hour after that since we'll be on the phone with the newly-caught-up insurance service desk. Unless of course this becomes the new high-peak, high-volume time since we've all waited to call. In which case, the patient will now have to wait until..... Oh fuck it! Hey lady, just get this mail order, would ya'?!

Gerbil said...

Sometimes I think "we are experiencing heavier-than-normal call volume; please try your call again later" is code for "all representatives are currently busy having a beer."

I once told a benefits rep (not at Caremark) during a supposed period of high call volume that no, I would not accept a call back within 24 hours because I'd already accepted such an offer twice and they still hadn't produced an authorization for the correct provider--whom I'd already begun seeing in the meantime. She agreed to help me just this once, but she was not pleased about it.

Anonymous said...

Ah, the smell of retail. This is one of the main reasons I left last year. (The main reason being dealing with idiot customers)

Where I work now (long-term care) we have gals in the Billing department who make all those phone calls for us. They find formulary alternatives, get PA's, figure out when refill-too-soon's can get filled, etc...

I wonder if Googling Caremark will bring up your post!

Charlie said...

Which Caremark did you call? The classic big 3 (CRK/610029, PCS/610415, ADV/004336) are *usually* okay in my experience. It's those old CVS/PharmaCare ones you gotta watch out for.

At least they're honest. There are still people out there who pick up immediately after the greeting about delays due to the "new Medicare Part D prescription drug plans."

And regarding that helpful answer, "please tell the patient to contact their benefits office," that really is the best answer. If Joe Smith's HR has done a poor job on plan education, that's their fault, not mine. I hate calling Caremark for, "Mary Jones wants to know what her deductible is. She's indignant she doesn't have one." Let's see dear, today if January 3rd, and your copay jumped from $15 to $86 for one prescription, $5 to $19 for the next, and $5 or $15 for everything else just like it's supposed to be. You think?! Happens each new year.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post. I just cannot seem to bring myself to drop the f bomb in my blog, but the sentiment is the same. I hate them all.
Thanks for the laugh!

pharmacy chick

Anonymous said...

Oh my... I need to send this letter to about a dozen businesses. It is SO spot on!
Thanks!

KC said...

Beautiful choice of words to capture the level of your-horrid-lives-are-not-my-fucking-problem,calljerry! that anyone working in retail experiences daily. Additional props for, you know, not literally going out of your way to let them eat shit and die. You are a pharmacist. You do actually have the ability to help the world with its number one problem, by simply re-interpreting a small part of your HIPAA oath. Not doing this must require either a benevolently evil master plan, constant prayers for the apocolypse, or having pawned your soul to pay back loans.