Al Franken Is A Selfish Bastard

So this is it Al? After 3 years together you're just going to walk out? You get some cockamamie idea about running for one of Minnesota's United States Senate seats .........and you just want to throw everything away?........what about us?!!! You selfish......egotisical.....meglomaniac..... and making your last show on Valentine's day. Why not just throw my heart down the garbage disposal?

Remember Reno Al? The day after the 2004 presidential election? I woke up sometime that morning after a textbook binge drinking session on election night and heard your voice. I remember your words that day as if they were spoken 5 minutes ago:

It's Wednesday, November 3rd, and The Al Franken Show is on the air. First, the good news: Ralph Nader did not swing a single state. As for the bad news, that's why we invented the Oy Yoy Yoy show. Joining us for wailing and gnashing of teeth, we've got New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, New York Observer writer Joe Conason, and American Enterprise Institute resident scholar Norm Orenstein. We're putting the gallows back in gallows humor--as The Al Franken Show starts......now.

I listened, managed a smile and felt a little better, until the hangover started shortly thereafter and I headed back downstairs to open the hotel bar. We'll always have Reno.

What am I supposed to do without your hate e-mail of the day? The people that read this blog can't write a decent hate e-mail to save their lives.

You know what? If you're gonna be this way.......if this is what you want, then go. JUST GO GODDAMMIT! I never want to see you again......do you understand? Never!!!!!........sob......sob....sniff.....

Al........ wait.......one more thing......before you head out that door.........

Be a good Senator..........

Best. Invention. Ever.

I can't believe this one got by me for so long........

I've written before about the pure sex appeal that is a woman in a burka. If Big Pharma ever sends you on a mission to catch the Drugmonkey in a compromising position the way General Motors tried to do with Ralph Nader, bring a burka. I will not be able to resist. Now we have this, from a January 16th AP story:

What do you get when you cross Australian beach culture with a desire to remain clothed in a way acceptable to Muslim women? If you're designer Aheda Zanetti, you get what she says is the world's first two-piece Islamic swimsuit, the burkini.

While other Islamic swimsuits exist, Zanetti says her light-weight, head-to-ankle costumes are the first to be streamlined down to a two-piece suit incorporating a head covering.

With Australian beaches full of girls in skimpy bikinis and revealing one-pieces, there was a "hole in the market that needed to be filled" for more modest beachwear, she said.

A hole in the market that needed to be filled......Yeah....I hear what you're saying. Jesus I'm hot just thinking about it. A surprise package not only when I'm doing my shopping at the market but when I'm by the ocean as well. My God every freaking day can be Christmas if only Islamic fashions would catch on.

So three cheers for the burkini. Or to put it another way......Giggidy giggity giggity........

My Employer Has Found A New Way To Crush My Soul, Or I Have Taken The Last Short Step To Becoming Completely Insane. One Of The Two.

The flood that brought back the pain happened about mid-piss, and it had nothing to do with kidney stones. It was a flood of memories, and it was triggered by the fact that the bathroom had finally been cleaned. You see, it would seem my employer has changed the mixture of chemicals they use to sanitize the little boys room, and those that they now use, and I swear I am not making this up, smell a lot like the perfume an ex-girlfriend of mine used to wear.

An ex-girlfriend whose association with me did not end well. At all. Actually it was OK for her, but kinda bad for me. I'm over it now though.

Twitch.....twitch.....why are you looking at me like that? You've never seen a man chug scotch out of a bottle before? Totally over her......shake.....twitch.....

So half my brain was dealing with the memory flood, and the other half was determining it was highly implausible that this woman had ever spritzed a little bathroom cleaner on her pulse points before going out for the evening. This led me to the only logical conclusion possible:

My employer has specifically formulated the scent of it's disinfectant to further their goal of breaking me.

The good news is that the infrequency of their bathroom cleaning and the fact I get fewer and fewer chances to take advantage of the facilities amongst the ever increasing crush of pill seeking barbarians will work against their plan. I fully expect in the near future though, they will hire my ex-wife as a pharmacy tech and my alcoholic Dad as perhaps the store manager. My theory is that it saves them money somehow if they can drive me to suicide instead of just firing me or hiring a contract killer.

I only hope the drive will be a short one.

On This Day Of National Protest, My Favorite Anti-War Tune

....which actually points out a very good reason I should be in favor of Mr. Bush's little Iraq adventure. Oh the irony. If you raised your voice today, the Drugmonkey salutes you. Check out Hard On For War on Drugmonkey radio.

Tonight's Moment Of Senatorial Irony.

From a speech given on the floor of the United States Senate Wednesday by 2004 Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry:

I've concluded that this isn't the time for me to mount a presidential campaign. It is the time to put my energy to work as part of the majority in the Senate, to do all I can to end this war *

Unlike when I was part of the minority in the Senate, when I voted to authorize this very war, unlike in 2003, when I cosponsored a resolution that not only declared this war "lawful and fully authorized" but also commended and supported "the efforts and leadership of the President, as Commander in Chief, in the conflict against Iraq," and unlike when I did run for president, against the man who actually started the war, the same man I commended and supported the year before, when I really did a lot less than I could of to stop or even speak out against this war. I vow from this moment on, to do all I can to undo the consequences of what I was a part of, for as long as the polls say it's a popular thing to do.**

Sometime between 1971 and 2002 a man decorated multiple times for bravery on the battlefield lost his spine and the willingness to lead. The sad part is this sellout would have been a vast improvement over what we have in the Oval Office at the moment.

We can do better. Let's get it right next time.

*words actually said by John Kerry

**words actually said by John Kerry in my imagination

Real Questions Get Real Answers, Crazy Questions Get Crazy Answers

"IS THIS FROM THE HOUSE OF GOD?????" He said as he put the box of Pepto-Bismol on the counter. The look in his eye wasn't quite right, he was wearing pajama bottoms and a t-shirt with a dinner-plate sized hole in the front. He was crazy. I don't mean stupid customer crazy, I mean doesn't know what planet he's on crazy.

I was in the 11th hour or a 12 hour shift and wasn't in the mood. During the 10th to 12th hours of a shift it's perfectly acceptable to fuck with crazy people.

"Third Presbyterian pew" I said, after sizing him up and determining his level of craziness. This was met with 10 seconds of intense silence.

"WHERE'S THE PRIMATINE MIST??????"

"Aisle three on the right, bottom shelf"

I'll be damned if the crazy dude didn't go right to the Primatine Mist, in stark contrast to every mentally healthy customer who's ever asked me where something is. Perhaps an unknown symptom of schizophrenia is the ability to follow directions, or maybe he was just having a really severe asthma attack that was shutting off oxygen to his brain and wasn't crazy at all.

He left the Pepto on the counter

Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action.

Actual Conversation With An Actual Customer:

Customer: Can I take my Amoxicillin with food?

Me: It won't affect how the medicine works one way or another.

When I am 87 years old and in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease, unaware of who or where I am, whisper softly in my ear "Should I take my Amoxicillin with food?" and I will mindlessly, monotonically, say "It won't affect how the medicine works one way or the other" That's how deeply the endless workday repetitions will have driven themselves into my brain.

Customer: "But what about my feelings?"

Me, thinking that I must not have been listening to the customer and had missed part of the conversation: "Excuse me?"

It will shock some of you to know that I am not the best of listeners at times.

Customer: "If I feel that the Amoxicillin will work better with food, then it will work better with food, right?"

Me: "No, it won't make a difference either way"

Customer: "Well I'm taking it with food"

Thanks for letting me know.....

Later a husband and wife dropped off a prescription for each of them. His was for Viagra. Hers was for Ambien, the wildly popular sleeping pill. Write your own joke here.........

And at the peak of bat-shit crazy busy time, a woman waited in line for 10 minutes, with a child maybe 3 years old screaming at the top of it's lungs, .....10 minutes of deafening child noise for her and everyone within a mile radius, so she could get to the cash register...........

.....and ask if we had any free calendars. There was particular emphasis on the word free. Of course the whole thing was shouted at a decibel level above that of the kid who was being given no incentive positive or negative to shut the fuck up, but yeah, free was the most important feature of her desired calendar.

There were no free calendars. From what I could tell the quest for one was the entire purpose of the woman's visit.

Release the scotch.......

I Figured Out How To Disable The Autoplay. Everybody Wins.

So 4 days into it, some people seemed to like the blog music, and some people didn't seem to like it so much. Actually some people really.......really hated it. I understood the pain of those that gave a thumbs down, and was ready to scrap the whole idea this afternoon.

Then I noticed in the HTML code what looked like a way to disable the autostart feature. Long story short, you now have to click on the "play" button to start the tunes. I can still share the story of the detachable penis with the world, but you will no longer be forced to hear it. I am nothing if not pro-choice, so this development makes me very happy. To celebrate, tonight I added a new track. Enjoy "Touch Me I'm Sick," but only if you choose to.

A Pathetic Plea To Lisa Gill, Editor, Retail Pharmacy Management

Hi Lisa, or should I call you Ms. Gill? I wouldn't want us to get off on the wrong foot....

First, I would like to thank you for taking the time to regularly send a copy of your publication, Retail Pharmacy Management, to my employer. It makes the 5 minutes I spend trying to eat half a sandwich while gulping down flat soda among the most enjoyable of my workday. Your publication isn't bad as far as the trade magazines go, but as an old baseball coach of mine once said, "The day you stop trying to get better is the day you start to become worse." I think you share this commitment to continual improvement, which is why I am writing you today with a modest proposal.

Take a look around my little blog garden here Ms. Gill. I don't want to sound immodest, but I think you will see I know my way around the English language. I can weave words into sentences into paragraphs into stories that can capture the attention of potential readers who are wandering by and make them stop, look, and read. If you click on the category "An Insiders View Of The Profession" you'll see I also have done some amateur pseudo-journalism, albeit with sources that are in the public domain. Imagine what I could do with the power of an organization such as Retail Pharmacy Management at my disposal. While my writing here may be a bit, shall we say, advocacy oriented, let me assure you that I have many years of experience in selling my soul to toe the corporate line once paychecks start showing up in my checking account. Or perhaps you like my current writing style and could see me as a younger, hipper, version of Drug Topics columnist Jim Plagakis. With me on your team Ms. Gill, we could totally take down those Drug Topics bastards and become the undisputed leader of the pharmacy trade publication world.

I would also point out that I do all my own copy editing here, and the dearth of typographical or grammatical errors on these pages shows you could be getting the value of two employees with only one hire.

Before you make your decision Ms. Gill, I would like to point out the most important characteristic I would bring to your organization. To do this, I am going to look intently into your eyes, so you will know that I am sincere:




I am a team player Ms. Gill, and I know the value of not rocking the boat so that the organization can move forward. Once a decision has been made, doing something like complaining about possible sexual harassment goes against the very core of my moral values. I would never complain about sexual harassment. You should also not underestimate how my eagerness, actually, desperation might not be too strong a word, to start a new career could benefit you and Retail Pharmacy Management. I would do anything to be a part of your team.

Anything.........

I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Drugmonkey

People Who Can't Talk Their Doctors Into Giving Them Enough Vicodin Sure Don't Seem To Like Me Very Much.

So it seems like yours truly has been quite the hot topic of conversation over at drugbuyers.com. For those of you not familiar with the site, the url is pretty self explanatory. It's a series of message boards where people who just can't get enough narcotics locally can hook up with prestigious pain-management professionals such as youronlinedoctor.com, doctor-scripts.com, apainsolution.com, and yourpainmanagement.com. Somehow the Mayo Clinic seems not to be mentioned anywhere. Some sort of oversight I'm sure, as it is obvious this is the place to find the kind of top-notch medical care you just can't get with a real doctor, with a real license, and a real office. Someone who really likes to take narcotics for no other reason than the buzz, or because it keeps the bugs off their skin, would have no use for such a site.

Evidently one of the drugbuyers had their little feelings hurt by things I've written here and started a forum amongst the other drugbuyers. This did nothing to deflate my already massive ego. Here are some of my favorite comments:

WOW!!! Did you read through this nut jobs blog? This guy is not only seriously disturbed, but apparently also battles alcoholism. I can't believe this guy is allowed to handle pills, nonetheless dispense them!

Awesome! I have never heard anyone accuse Al Franken of being an alcoholic. Why can't you people write me hate mail like this? Do you have to have opiates staturating your bloodstream to really get the vile a flowin' ? Or do you have to be a pot calling a kettle black?

Nut jobs in every profession. Though this guy sure seems dangerous. Its types like this that we should put on watch lists.

Sweet! I'm a seriously disturbed dangerous alcoholic that you better keep an eye on at all times! Talk about pumping up your ego.... Back off if you see me a comin' bitch......I'm crazy I tell ya....

A couple more that those in the profession will just find funny:

Ive worked as a tech and am actually going back to school to get certified.. Ive never heard any pharmacist talk like that

I believe that as much as I believe drugbuyers.com is used only for legitimate medical purposes.

Hopefully I don't get stuck with this guy after I am done with school.They cant ALL hate their jobs this bad,can they?

You are in for an education my friend. It'll start the day school is done.

Go over and read their board if you must, but please, don't start a pointless flame war. I would much rather turn the wrath of the drugmonkey army loose on those that are truly evil, like Republicans. Remember these people are doing us a favor by getting their fix through the mail, as opposed to endangering our licenses with bullshit reasons why they need that early Soma refill.

Plus they gave me the nicest compliments I've had in years.