It's My Artificial Self's Birthday, And You Get The Present.

One year ago today I formed my corporation and took the first step away from corporate servitude.

What better way to celebrate my independence than to spread the word of what my last life was like. Because I gotta tell you my friends, since I got away from the chains it feels like I've been born again.

Anyway, to celebrate, the Kindle version of my awesome first book is half price through 11:00 P.M. Pacific Time, March 14th.

Go here to get your bargain book, and immerse yourself in the world I've left behind.

Here's The Thing. This Isn't The Most Ridiculous Thing I Put Up With During The Workday. Not Even Close.

I put in the pen for scale. Just remember, in someone's mind this made perfect sense.

I Explain The Country's Continuing Race Problem In A Way Even A Numbnut Should Be Able To Understand.

Oh man I can hear it now. I just admitted the existence of a race problem in this country, which means legions of angry middle aged white men just went ballistic. Quickest way to get a middle aged white guy riled up is to say even a trace of racism still lingers in this nation. They will huff and puff and yell and scream about Obama (we'll get to him in a second), about African-American NFL coaches and bosses at their work. The smarter ones might even realize there is a sitting African-American Supreme Court Justice, along with two of the last four Secretaries of State. That's it. Case closed.

Not so fast. You could write more than a few books on what's still not right about race relations in this country, but I'll throw two things out at you that oughta make it crystal clear. First, from the world of the criminal justice system:

Rap lyrics and videos are turning up as evidence in courtrooms across the country with alarming regularity. Last year, the American Civil Liberties Union of New Jersey found that in 18 cases in which various courts considered the admissibility of rap as evidence, the lyrics were allowed nearly 80 percent of the time.

And I turned twenty-one in prison doing life without parole/No one could steer me right but mama tried, mama tried.....

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, as you can hear with your own ears, Merle Haggard clearly planned from the beginning a life of homicidal mayhem. Under the law you have no choice but to find him guilty.

And do I dare bring up the authority's negligence in allowing Johnny Cash to die of old age a free man after his confessions of not only shooting a man for no other reason than to watch him die, but to the brutal stabbing death of a beautiful young woman.

I plunged a knife into her breast/And told her she was going to rest/She cried "Oh Willy, don't murder me/I'm not prepared for eternity."

I took her by her golden curls/I drug her down to the river-side/An I there threw her in to drown/And I watched her as she floated down

Not to mention the drug use:

Early one mornin' while makin' the rounds/I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down...

Merle and Johnny could write whatever they wanted knowing that to use their lyrics against them in a court of law would be ridiculous. Yet entering a rapper's words into evidence works about 8 in 10 times.

Do you see now how more than an African-American on the Supreme Court might be needed to ensure all people are treated fairly by the judicial system?

Let's stay in the world of music for a second. Remember when Paul Ryan told the world Rage Against The Machine was his favorite band? Most people who had a reaction at all just kinda chuckled, "ha ha...that silly guy listens to hard rock"

But......let's take a look at a few of the lyrics the man who was nominated to be Vice-President of the United States says he enjoys:

Bam! Here's the plan/Mother-FUCK Uncle Sam... 

The present curriculum, I put my FIST in 'em!/Eurocentric, every last one of 'em/See right through the red, white and blue disguise/With lecture I puncture the STRUCTURE of lies! 

What? The land of the free?/Whoever told you that is your enemy

And that's just the start. There's plenty more where those came from.


Now Paul Ryan is free to listen to whatever he wants, I love Rage myself. But I want you to think about something....

What if it had been Barack Obama that said this was one of his favorite bands? You think that would have flown under the radar of the nation? Or do you think maybe Sean Hannity, his friend O'Reilly and the rest of the Fox News goons would have shouted fear into the heart of every white heart over 50 until they were red in the face and foaming at the mouth?

Fox News host Bill O’Reilly told White House adviser Valerie Jarrett that the Obama administration has to enlist the help of “gangsta rappers” if it really wants to help young men of color. 

“You are going to have to get people like Jay-Z, all right, Kanye West, all of these gangsta rappers to knock it off. That’s number one,” said O’Reilly, who attended the launch of President Barack Obama’s “My Brother’s Keeper” initiative Thursday.

That actually came from yesterday's news. Guess we have our answer.

So my friends, the day Barack Obama is as free to talk about the music he listens to as Paul Ryan, the day young rappers have the same artistic freedom as old cowboys, we may....may be able to start thinking about a post-racial society. But he's not, and they're not. So there is still a race problem in this country, and I for one will not rest until every bloodthirsty redneck is in a cage where he belongs. Here is all the evidence you need:

It's Not The Way The Pharmacist Defended A Mistake By Saying "Well, You Know, They Both Begin With H." That Bothers Me The Most About This Story.

...even though that's bad enough. I'm ahead of myself here though, so let me back up a little.

The pharmacist really did say that. Through the magic of the internets, let's go to the entirely appropriately named town of Surprise, Arizona to get the whole story:

Sparling received a call from Walgreens to inform her that she was given the wrong medicine for one of her prescriptions. She was given blood pressure medication instead of the pills to treat her hives. "She goes, 'Well, we probably couldn't read the doctor's handwriting.' Then I said, 'Well, I know that that's not possible because the prescription was printed out,” Sparling recounted. “She kind of paused and said, 'Well, you know, they both begin with H.’"

Did you know that pharmacies used to file old prescriptions in big steel boxes? Seriously. I just bought a boatload of pharmacy antiques to decorate my store and the prescription file boxes that came probably could withstand a nuclear explosion. That's how seriously we used to take the responsibility of being trusted with the chemicals people needed to live. Now we just wrap a slightly thicker piece of paper around a bundle of a hundred prescriptions and throw them in a drawer. Some stores I've seen didn't even do that. And evidently still others feel getting the first letter of a drug name right counts as a good enough effort.

But that's not what bothers me most about this. Don't get me wrong, that was a dumbass thing to say and it bothers me, but not as much as this:

Phil Caruso, Walgreens spokesperson, issued a statement to KPHO that reads, "We're sorry this occurred and we apologized to the patient. We have a multistep prescription filling process with numerous safety checks in each step to reduce the chance of human error.

And I'm supposed to feel better about this now? Let me explain something to you Mr. Walgrrens hack, if you do indeed have a "multistep prescription filling process with numerous safety checks" you now look even STUPIDER. Because, and follow me here, a GOOD process with FUNCTIONAL safety checks would PREVENT someone only concerned about the first letter of a drug's name from getting prescriptions out the door.

Got me? I'll go over that again. The object of a safety check is to make a mistake less likely to happen. So, you see,  when a boneheaded move like this manages to get through your "multistep process"  that's maybe a sign your process sucks. Trying to impress us with the fact you have a process will not work, because the whole thing the process is designed to prevent  JUST HAPPENED.

Or you know what? Maybe it will work. Because people used to expect more from their drug store back in the age of the indestructible prescription file. I'm starting to get a feeling this night...that they probably expected more from corporate spokespeople as well.

Tonight, The 3rd In Our Series Of Pharmacy Debates. Customers Or Patients? The APhA Takes On Rite Aid.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the latest in our series of debates covering all things pharmaceutical. I think we can all agree that the only constant in our profession is change, and that in the last generation the changes in pharmacy have been tremendous. It is hard to believe that in today's world of pharmacy residencies, MTM, provider status in California, and our role on the front lines of vaccination, that there was a time, and not that long ago, when pharmacies weren't even required to keep a permanent patient profile.

Or is that a customer profile? That is our question tonight as one of the largest pharmacy operators in the country takes on The American Pharmacists Association over the question, "The people we serve, patients or customers?"

First off, let me say Rite Aid, it takes a certain amount of courage for you to even show up here. I mean, even when I was back in college, it was pretty universal to refer to those on the other side of our counter as "patients." I can remember the quickest way to get some APhA nerd's boxers in a bunch would be to either use the word "customer." or "retail pharmacy," yet here you are, right here on stage with the most powerful professional pharmacy organization in the country.after contending in a court of law in Landay v Rite Aid that the people you fill prescriptions for are most certainly customers.

"Power is relative Drugmonkey. That will be the lesson in this little exercise"

I see, well, I'm sure the people at APhA are champing at the bit to get their point of view in here, so without further delay....Hm, I see there are two people at the APhA table, I was only expecting a PR representative, who are you sir?

"Saul Goldenstein, chief counsel for the organization"

"But...this isn't any kind of legal proceeding, it's just an informal.... "

"MY CLIENT HAS RIGHTS!!!!!"

"Very well.....would you like to make an opening statement?"

Mr. Goldenstein whispers intently into the APhA official's ear for 15 seconds, which is followed by another minute of silence"

"We cannot comment on an ongoing court case."*

Really? A company goes against the very essence of what you've been preaching for over 20 years and you just plan to sit there like a bump on a log?

"Well we think that while it's important..."

The man from Rite Aid now clears his throat loudly and glares

"Wehavenocomment"

"Sigh, well I'm not totally surprised. Why don't I just go ahead and go over the basic facts of the case to bring our audience up to speed. Rite Aid had a policy of charging $50 a page for a person's prescription records, and was subsequently sued by someone who claimed that this was in violation of Pennsylvania state law, which sets the amount a patient can be charged for their own medical records. Rite Aid then countered that people who seek the services of a pharmacist are not patients, but customers"

"So let me just ask, really Rite Aid man? Did you seriously say that?"

Silence.....punctuated with a steely glare is the only response.  

Well, no need to answer, as the court documents I have in my hand are crystal clear. You know what else I have in my hand? A press release from September 2010 where you used the word "patient" to describe the people you serve twelve times. Twelve. So, which is it? Maybe we should have scheduled this debate with your PR people, as they seem do be doing a better job of opposing you than APhA."

A loud chorus of laughter engulfs the auditorium

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LITTLE PRICK? YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY???? DO YOU??? WELL YOU'RE FIRED!!! FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Yeah...um...you already blew that wad man. You can't do that twice. Whatever power you have over APhA, you got none over me anymore."

"WELL YOU CAN BE SURE YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THE CHAIN DRUG INDUSTRY EVER AGAIN."

"And for that you have my eternal gratitude. APhA, are you sure there's nothing you'd like to say here?"

"Know your medicine, know your pharmacist!!"

"OK....well I think the conclusion of tonight's debate could not be more obvious. Thank you again Rite Aid, for coming here tonight and proving what most of us could never have believed. APhA continues to find ways to become more and more useless. I can only wonder at what they will do next. Any response to this at all APhA?"

"Is it time for a handshake picture now?"

______________________

*that's what they actually said on their Twitter feed, days after saying this issue would be "huge" 

CVS Makes A Paradigm-Shifting, Disruptively Innovative, Strategically Focused Business Decision. Then Wows The World With Its Modesty.

WOONSOCKET, RI- In a major announcement seemingly sent simultaneously to every media outlet in the world, leading pharmacy operator CVS unveiled a bold decision unlike anything it or any other drugstore operator has tried in living memory.

Actually doing the right thing for once.

The operator of over 7,000 pharmacies and possible spawn of Satan announced it would phase out the sale of tobacco products in its stores over the next eight months, leading almost no one to ask "Why the hell was a company that claims to be a health care leader selling tobacco in the first place?"

Instead, the company that has, among other things,  fought multiple accusations of Medicare/Medicaid fraud, violates the intent of the North Carolina Board of Pharmacy's labor standards with impunity, once dispensed multiple prescriptions written for children's flouride with an anti-cancer drug, and was caught employing a fake pharmacist when someone finally bothered to do a routine license check has been treated like it won the Nobel Peace Prize or something.

"You don't get a cookie for doing what you're supposed to do!!" comedian Chris Rock once said in his act. But evidently he was very wrong, as everyone from the AMA to anti-cancer groups to the president of the United States has lined up to present cookies of all flavors to the drug chain that recently finished tied for last place in Consumer Reports ranking of pharmacies.

Hopefully they were low fat cookies. Not the kind that CVS sells.

"This is a wonderful way to distract attention from the ways in which our company falls short......" said CVS President and CEO Larry Merlo before a lawyer started whispering in his ear. "I mean, I'm proud that we're able to finally set an example for ethical business practices and make those fuckers at Walgreen's look like schmucks....um....rather, and do the right thing."

"I'd like the word 'finally' struck from the record" the lawyer then added.

Asked if the company might now look for other ways in which it could actually do the right thing, Merlo was noncommittal, but did say, "This one is gonna cost us two billion dollars, so you can probably guess. Right now we'll just savor the fact we actually  one time took into consideration the possibility that we might want to live up to the image we like to project."

"After all,"  he concluded, "that's a claim no other drug chain can make."

I Provide Much Needed Aid To The American Prescription Filling Consumer. Seriously, You Need To Read This Post Before You Get Your Next Prescription Filled.

Because, Mr. and Mrs. American pill popping consumer, you need my help. You evidently really need my help. I'll start with a snippet from Drug Topics, the world's greatest trade magazine that employs the world's  greatest pharmacy columnist:

When it comes to filling scripts at retail pharmacies, a shopper behavior study indicates CVS is the top consumer choice, followed closely by Walgreens.

"Sad but not surprising" those in the profession are saying. "They are the two biggest, managing to shoehorn themselves on nearly every street corner in the country."

....The study also provided insight into why consumers choose certain pharmacies

"Well this will be useful." us insiders are now saying. "It will be good to know exactly how these behemoths managed to get in this position of market dominance."

"CVS shoppers (68%) were most concerned with quality;"

Everyone in the profession just now shot coffee out their nose. Seriously. Even if they weren't drinking a cup when they read that, the shock of what they just saw instantly created coffee out of nothing and made it spew forth from their nostrils.

Some families got more than they bargained for at a New Jersey CVS drugstore when their childrens' prescriptions for fluoride pills were filled with a popular breast cancer drug instead. 

Tamoxifen, the drug mistakenly given to the kids, is a popular estrogen-blocking drug, used to treat many breast cancer patients with estrogen-receptor-positive cancers.

Yup, at CVS quality is job one.  Here's some more:

Police say a 26-year-old woman has been filling pharmacy prescriptions with false credentials.
Nancy Rose McGowan has been working at a CVS pharmacy in East Austin for about two months, using the identifying information of a licensed pharmacist and a counterfeit US Army ID card. 

She was arrested last Thursday after a Board of Pharmacy investigator reported her to police as a person acting as a pharmacist without a license. The board was conducting a routine compliance check at the drugstore.

Routine compliance check turns up what CVS' pre-employment screening process doesn't. Hell yeah. That's what quality is all about. I could go on, but I'll just say I'm thinking the American consumer has been bamboozled, or perhaps is smoking large quantities of crack while participating in shopper behavior studies. Back to the Drug Topics article::

Walgreens pharmacy customers cited speed of filling prescriptions, while Rite Aid customers identified price as their most important factor in choosing a pharmacy.

The 20 minutes plus I routinely spend waiting to talk to a human when calling my local Walgreen's makes me lean more towards my crack-smoking hypothesis. Also, a hint to Rite Aid customers: I used to work there and know exactly what you've been paying.  Wave your little Wellness Plus card around all you want, but 20% percent off an astronomically high price is still pretty damn high.

But I'm here to help my friends. To be a problem solver as opposed to just a bitch and moaner. The next time you let one of the Big Three pharmacy giants start to make you feel all warm and fuzzy with the power of a multi-million dollar marketing campaign, take a look at this chart from your good friends at Consumer Reports, the highly respected and not nearly widely enough read journal that tries to keep you from wasting your dollars:

Seems pretty self-explanatory, but just in case it's not, I'll point out CVS, Walgreen's and Rite Aid all come in dead last for "speed and accuracy." As a matter of fact, it kinda looks to me like CVS is tied with the Son of Sam for worst rating in everything.

By the way, take a look at where your local independent drugstore stands. You'll want to start at the top.

So American Public, I'm not sure exactly on what you were basing your perception of CVS quality. Something besides evidence apparently. Now however, you know what has been obvious to pretty much everyone in the pharmacy world for at least a decade.

CVS sucks. You're welcome.

When I First Heard "Some Dumb Little Thing From CVS" I Thought They Were Talking About Larry Merlo. Turns Out To Be Something Else Entirely

Pharmacy Jesus Encounters A False Prophet

A few posts ago I promised you an explanation of the evidence of my raw sexuality that showed up in my email box awhile back, a long while back really. I kinda feel bad for keeping you hanging for so long, but just remember, you get what you pay for in this here blog. You want to see me meet deadlines, then go read the words I cough up for dollars.

Which speaking of by the way, you won't be able to do in March. Seems like the magazine needed the space for an advertiser. Dammit. He who lives by the money sword dies by the money sword.

At any rate, this is a tale of caution. A reminder to watch your back out there. All women of virtue be forewarned, as there are those roaming about that would stop at nothing to take advantage of the pure animal magnetism I unleash, as evidenced  by this note from the mailbag:

Hi! I'm a waitress at a bar. Been following your blog for a while now even though it has like zero relevance to my life and been a big fan.

Question is, a few customers came in the night before. One of them was a pharmacist and he gave me his business card...proof he was. We got to talking about pharmacist rant blogs. I mentioned drugmonkey and he said he was drugmonkey...so is it true? Was that you, or some anonymous pharmacist trying to play me? 

From,
A skeptical waitress

I swear I did not make this up. There's at least one dude out there trying to ride on my coattails. One very smart dude I might add. Because I can't imagine anything sexier than being a member of the world's dorkiest profession and then writing about it in your pj's in front of your computer at night. Well played Mr. Drugmonkey wannabe, well played. There just might be someone out there getting more tail off this blog than the man who actually writes it.

Just don't say you weren't warned ladies.

Your Job Sucks. You Know It, I Know It, And Now Someone Wants To Know More About It. A Chance For You To Light A Candle Instead Of Just Cursing The Darkness.

Of course I've never understood why you can't do both. Strike a match to that candle while letting out a big "fuck you darkness." It really doesn't need to be an either/or I don't think.

Anyway, a chance to light up a candle recently turned up in my email box. I'll let the sender explain:

I am a researcher for a consumer advocacy group that's been an active monitor of the chain drug store industry.

Our organization has been hearing some disturbing stories about difficult working conditions for pharmacists and technicians. We really want to get to the bottom of it.

I'm hoping you might be willing to help me confidentially reach pharmacists who work for the big 3 chains.

My goal is to interview chain pharmacy staff to see if they've experienced some of the issues I've heard about. Obviously, I want to protect their anonymity so that their employment is not threatened. 

You're one of the most prolific pharmacy bloggers I know of. I know you have seen how tough the chains can be on their employees. 

Would you be willing to work with me?

Why yes.....yes I would. Kicking pharmacy chains in the balls just happens to give me a tingly feeling inside.

"NO DRUGMONKEY!!!! IT'S A TRAP!!!!" You might be saying. "THE PHARMACY SPIES LURK EVERYWHERE, ESPECIALLY ONLINE!!"

I hear ya. Which is why I did a little investigating before I agreed to help. I know who this group is, but they've asked me to keep this as much on the down-low as possible. You can trust me though, these guys have the Drugmonkey seal of approval.

So if you'd like to spread the awareness of what you're expected to go through during your workday, if you'd like to light up a little candle in the darkened room that is modern chain pharmacy, just drop me a line at drugmonkeyrph@gmail.com and I'll put you in touch with the organization involved.

And nothing says you should stop cursing, while lighting this candle.