Afterwards He Wasn't Sure It Was Worth It.

At the time though, he was full of hope. When he started this whole thing he knew the odds were long and that the process would be difficult, but he was confident he had what it took. The patience, the skill set, the appropriate comfort with technology. Still, there was no way this would be easy.

The effort was started and he was immediately thanked. In a cold, anonymous way. He was told he was important, just not important enough to personalize. Encouraged to hang in there and try for the payoff. Many people began this process, but few completed it successfully, and no one who failed ever heard a harsh word.

The waiting was killing him. Long stretches of nothingness before yet another impersonal contact.

Frustration set in. Maybe he was crazy for trying. Surely there was a better way. This wasn't going to work. It took the encouragement of friends to lift his spirit enough to carry on.

Then......a voice.

"Thank you for calling Walgreens, may I help you?" The past 39 minutes waiting for human contact were the biggest emotional roller coaster ride of his life. Finally though, he had beaten the odds. Someone had answered the phone.

He asked if his doctor had phoned in his alprazolam refill, which he needed far more now than when he began the call.

Highlights From The Weekend's Pill Counting Action

I will surely win the first Nobel Prize to be awarded in Pharmacy. Perhaps for my work over five years ago that will one day rid the world of tuberculosis. Or maybe for a brainstorm that struck me as I walked back to the happy pill room this day on my way back from lunch.

That's right every non-California pharmacist. My employer forces me to close the pharmacy and go eat. Forces he said. If I don't do it I can count on getting a phone call from corporate Monday morning. This stems from a victory won by the United Food and Commercial Workers Union back when unions still had a smidgen of power. So, thanks to the UFCW, I got to eat some tuna salad today.

Think about that for awhile then ask yourself if that's more than APhA has ever done for you. We both know the answer.

The crowds were thick and furious at the mall this day. Annoyingly so. Random numbnuts whose cellphone conversations evidently make them blind. Unpredictable yard apes liable to bolt in any direction at any time. Mormons. The only exception being when I walked in front of the bank. Why is it exactly that when someone is withdrawing $50 from a machine they are ensured of a bubble of privacy from the general public, but when grandpa is asking me if Cialis will give him a 3-day boner you can almost count on some lunatic coming up, standing next to him, and possibly interrupting grandpa mid-sentence with a question about where to drop off the film? Well no more. When I'm finished installing ATM machines next to every pharmacy cash register in the country, grandpa can ask me about his boners in peace.

You're welcome America.

Someone played out "Mary Had a Little Lamb" using their touch tone phone on the store's voicemail. It was perfect. The way they blended one note into the next showed effort and a little talent. I don't know why, but that message restored my faith in humanity a little bit.

It was soon destroyed. "What should I use in my eyes for allergies?" said a woman with very, very, tall hair. Normally I'm all about the hair, but this was just...freaky. I was trying to figure out if it was a wig and was distracted from the fact she had something in her hand. "Try some Zadator" I said, seeing the bottle in her hand too late.

Most of you in the profession know what happens when you recommend something to a person with a bottle already in their hand. They will engage you in a debate over the merits of what you suggested vs. what they are holding, and will ultimately buy what they came to the counter with over 95% of the time. Tip to all pharmacy students: If someone asks for a recommendation while holding a product, look the product over, and if they are not going to hurt themselves, say something like "that should do the trick"

Because you need to save your energy. You need to save it for customers like the lady later on that evening who asked "If I don't want to take Coumadin anymore what strength of aspirin should I use?" You must engage these people. You must fight them with all your power and pry that aspirin bottle from their hand. It will be difficult, and you will question at times whether it is worth it, but remember that person has a mother who loves them, or perhaps a dog, and you need to get that aspirin out of their goddamn hand for Rover's sake. It's not Rover's fault the human who adopted him is an idiot, and if the idiot dies, Rover will possibly be taken to the shelter and put down.

You must fight for Rover.

I went to refill the laser printer and saw there was one sheet of paper in the supply box. Someone left one sheet of paper in there so they could pretend it wasn't empty and thereby spare themselves the effort of going to the back room to get another box. I'm glad everyone who works in the store has a good union-provided healthcare plan, because when I find out who did this, I plan on hurting them.

On an allergy themed weekend, I told a 6 year-old child's mother she should "give the Claritin a shot" to treat the little dude's hayfever. Whereupon little dude starts to cry, thinking I'm about to give him an injection. I do kinda like my job sometimes.

I was almost run over by a car in the parking lot on my way home. Which would have been a shame because then I never would have got to collect my union-provided pension. Don't get me wrong, I still get to gamble in the stock market with a 401(k) like you do, but I can do it while counting on a set amount of retirement income guaranteed by law and insured like a bank deposit.

My last words would have been "Jesus Fucking Christ," which may be the same speech I give when I accept my Nobel Prize.

Merck Is Tired Of Grandma's Crap.

"While initial results look promising, we are confident that other drugs currently under development can increase the death rate among out-of-touch old people by even more" said Merck chairman and CEO Richard Clark in an exclusive interview that took place in my imagination. "Let's face it, after we lost the patents for Fosamax and Cozaar, the oldsters really aren't part of our business plan anymore, and from a financial perspective, are just using up resources that could be more effectively applied elsewhere"

"The sooner they are gone, the sooner we can get serious about the war against human papillomavirus." said Clark, who I also imagine as having an elderly parent sitting on a potential multi-million dollar inheritance.

"So while Saphris does give us a lot to look forward to, just wait until we get the approval for Strychnine SR™

My Book Report.

It's still rough. Like a big mound of clay just starting to take shape.

The preliminary title: Why Your Prescription Takes So Damn Long To Fill; A Foul-Mouthed Pharmacist Breaks The Curse Of Evel Knievel, Finds His Place In The World, And Strikes Back At The Ideological Forces That Threaten The Profession, And Your Health.

Most of what'll end up in there you can find here in the blog garden. My plan is to have a format somewhat David Sedaris-essay like using a lot of the material here. Material which, in case you haven't noticed, kicks ass. The book'll have an overall narrative while jumping around with Family Guy style non-sequiturs as it goes along to its final destination.While there is some value added compared to the raw blog material, the ending is where I really get off asking you to pay for it. I really like the ending. There's a good chance the ending, even if you are well embedded within the profession, will teach you a bit of practical pharmacology you didn't know.

And Lloyd Duplantis of Gray, Louisiana will hate the ending. Which is why I plan on dedicating the book to him. Because I want him to know the book never would have happened had he not inspired me to write it.

So here's the thing. While I am confident I can provide a superior reading experience, hell, I just kept myself entertained reading through the raw manuscript for the last half hour, I want some feedback before I sink the amount of time it will take into honing this sword to razor-sharpness. Would any of you actually consider buying this? Seriously. I know it's taking it to a whole different level to ask someone to part with money, but I also know I just got back from Borders, and I saw a lot of crap there.

Lemmie know. I set up a poll on the right hand side of the page.

Every Month Or So I Tell Myself We Cannot Go Any Lower In Our Political Discourse, And Every Month Or So I Am Proven Wrong.

This night I am torn. Half of me wants to thank my friends the teabaggers for the pure entertainment spectacle you are about to witness, half of me is terrified.

I want you to remember something as you watch this video clip. Due to the arcane rules of the United States Senate, pretty much any member of that body can stop any piece of legislation from moving forward. They do this by putting a secret, anonymous, "hold" on a bill, which basically means "you can't vote on this until I say it's OK" so.....pretty much any Senator could grind the whole place to a halt if they wanted to. Of course I'm sure that's not likely. Absurd even. About as absurd as it would have seemed 20 years ago to make every bill in the Senate overcome a filibuster.

Now I'd like you to meet Christine O'Donnell. Ms. O'Donnell, with the backing of the teabaggers, recently became the Republican nominee for one of Delaware's US Senate seats. Turns out she was also at one time a regular guest on Bill Maher's old TV show, "Politically Incorrect"

She's the one with the big 90's hair. She's also one election away from being a United States Senator.

Roll the tape......

Hand Shook, Plaque Awarded.

WASHINGTON DC- (That's right! Washington! aren't you impressed!!??)- A rather limp handshake was given from one middle aged man to another while both smiled for a photographer and imagined themselves to be very important, according to every issue ever printed of Pharmacy Today, an official publication of The American Pharmacist's Association.

The two men wore glasses, conservative haircuts, and suits of the type to be found in a regional Midwestern department store chain, the magazine has continuously reported since at least 1973. A plaque was also exchanged, usually commemorating one of the men's vision of the profession's future.

A vision of the future can also be found at the CVS pharmacy two blocks from APhA headquarters in Washington, DC, where wait times to pick up a prescription have been reported to exceed two hours.

That's right, Washington, DC, right on the National Mall with breathtaking views from the Potomac View Terrace overlooking the city's national landmarks. This will be mentioned in every issue of Pharmacy Today for the next decade.

Asked if the limp handshake was a metaphor for the organization's weak grasp of the issues actual pharmacists might care about, one of the pale men said "Not at all, if you add up the total number of our members who are pharmacists, pharmacy students, pharmacy technicians, and 'others' it comes out to less than a third of the number of people who are practicing pharmacists, which really shows where we stand. I mean, think about it, that probably means less than one on four actual pharmacists is a member of our organization! We totally must understand a thing or two!"

"Just nothing that a majority of people in the profession actually care about." He concluded.

At times, according to Pharmacy Today, conferences have also been held, discussions have taken place at round tables, and a small trophy has been given instead of a plaque. Plain looking women also seem to be taking part more frequently. While conventions take place around the country, APhA headquarters is in Washington, DC, where people with actual influence also live.

APhA would also like you to know they recently moved into a new building, located in Washington, DC. Four hundred plaques were given to various executives involved in overseeing plans for the new building, which again, is located in the nation's capital.

Insiders report that a banquet will soon be held to celebrate APhA being nowhere to be found in Mother Jones magazine's list of the top 75 contributors to Congressional campaigns, which includes The American Medical Association (#6), The American Dental Association (#26), and The American Hospital Association (#27).

Even The American Academy of Ophthalmology managed to come in at number 61 for Christ's sake.

"Everyone knows you get the best results for your membership by not making waves or advocating too forcefully for their interests, it also helps to have an idea of what those interests might be, which is why we've been in the process of building a consensus to move forward for the last 38 years." said a bland man or woman. They then proceeded to the award banquet's buffet table, while a pharmacist in Florida continued to starve himself in an effort to be heard.  

Vacation Report Number 6, In Which I Come Face To Face With A Great Beast Of The Woods.

Day 1- Notes On The Central Valley.

There is a part of California most people don't mention when they talk about the splendor of the state, and some actively avoid altogether. If the Golden State is a microcosm of the country, then the green area you most likely see on a map running along its center like a spine is its mini flyover country. When I was a kid it was called the San Joaquin Valley, and its legacy was as home of the Oakies, the land of Merle Haggard and Buck Owens and millions of lessor known people of my parent's generation who came out west to make a living working on a farm after they lost the one they used to own. You can still see traces of the influence of Merle and Buck's people if you look closely enough, but mostly what you'll notice in The Central Valley, which is what it's called today, is the haze.

The haze surrounds the edges of The Central Valley like some sort of smog doughnut. It gives an eerie coating to your surroundings and makes the mountains jump out at you as you head east with the same suddenness dodgeballs used to have in gym class when I couldn't wear my glasses. It also makes Fresno the asthma capital of the word. A few, very few, people, the ones who owned the land, got rich farming in the Central Valley, but mostly it's a place of poverty. I wondered what happened to the descendants of Merle and Buck as I rose into the mountains, as Oakies have been replaced in our times with Oaxacans. My mind gradually drifted to other thoughts as I drove up into the canyon and felt the mountains wrap around me like a hug. I fell asleep in their embrace, surrounded by the serenading sound of a frog choir.

Day 2-

BEAR!!!! Eight miles into the day's hike I saw a real life muthafuckin wild bear!!! This was the first time I've ever encountered an animal with the power to tear off my head and shit down my neck without a cage or moat or something in between us. The bear got a look at me and took off running, obviously seeing my newly developed pectoral muscles and knowing what he would be up against. Bears are very wise animals. I would love at this point to show you a picture of the bear, but while I was totally on top of the need to have a fully charged camera battery before I left home, I was a little less diligent about actually making sure the battery made it into the camera. So instead of a picture of a bear, I'll share this picture of a camera battery, in the hopes that it will serve as a reminder to me always of the importance of taking care of details:

Fifteen minutes later I stopped on the trail for a break and heard a rustling further up the mountain. The rustling grew closer and was clearly from a direction not trail related. I started to fear maybe Mr. Bear was not as wise as I had first thought. As I saw a pair of eyes stare out at me from the bushes about 15 feet away, my thoughts were of you, and how sad it was that you would never again have the joy of reading one my Highlights From The Day's Pill Counting Action posts. You struck good fortune however, when the eyes turned out to belong to a doe, who was leading her two little fawns through the woods. They paraded past me and I then realized the best way to maximize one's encounters with wildlife is to have no way to record them. I wondered if maybe I shouldn't have let the bear maul me a little so I could prove I really saw him. I put in 18 miles of hiking and realized if you ever get lost in Sequoia National Park you can always orient yourself to the direction of the haze and know it pointed to Fresno. I saw a picture of what the view from the Sierras looked like at the turn of the 20th century, a clear shot literally from one side of California to the other, as you could make out the coastal ranges in the distance, and I developed a little extra hatred for all those who drive an SUV in order to haul around a bag of groceries and a soccer ball.

The hatred kept me warm as I dozed off that night in the chilly mountain air under the stars, which are, as of now, unaffected by the haze.

Day 3-

I didn't move a muscle. I walked from my cabin down to the river where there was a natural swimming hole in between a waterfall and a set of mini-rapids and sat there for hours. It was very beautiful. Maybe I'll draw a picture of it when I get time so I'll have something to remember it by. I sat by the river and read in The Atlantic about likely Israeli plans to bomb Iran and worked on revising my book. I gotta tell you, I think my book's gonna be kinda good. I hope for your sake someone decides to publish it, as otherwise the bear letting me live will have been in vain.

That night I found a Natalie Merchant CD in the cabin and knew it was a sign. I have long known that my retail pharmacy career will end one incredibly hectic day when I will look up and Natalie will be there. "It's time Drugmonkey" Natalie will say, and I will hop across the counter never to be seen again. Natalie was telling me not to be too angry at SUV driving assholes, as they are too dumb to know what they do, and too fat to ever come up here and see for themselves. Natalie sang me to sleep as I almost dozed off into the rough draft of my book. I felt either her kiss on my forehead to end the day or the metal of a three ring binder.

Day 4-

If any of you want to know where to see Sequoia groves in the National Park that bears their name without having to deal with all the fat diabetic types that crowd around the trees next to the highway, let me know. Just be in shape before you ask, because the ones I found are both relatively untouched and straight up the side of a goddamn mountain. Those two facts are not unrelated. Sequoias tend to grow in clusters, and every time I came upon a group while walking along the trail I would break into a little song I made up:

I love..... Sequoia trees....
I love......Sequoia trees....


They drink a lot of water....
But they never ever drown!!
They drink a lot of water....
And you can't burn them down!!


I..... love.....Sequoia trees.....


They're really really tall...
But they hardly ever fall...


And when they do it's the only way they ddddiiiiiiiieeeeee.......
If you cut one down you should be poked in the eeeeeyyyyyeeeeee....


'cause...I....love....Sequoia trees.....

Looking back I wonder if perhaps the decreased oxygen levels at this altitude might not have been having an effect on  brain function.  

I remembered how a friend once told me she hadn't been skiing in awhile and decided to finally hit the slopes. She was mortified to find out her skiwear was hopelessly out of fashion and immediately had.......had to I said.....purchase an entire new wardrobe in order to be seen outside her hotel room. The biggest faux pas one could ever commit on the ski slopes she told me, was to wear jeans. I thought of this because the area of the park where I found myself had once been slated to be developed into a multi-million dollar ski resort by The Walt Disney Corporation. Environmental groups had stood up to Mickey Mouse back in the 60's though, and stopped him in his tracks. It was a time when left wing groups weren't afraid to actually use power once they had won an election, which left me free to be walking around the area wearing a pair of ugly jeans and what I call my birth control hat.

It feels good to win one once in awhile. Because I love Sequoia trees.

The next day I drove back through the haze and found my camera battery right where I left it. And a hairball my cat Spooky had thrown up on the bathroom floor. Sunday it's back to the grind. I plan to ease the transition with the music of Buck and Natalie.

Something Tells Me Stephen Hawking Has Never Set Foot In A Drugstore.

Here's how he ends the 1988 classic A Brief History Of Time:

However, if we discover a complete theory, it should in time be understandable by everyone, not just by a few scientists. Then we shall all, philosophers, scientists and just ordinary people, be able to take part in the discussion of the question of why it is that we and the universe exist. If we find the answer to that, it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason -- for then we should know the mind of God.

I watched a lady stand next to the greeting cards today for an hour and a half looking through the store's advertising flier. I shit you not. An hour and a half out of her life to decide if she wants to buy the Tide that's a dollar off this week. And that was after I noticed she'd already been there awhile and took note of the time. She might have been there close to two hours. Motionless, except for the turning of 12 pages.

I'm a little less confident in the ultimate triumph of human reason.

Report: Researchers Look Into The Use Of Marijuana To Prevent PTSD

SANTA CRUZ, CALIFORNIA- In a midday news conference, researchers at the University of California at Santa Cruz today released the results of a long anticipated study investigating the effects of marijuana use and the prevention of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

"While there are not enough data as of yet to draw definite conclusions, we are quite excited about our results to date, and are pleased to report what may be a significant breakthrough in the prevention of one of the nations most vexing mental health problems." said Dr. Harold Falvor, who has been in charge of the study since shortly before the American invasion of Iraq in March of 2003. Falvor noted that the military's zero-tolerance policy towards illegal substance use was key to the study's structure, as participants are instructed to inhale a "clinically significant" amount of marijuana smoke shortly before or after any contact with a military recruiter, ensuring they are never inducted into the armed forces. With as many as 1 in 5 combat veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan showing signs and symptoms of PTSD or major depression, Falvor estimated that the prophylactic use of marijuana could have prevented at least 300,000 cases of the two disorders over the last seven years. 

"Marijuana use was significantly more effective than placebo, and better tolerated than the other leading therapy, being gay, which was associated with stress and anxiety disorders from different sources." Falvor said. 

He also noted that the minimum effective dose varied widely during the study period. "During 2004 and 5 there were times what a participant had to actually show up at an induction center with a lit marijuana cigarette in their hand before they saw any effect" he said, "but now we're seeing results with much lower doses, possibly because the potency of the product has increased"

Side effects were mild and transient, and included increased appetite, temporary decreased cognition, weight gain, and surfer dude syndrome. These paled next to the effects of PTSD said Falvor, which include flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, hypervigilance, and just general bat-shit crazy stuff like this:

A former Army soldier with behavioral problems took several hospital workers hostage this morning while demanding treatment from a Georgia based military hospital.

"If only that young man had smoked a joint or two before signing his enlistment contract, he could be a productive member of society today" an emotional Falvor concluded. 


Critics have attacked the study, saying willingness to join the armed forces is itself indicative of a serious mental disorder, and have suggested more studies on lab rats. 

Highlights From Friday's Pill Counting Action.

"We really appreciate the extra effort you've put in since the start of flu season" The District Manager said to the Drugmonkey. "Knowing you can step up to make sure prescriptions still get out the door when the other pharmacist is tied up giving flu shots during her half of the day is a big help to us. I saw that you filled three times as many prescriptions during your shift than she did in hers yesterday. That's really an example of the type of teamwork we're going to need in order to make our immunization program a success. Thanks again"




Insert a good 15 seconds of silence here............









BBBBBBBBBBWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAAHHHAAAAHHHHAAAHHHAAAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAA

HHAAAAAA

HHAAAAAA

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh.....god.....think I pulled a muscle.....from laughing.......it hurts......

bwwwwaaahahhaaaaahaaaaaaa......oowwwwwwwwww.......

Just the thought that a district manager would even know I'm doing three times as many prescriptions as the other pharmacist now, much less react to it.......

ha ha ha ha ha.....ow ow ow ow ow.......

He really told me I had some overdue computer training modules to complete. I think they had something to do with boxcutters. He also told me to stop skipping my lunch break when it's busy. I want every other non-California retail pharmacist to read that again. A corporate suit told me to stop skipping my lunch.

Once that sinks in I have this to say to every non-California retail pharmacist. You picked the wrong state sucka. Ha ha.....ow.

The first customer of the day presented me with their insurance card and told me, "This new plan only covers 14 Ambien tablets every 30 days. I just wanted to tell you in order to save you the trouble of trying to bill for all 30."

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAA!!!!!

Oh God I'm on a roll......

BBBBBBBBBBWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Jesus. I think I really might have hurt myself. No. Seriously. I spent like 15 minutes trying to explain to the customer why they were only getting 14 tablets. I can't feel the left side of my diaphragm muscle now. I hope I can still breathe.

I've decided my American Indian name will be "He Who Solves Great Problems." I wish I could tell you how I earned it, but mulling it over, the situation was so convoluted, such an incredible comedy of errors, totally the eternal monument to the cluster fuck, that there's very little I could say about it without running the risk of going afoul of HIPAA.  I'll just tell you it involved simultaneously outsmarting a doctors office, Medco, and a competitor on the other side of town. They all threw their best incompetence at me and I mowed them all down. Because I am He Who Solves Great Problems and my pharmacy penis is thick and long. I reveled in the self-satisfaction and the $1.50 dispensing fee I had earned.

It didn't last long. "What do you mean by foam?"  The customer asked while looking over the Band Aids. This is the kind of question I struggle to answer without sounding like a smartass. I mean.......foam......like.......you know.....foam?

The customer must have been happy with my effort, because she followed up with an even greater challenge.

"What do you mean by feel better?"

The person then came to the counter and picked up a prescription that was being billed to Workman's Comp. Which means this person once had a job. Which means someone once looked at them and said to themselves, "This 300 pound mouth breather who can't get her brain around basic nouns and concepts is definitely the best choice for my organization" I pondered that for awhile. And the fact there are currently 15 million people in this country who can't find a job.

I was snapped out of it by the sound of another customer walking by, "I'm a nurse, I know how a pharmacy is organized!!" she said to her friend. Pay attention to your surroundings my friends, and you will constantly be learning things. This day I learned that they teach how to set up planograms for large chain drugstores in nursing school for some reason.

I farted and the lights got dimmer. I swear. It happened twice.

From the waiting area I hear, at more than full volume. I FORGOT MAY HEARING AID......YOU WILL HAVE TO SPEAK UP. YES......WELL.......SHE MARRIED A NEGRO SHOE SALESMAN AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.......HE MADE LIKE $7.50 AN HOUR AND I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE WOULD MAKE SUCH A CHOICE......

The nurse came back and asked me where the Imodium might be.

A car alarm sounded in the parking lot and everyone in the store stopped what they were doing to rush out and stop a possible felony in progress.

BWWWAAAAHAHHHAAAAAHHHHAAAA!!!!.....Oh Jesus. I might have to go to the hospital.

A guy was wearing female Uggs and I tried to figure out if he was making a statement or was just stupid. I was really worried he might get too much credit for being a free spirit when in fact he was just dumb.

Five minutes till closing and a young couple walks to the counter. He asks for Sudafed. I ask for an ID.

"I would have one if SHE wouldn't have lost my license!!"

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO HELL!!!!"

And then they stormed off. Making me feel much better about the fact I would be returning to an empty condo.