In A World Full Of War, Pestilence, And Economic Hardship, I Find One Thing For Which To Be Thankful

I am not the least bit bald. I'm not sure I could handle it if I was.

My hair is as thick and full as the day I was born. Wait. Scratch that. I mean as thick and and full as it ever was. I look at bald men and I feel badly for them. I wonder if their heads get cold. So many things have gone wrong in today's society, I just feel it's important to note that my hairline isn't one of them.

I'm extra thankful because my skin tends to be a bit on the shiny side, which means if I were bald I would probably blind you if the room's lighting bounced off my head at the right angle. It's a good thing for both of us I still have all my hair.

If You Called A Pharmacist At His Home Yesterday Morning About Your Vicodin Dose, Please Let Me Know.

I had a dream last night that I was talking on the phone. Keep in mind that when I say "night" I am referring to the period between approximately 5am and 2 in the afternoon.

"Drugmonkey" Said the voice on the line, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I have a question about this Vicodin prescription I got the other day. I know you always used to complain how doctors don't know how to dose Vicodin, but I can't remember how many you used to say you could take a day. My tooth really hurts but I don't want to take too much."

What a boring dream. Not only totally PG rated, but no flying monkeys, falling off cliffs, or monsters chasing me of the sort that put a little spice into the body's downtime.

I do constantly bitch about doctors not knowing how to dose Vicodin though. There are 500 milligrams of acetaminophen (Tylenol) in each Vicodin tablet. The maximum daily dose of acetaminophen is 4000 milligrams. At least 5 times a day I see a Vicodin prescription with instructions of "Take 1 to 2 tablets every 4 hours as needed for pain" Do the math. Doctors will also do this with Darvocet, which has 650 milligrams of acetaminophen per tablet. If you're a doctor and you have ever written a prescription with these instructions for Vicodin or Darvocet, please hit yourself in the nuts and set fire to your medical license.

Back to my dream though. When I woke up I had my cellphone in my hand, and a check of the call log showed that I had just talked to a restricted number for a minute and a half.

Thing is, I don't remember what I said in my dream. I hope I said eight tablets a day, because that's the answer.

At least they didn't ask why their copay was so high.

I Could Write About How Hillary Clinton Hopes To Subvert The Will Of Democratic Primary Voters, But It's More Of A Freaky Customer Kinda Night

The first bit of pill counting action this day was a phone call. "Yeah.....I got some Oxycodone yesterday, and I got another prescription for it today, so I was wondering....."

You know how the rest of the phone call went. The next call was a phone in prescription for Adipex to be taken three times a day. Those of you in the profession will be shocked...just shocked.... to hear it was a Physician's Assistant doing the phoning. Those of you not in the profession should know that taking Adipex three times a day would be a lot like doing the crystal meth. And that this was far from the first time I've come across a Physician's Assistant with their head up their ass.

Drugmonkey to the day's first customer: "How are you today?"

Customer: "Oh...pretty good, I think I had a little stroke last night though."

An hour later a front end employee thought they were fooling everyone by trying to have a cigarette in the bathroom.

Yesterday I had called a doctor's office because a customer said this doctor told them to take more warfarin than originally prescribed. I needed to confirm this so the customer's insurance company wouldn't reject their next claim as a "refill too soon." This kind of thing happens all the time. The doctor returned my call today and said:

"I got your message regarding Mr. Smith.......so....what's the new dose?"

There seemed to be something about the phone that made everyone using it a little extra stupid today.

The pattern continued with the next call:

"YES......I HAVE SOME DIARRHEA." The volume was the maximum a phone's ear piece could produce. "AND MY FRIEND.....HE SAYS IT COULD MEAN I HAVE BEEN.... POISONED!!!!! IS THIS TRUE?"

So I told him he probably had about an hour to live. Not really.

A lady insisted for over 5 minutes that her child had to have Amoxicillin suppositories. She would accept no cure for an ear infection that did not involve the anus. If I were some sort of right-wing evangelical Republican type it would have been obvious to me she was trying to turn the lad into a homosexual.

Last week we put up a counter display of pillholders that you can attach to your keychain. It took less than 7 days for someone to complain that there was nothing inside the pillholders. Then someone's runny nose made a puddle next to the cash register and it was time to go home. Sweet sweet scotch.

By the way, the headline is true. There is no way Hillary Clinton will go into the Democratic convention having won more delegates than Barack Obama. She knows this. This means it is her ambition that two presidents in a row assume office having won fewer votes than their opponent at some stage of the electoral process.

There's a fair chance it might happen. Remember that the next time someone says it is up to us to defend democracy in other countries.

A Quick Message To My Friends At Medco.

I would like to thank you for taking time out of your busy day to send me the following message in response to my claim on behalf of one of your cardholders:

"1- Tox Dif Goiter No Crisis"

In order to properly express my appreciation though, I would first have to know what the fuck you were trying to say. I was filling a prescription for Flexeril, which unless the subject was covered on one of the days I decided to skip class, to my knowledge has absolutely nothing to do with a goiter. For your convenience, we have staff members at my pharmacy fluent in English, Spanish, Hindi and Tagalog. Please provide any future messages in one of those languages.

Or maybe just keep your mouth shut unless there actually is a crisis.

Fuckers.

Seven Years After I Escaped Its Clutches, The State Of Ohio Continues To Find Ways To Be A Burr Up My Ass.

I guess I'm not really surprised this is the ad credited with sealing the deal for Hillary on Tuesday. It was designed to appeal to the simple, the frightened, and the dim, which of course made it a hit in Texas and Ohio:




November 14th, 2010. 3am. The White House:

Phone: Ring Ring.

Hillary Clinton: Hello?

"HHHHIIIIILLLAAARRRRRYYYYYYY!!!!! MMMAAAAYYYYYHHHH SQUUUAAAAEEEEZZZZEEEEE!!!!!"

"William, I've told you never to call me on this line." Not many people know that when Hillary is pissed she calls her husband William.

"Awwww now honnnnneey....don't be sore"

"You know I have a meeting first thing in the morning to discuss the Iranian problem."

"WWHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Oh God.....ugh......"

This is followed by 2 minutes of soft gurgling noises. The phone then goes silent.

Hillary tells herself to go back to sleep, but there is no sleep. She loves him. Despite his flaws he's her world and when she says she's not worried and he can lie in the bed he's made she only reminds herself that she's never been a good liar.

The Iranian problem is discussed the next day, but Hillary's mind is still in that Bourbon Street gutter. The generals decide maybe this isn't the best time. The day after that Los Angeles is destroyed by an Iranian nuclear device. The quality of television programing increases exponentially.

Turns out Bill just had to throw up.

If You're A Small Government Type, I Guess You Must Have Your Own Pig Farm In Case You Ever Need Heparin

Because this is the type of thing that happens when you and your ilk string together almost 30 years of wins at the ballot box.

With reports of more than 400 patients in the United States suffering serious complications after receiving the blood-thinner heparin, American investigators are trying to determine whether the raw material for the drug, made from pig intestines, became contaminated on the journey that begins in the slaughterhouses of China.

The process of making heparin begins with the intestines of slaughtered pigs, from which mucous membrane is collected and cooked, eventually producing a dry substance known as crude heparin. Major heparin producers like S.P.L. take that substance, refine it and sell it to companies like Baxter that make the final product, which is widely used in cardiovascular surgery and dialysis.

In a village called Xinwangzhuang, nearly every house along a narrow street doubles as a tiny heparin operation, where teams of four to eight women wearing aprons and white boots wash, splice, separate and process pig intestines into sausage casings and crude heparin.

The floors had large puddles and drainage channels; the workshops were dilapidated and unheated; and steam from the production process fogged up the windows and soaked the walls. There were large ovens to cook ingredients and halls lined with barrels to store enzymes, resins, intestines and wastewater.

“This is our family-style workshop,” said Zhu Jinlan, the owner of one heparin operation, who stopped sorting pig intestines and invited visitors to a back room, where she lives with her husband and child. “We’ve been doing this about 10 years.”

Welcome to the new world order.

For those of you who are old enough, ask yourself if back in the 70's you ever......ever would have accepted that the drugs given to you would have started their journey to your veins in the basement of some random house in a third world country?

Of course you wouldn't have. Because back then we had an FDA that was given the resources it needed to do its job. Because back then we hadn't bent over and taken it without lube from the corporations who wanted to take down the barriers to trade but keep up the barriers to labor. Because back then it was still possible for someone to tell the corporations no.

The Chinese heparin market has become increasingly unsettled over the last year, as pig disease has swept through the country, depleting stocks, leading some farmers to sell sick pigs into the market and forcing heparin producers to scramble for new sources of raw material. Traders and industry experts say even big companies have been turning more often to the small village workshops, which are unregulated and often unsanitary.

The problems involving heparin have again focused attention on the quality of products from China and the gaps in regulation by both the Chinese and United States governments. S.P.L.’s plant in Changzhou was certified by American officials to export to the United States even though neither government had inspected it. The plant has been exporting heparin to Baxter since 2004.

I guarantee you whatever plants were supplying heparin in the days of Jimmy Carter had been inspected. But then you started putting people in charge of the government who said that government can't work, so really, are you surprised that it stopped working? If you wanted the government to ensure a safe heparin supply, it would. Just like it ensures the delivery of bullets and bombs like no other government in the world. It's doing what you want it to do.

Think about what you've done the next time you're in the hospital and the nurse starts to inject something into your IV bag. Think about the intestines of the sick pig getting cooked in someone's garage.

Enjoy your tax cut.

Jesus Christ Don't Give CVS Any Ideas....

From the website of Democracy Now! Which you should be reading every day:

Utah Boss Accused of Waterboarding Worker

The Salt Lake Tribune is reporting a supervisor at a motivational coaching business in Utah has been accused of waterboarding an employee in front of his sales team. According to a lawsuit, the supervisor poured water from a gallon jug over the mouth and nostrils of one of his workers. At the conclusion of the waterboarding, the supervisor allegedly told the sales team that he wanted them to work as hard on making sales as their coworker had worked to breathe while he was being waterboarded. David Ellis, the president of the company Prosper, defended his staff. Ellis said, “It was meant to be a team-building exercise. Everybody was . . . involved and enthusiastic.”

Who says Big Government doesn't have anything to teach the private sector? If it weren't for Big Government research into how to, um..... "motivate" people. Prosper wouldn't have a snowballs chance in Guantanamo of meeting this quarter's sales goals.

I'm gonna start waterboarding the idiot who keeps transferring calls for the photo department to the pharmacy.

A Picture From The "What The Hell?" File....

The hand on John's back pulled him closer, and he knew he could resist no longer. John realized the bitterness, the years of fighting, the hurt, it was all just passion misdirected. John struggled to place his own hand all the way around George's expanded waistline, and he realized what a good life his conqueror had lived the last 8 years. John had been vanquished, but he wanted a good life too.

"I.......I....did father an illegitimate black baby, didn't I?" John whispered softly as his head settled into George's soft warm shoulder. "And......I am against breast cancer research....just like you said."

"You're damn right bitch" The words came sternly out of George's mouth. He was the decider. "Tell me who's your Daddy"

"You're my Daddy George." John started to weep softly.

"That's what I want to hear. I'm your Daddy.....and you're going to make me forget all about mine"

George and John then went backstage. What happened next was both a beginning and an an end, but the passion was unchanged. The passion was eternal.

So I'm Still Not Sure Why You'd Want To, But You Can Follow Me Now On The Twitter If You Want.

Some of you may think it's a sign of my impending suicide, but really I just figured if it's good enough for Katie the Jewgirl, it's good enough for me.

Go here if you can't get enough of the Drugmonkey. The picture really is of me.

Sometimes The Customer Is Not The Idiot, Part Three

I lived half of every pharmacists nightmare tonight. Misfill. An absolute, tee-total, unqualified no excuses prescription filled incorrectly. Yay for me that I wasn't the one who filled it wrong. Woe for me that I was the one working when it was brought to our attention. Written for Lipitor 20mg and filled with 40mg instead. The customer was given 100% more drug than he was meant to take. Here's where it gets interesting though. You know what he did?

In a world where we have to specify that antibiotic liquids have to be taken by mouth and not put in the ear "because that's where the infection is......"

In a world where we have to be sure to tell people that they have to unwrap and remove the foil from a suppository before they stick it up their ass.......you know what this customer did?

To those of you in the profession, what I'm about to write may be the least believable thing you have ever seen on this blog, but I swear it's the truth.

The customer saw the 40mg tabs, realized they were wrong, broke them in half, and took them, 20 mg at a time, mentioning the mistake only when he came in to get his refill "because I know that type of thing is important to you"

If Nobel Prizes went to pharmacy customers, there would be no question as to its first recipient.