If You're A CVS Pharmacist, You May Have To Commit Suicide.

I can think of no other honorable way for you out of this situation:

I had to watch this three times out of sheer disbelief of its complete gayness. It still hasn't quite sunk in. I mean gay like lame, not gay like homosexual. Butt sex is far less offensive than this. Wrapping a rainbow around an old woman on the way to work? WRAPPING A RAINBOW AROUND AN OLD WOMAN ON THE WAY TO WORK!!?? You know what I do on the way to work most days? I play The Black Eyed Peas "Let's Get Retarded"

Everybody, everybody, let's get into it.
Get stupid.
Get retarded, get retarded, get retarded.
Let's get retarded (ha), let's get retarded in here.......

It's the perfect song to put you in that retail pharmacy state of mind. Why? Because if that CVS video would have been a few seconds longer, you would have witnessed the following exchange between the customer and the rainbow wrapper.

Rainbow Wrapper: "Here's your everyday miracle!!!"

Customer: "WHY IS MY COPAY SO HIGH!!???"

Rainbow Wrapper: "I love sunshine and fluffy baby chicks"

Customer: "I love Norco"

Rainbow Wrapper: "I love the rain that gives us all life."

Blue Cross: "Rain is not on our formulary. None of you may have any rain"

Thanks to the alert reader who alerted me to the video. I think.

Exubera. We Hardly Knew Ye.

From those money-lovin' folks at Forbes.com (Semi-related side note: I once remember seeing Steve Forbes, publisher of Forbes magazine, 2-time presidential candidate, and gazbillionare, host Saturday Night Live........ "Ladies and Gentlemen" he said as he introduced that week's musical guest, "Rage Against The Machine!!!!" I almost shot scotch through my nose.)

Pfizer announced it's cleaning its system of the disappointing inhaled diabetes drug Exubera, giving Wall Street hope the world's largest pharmaceutical company is getting its act together.

The drug-maker’s weakness stems from Exubera, a drug that has disappointed everyone but Pfizer's competitors (See "Pfizer's Latest Hit"). In October, Pfizer announced it was ending production of the inhaled insulin, and taking a $2.8 billion charge.

Hmmmm.....for some reason Exubera just never seemed to catch on.





Who could have known? Um, me. I called this over a year ago, and I remember interviewing Pfizer CEO Jeffrey B. Kindler at the time and asking what the hell he was thinking*:

"We really think the porn star experience adds an exciting new dimension to diabetes treatment." said Kindler. "We all know that erectile dysfunction is a common complication of diabetes, and our focus groups tell us that many diabetics feel that simulated oral sex with a plastic tube is a great way to get back some of those intimate feelings that have been missing from their lives due to this cruel disease."

"Did you really do focus groups?" I asked.

"No, we didn't. But our accounting intern said that making people think about having a hairy penis in their mouth might be a good way to get them to stick to their diets. We went with that thought."

"You're insane"

"Insane like a fox Drugmonkey" said Kindler. Then he started laughing hysterically and threw me out of his office.

So I guess the failure of an erotisized version of an injectable drug means the project to develop Viagra shots will be put on hold**. Goodbye Exubera. Thanks for the memories, the laughs, and the chubby MILF semi-porn. My world feels a bit emptier already.

But not my pharmacy shelves. I never bothered to order one.

*this interview actually took place in an alternate fake world.

**the injectable Viagra project exists only in my imagination.

This Day I Receive The Coolest Excuse For Not Showing Up To Work Ever

"Hello, Drugmonkey?"

"Yeah, R, get your ass in here, we're getting killed"

"I can't come in today"

"DAMMIT!! What are you doing to me here? I thought we were friends"

"Yeah, well, I just got out of jail."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah"

"Whoa, you mind sharing here?"

"Um, well......I was in a car with some friends, and we were driving through (insert name of affluent lilly-white town full of old people with corks up their asses) and we got pulled over. It was bullshit. And the cop had an attitude....."

"And you got into it with the cop?" I knew R had a temper.

"yeah"

"You fucking rock! Take the day off"

"I'd come in, but I'm kinda tired. I didn't get much sleep when I was in there"

"Don't worry about it. We'll get by"

"Thanks"

So the rich old fucks who called the cops because my tech's radio was too loud ended up having to wait twice as long for their Viagra today than they would have otherwise. Justice, oh sweet justice.

He's a good kid. Plus he's in the Air Force Reserve, which makes him a troop you have to support. Ha ha.

Not a bad day at all really.

What We Really Need In Our Next President Is Someone Who Can Protect Us From Cough Syrup.

From the Sept. 3rd edition of the trade mag Drug Topics:

First, the bad news. Recent studies have spotlighted an alarming trend among teens who intentionally consume large amounts of cough medicine containing the ingredient dextromethorphan (DXM). The Partnership for a Drug-Free America reports that one in 10, or 2.4 million, young people report having abused DXM-containing medications to get high.

The good news: The Consumer Healthcare Products Association (CHPA) is collaborating with the Partnership and other organizations to launch educational initiatives to combat this disturbing trend.

Wow. That is good news. An educational initiative is exactly what we need to deal with this problem. Who can forget the way educational initiatives made marijuana use but a distant memory?

In June, the Senate passed S. Res. 225, a resolution designating August 2007 as "National Medicine Abuse Awareness Month." Introduced by Sen. Joseph Biden Jr., (D, Del.), the resolution encourages parents to educate themselves and to talk to their teens about the dangers associated with medicine abuse.

Great. National Medicine Abuse Awareness Month. Sigh. How about National Lame-O awareness month? Let me point out here that Senator Biden is currently running for president. Now call me a bit cranky, but I would like to think people running for president would be worried about things like.....hmmm.....I dunno....terrorists?

"The only thing we have to fear is........the Robitussin in aisle 4"

"You don't seem to be taking this problem very seriously Drugmonkey" I can hear some of you saying, and you would be right. While doing a little poking around the internet I came across testimonials of dumbass kids who swear dextromethorphan took them on Timothy Leary like trips to altered consciousness and ultimate truth. I can tell you that there were times when I took as much dextromethorphan as some of these kids in a desperate attempt to stop hacking up a lung. You know what happened?

I continued to hack up a lung. The cold viruses that were in my body tied up the dextromethorphan, put one of those little red balls in its mouth and made the dextromethorphan their little bitch boy until my white blood cells could come to the rescue. It doesn't work, and I put any stupid kid who thinks it gets them high in the same league with the stupid hippies who swore in the 60's that Coca-Cola and aspirin would give you the ultimate out of body experience. If there wasn't a war going on back then maybe idiotic politicians would have legislated Bayer out of existence.

Wait. There's a war going on now. Wow, that makes Biden look even lamer.

Can chugging the dextromethorphan kill you? Sure. So can chugging water, so should I have to start carding everyone who wants to buy a bottle of Aquafina? Christ we are turning into a nation of wussies. I tell you what though, if Joe Biden really wants to stop teenagers from guzzling dextromethorphan, I'll tell you how he can do it in 30 seconds. Seeing a picture of Joe Biden is the key to understanding my plan:




"Hello children, I'm a cool United States Senator, and you know what's really far out? Popping the top off a bottle of cough syrup and getting jiggy with it. I'm totally down with trippin on the robo... you know what I'm sayin? If you think you can hang with me and my U.S. Senate G's then get yourself some today. I recommend the cherry flavor"

Then he could smile and try to give a gang sign. Except it would really be like an "OK" symbol over his left nipple. One public service announcement stops this cough syrup thing in its tracks.

Stick with the weed kids.

Walgreens Cuts Maintenance Budget, Local Pimps Mount Protest

.



"We don't actually make a substantial profit on the new product line itself" explained Walgreens CEO Jeffrey A. Rein. "What we've discovered in our test markets however, is that sales of high margin products such as condoms, personal lubricants, and anal plugs experience double digit increases"

Of course I made that quote up. Walgreens doesn't sell anal plugs. Yet.

Thanks to the alert reader who sent in the pic.

A Story Of Unparalled Customer Service. In Your Face Walgreens.

I had been getting the living piss beat out of me for about 9 and a half hours. A customer interrupted the filling of another's prescription to ask if we had a product called "air." I shit you not. If there is a company out there that is dumb enough to name a product "air," I don't want to know about it and will happily blow off anyone wanting to buy it. Then the phone rings. This is the unedited beginning of the conversation:

Me: Thank you for calling corpo-pharmacy, may I help you?

Dumbass: IS THERE A (name of corpo pharmacy chain here) OFF THE LAWRENCE EXPRESSWAY??

Here is a summary of my thoughts over the next two seconds:

Well hello to you too.

There is one highway in this little town. Its name isn't Lawrence.

The nearest city that is big enough to name its highways would be at least 80 miles away.

There is no guarantee that is the city this person is talking about.

Fuck this guy.

"Yeah, you take the first exit after the big overpass, make a right at the light, and it's in the strip center with the McDonalds. " Is what I said. Or something like that. I don't remember exactly, as it was a totally random set of directions for a city that existed only in my mind. If I had been given the name of a real city maybe I would have done better.

The sound the dumbass made before he hung up the phone was something like..."hhhuuurroookk"

I immediately felt bad. What if I just steered some prissy-ass white boy into the ghetto and a carjacking? What if he was trying to get a prescription filled for a kid who didn't know Daddy was both extremely dumb and extremely rude? Crap. Maybe this time the Drugmonkey had gone too far.

Another call about 10 minutes later. "YEAH, I'M AT THE COUNTER HERE AND THIS PHARMACIST SAYS THEY DON'T HAVE MY INSURANCE ON FILE."

He found it. The dumbass fucking found it. I think the key was my mentioning of the McDonalds. "Take a right and look for the McDonalds" just might work in any situation really. I wondered if Burger King might be the key to getting the guy's insurance card to work.

I suppose I could use Google to find out where the Lawrence Expressway is, but at this point I really don't want to know. I also don't want to know where you can buy air.

I hate all people.

Maybe I Really Wouldn't Make The World's Worst Parent, Part 2

THERE'S NO WAY I CAN JUSTIFY THAT MUCH FOR SOME MEDICINE!!!!! Said the selfish milfish Mom. Then the cellphone came out. That wonder of modern life, the cellphone. It can solve any problem by getting you connected right away to a machine that will spend the next 20 minutes telling you how important your call is to it and showing you by not answering it.

It was Sunday. The doctor was out having a life. The cellphone wasn't going to solve this problem either.

ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ELSE YOU CAN GIVE HER THAT'S CHEAPER??!!?? Said the selfish milfish Mom. "Her" in this case being her daughter, who was standing right next to her. The daughter who was hearing all about how Mom couldn't justify paying for the Levaquin that would treat her sinus infection.

I should point out here that Mom's handbag probably cost as much as three or four Levaquin prescriptions. I'll also add that the last time I had a sinus infection, I would have let the doctor cut off my left testicle to get some relief, so I knew the kid was miserable. Think the girl in "Little Miss Sunshine", except maybe 14 years old and past the point of realization that she had no business in a beauty pageant. That was this kid.

After the cellphone failed to solve anything, after being told that matching the right antibiotic to the right bug is a matter of clinical judgment for a prescriber, which is why you have to be examined by a prescriber before you can get an antibiotic, and that no, I, who did not examine anybody, could not just pull the cheapest antibiotic off the shelf and hand it over so you can get those new shoes at Macy's, Mom left in a huff. The daughter came back alone a few minutes later with two boxes in her hand.

One was Airborne. The other was a private brand imitation Airborne. She had a check from Mom to pay for the Levaquin, but if I were to tell her that either of the Airbornes might help, she was prepared to buy one with her own money and forget the Levaquin. If it had been a little quieter in the store you could have heard my heart break for this kid. I know all about trying to win the approval of an irrational parent. I wanted to tell the kid that the good news was that eventually she'd be able to break away from the family that made her feel guilty for being sick.

As it was I told her tactfully that she was past the point where the Airborne would do any good. I didn't mention we're all past the point where Airborne will do us any good. That point doesn't exist. Eating the cardboard box Airborne comes in is equally as effective as taking the tablets that are inside. The kid asked for a pen to make out the selfish milfish Mom's check and I reached into my lab coat and handed her one. I noticed too late it was my Viagra pen. DAMMIT! I never let the Viagra pen anywhere near a customer!! It's the only one I have left! How the hell did it get in my lab coat!!?

A little chuckle as the kid saw the logo. "You could totally sell this on ebay I bet"

"You can have it"

"Really?"

"Sure, I got plenty. Spend this much and you oughta get a free pen"

And the dorky kid with the sinus infection who I knew felt miserable smiled and said thanks.

I think I did OK today.

Highlights From Friday's Pill Counting Action.

It was 9:30 and I was worried. I had taken the usual opening flurry of phone calls, which were, in order, people checking to see if their Vicodin, Valium, Soma, Vicodin and Vicodin were ready to pick up, but none of them were from John. I checked the calendar to make sure it was Friday. Never had I worked at this store on a Friday morning and had John fail to call to check on his Vicodin by now. I briefly considered the possibility that John had finally learned that not once had any of these calls resulted in anything other than "it's a little too soon to fill that John"

Briefly considered the possibility I said. I knew it was more likely that something had happened to John. I hoped he was OK. He really isn't that bad of a guy.

The Friday controlled substance extravaganza continued as the next person at the counter had their prescription denied by their insurance company. It was Friday, so I assumed it was a refill too soon. You know what they say about assume. This one was a "drug not covered"

"But.....but.......what do poor people with no insurance do?" said the customer with the newly acquired interest in his fellow human beings.

"Not get prescriptions for Ambien, that's what they do, because they have to save their money for when they're really sick" was on its way from my brain to my mouth when a recall was issued. I decided if a sleepless weekend was what it took for this man to become aware of the insurance crisis in this country then me being a smartass probably wouldn't help anything. I listened to him as if he were Lou Gehrig telling Yankee stadium he was the luckiest man on earth.

Lady with poison oak: Do you have any recommendations?

Me: Put some hydrocortisone cream on it.

Lady with poison oak: Is there any kind of cream I could put on it?

Sometimes the only reason I don't kill myself dear customer, is that would mean you won.

A call came in around midafternoon. Thank God, John was all right. He's is a plumber you see, and his work took him out of town this week. Walgreens was calling for a transfer of his Vicodin. I told Walgreen's the last date of fill assuming it would sink in.

Me: I don't think you'll want to fill that one.

Walgreens: There are no refills?

Me: There are, but he got a 30 day supply a week ago.

Walgreens: What?

Me: It's too soon to fill. You don't want this one. This guy's got a history.

Walgreens: Can I have your DEA number?

Me: Hang on.

Then I put Walgreens on hold and called John's cellphone. It was way easier to explain to John his prescription was too soon to fill than it was this dumbass at Walgreens. John understood right away. I left Walgreens on hold until they hung up.

Half an hour later I accidentally called someone the name of a famous porn star. Whoops. It was close to the customers actual name though.

Last prescription of the day was a woman who couldn't remember her child's date of birth. She knew it was the 30th. No doubt in her mind on that one. She kept going back and forth as to whether it was January 30th or April 30th though, and she couldn't remember the year for the life of her.

"She's 18 months old" was the best she could do. Maybe I really wouldn't be the world's worst parent.

Oh, and I saved someone from a phenobarbital overdose. They totally would have died if the prescription would have been filled as written. The fact that that felt like the most insignificant part of the day was the main reason it was washed away in a river of scotch.

So I Got An E-Mail From My Editor On Wednesday......

.......I don't really have a point here, I just like going around saying I have an editor.

Which i do. I totally have an editor.

I've decided I'm going to buy a drum machine with my first writing paycheck.

Tonight I Catch George Bush In A Lie. It Really Wasn't That Hard.

Presidential debates are like playoff games for political nerds, and it may shock you to hear I am a bit of a political nerd. So much so that I remember these debates and their highlights long after they have been tossed onto the ash heap of history. Much the same way you may have the image of Carlton Fisk guiding a World Series ball to the right side of the foul pole during the '75 world series burned into your brain, I shall always remember moments such as "you, sir are no Jack Kennedy" and the way that phrase went on to help our team kick Dan Quayle's ass in 1988.

Wait, never mind. It was Carlton Fisk's Red Sox that got their ass kicked the night after that home run. I forgot.

At any rate, it's not just the big moments I remember in these debates. I can clearly recall Al Gore giving George the Lessor some flack about the state of health care in Texas during a debate in 2000. I found George's response more than a bit amusing:

Our CHIPS program got a late start because our government meets only four months out of every two years, Mr. Vice President. It may come as a shock for somebody who has been in Washington for so long. But actually limited government can work in the second largest state in the union.

Sooooo.........Texas got a late start implementing its SCHIP program, a state/federal partnership to provide health insurance to uninsured children, because its legislature is in session only 17% of the time. Hundreds of thousands of children had to wait for the coverage they were eligible for because the members of the Texas legislature couldn't get off their lazy ass.

And the lesson to be learned from this, according to George W. Bush, was that this shows limited government can work. I may have been the only person in the country to get the irony.

And he really did call it the "CHIPS" program. That probably surprises no one. It was really mean to get Erik Estrada's hope for a comeback up like that though.

I buried this memory, along with all others associated with the election in 2000, which will go down someday as the beginning of the end times, until I heard this snippet in Bush the Lessor's Saturday radio address a couple weeks ago:

I strongly supported SCHIP as a governor, and have strongly supported it as President.

This is the kind of shit that drives me crazy. Tee totally bat shit crazy. A lie. A straight out boldface lie. Not spin doctoring or torturing the truth like a high value detainee, but a goddamn lie. Unless you call being unwilling to call the legislature into session strong support, unless you call missing out on $618.2 million the federal government was willing to give your state strong support. Just in case you're not getting this, allow me to bring the "Bullshit Exposure Through Dramatization Players" out quickly to demonstrate what Bush calls "strong support"

Federal Government: "Hi, I'd like to give you six hundred million dollars to help you provide health insurance coverage for your state's children."

Governor Bush: "I support your idea so strongly I will take none of this money"

Jesus Christ I wish Bush would give the troops the same kind of strong support he gives sick children. At least he didn't lie about a blowjob though. It's much better to have a president, the person we hire to run the federal government, lie about matters of federal government policy.

It's also much better to have a media structure where the lead story on the CBS Evening News can be that a lot of people will be traveling over the Thanksgiving holiday and some guy with a computer is exposing the lies of the most powerful person on the planet.

End times indeed. We're fucked.