The Drugmonkey Sells Out

I shit you not my friends. Yours truly has been hard at work on a project that will actually pay me for words I write. I don't want to jinx things until I have an actual check in my hand, so you'll have to wait to hear all the details. I will say, however, that this is bad news for all you freeloaders who have refused to compensate me one bit for everything I have given you over the years. People who give me money get my time before people who don't. I can be very Republican about things like this.

The good news is that the possibility of a bidding war is still open to you. For the right price, I will happily write a blog for your eyes only. And it will be kick-ass. For the right price.

You know where to reach me.

You've Been Good About Putting Up With The Politics. Here Are Some Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action.

I had been in the happy pill room not 5 minutes when someone asked for my opinion. About the new Diet Coke with lime. I figured what the hell, the credibility of five years of college coupled with passing a licensure exam designed for people with six ought to count for something, so I gave him my opinion. I've never had lime flavored Diet Coke in my life, but I told the man it was good stuff. People like it when you keep things positive.

Later on a actual real medical doctor did ask for an actual real medical opinion. My answer was interrupted by a man shouting at the top of his lungs that he needed a carburetor for his car.

It's important to point out here that he specifically said it was for his car, as they started using fuel injectors in place of carburetors in automobiles around the time Reagan became president. It's also worth noting that they were never sold in drugstores. I'm really glad they did away with the glass enclosed pharmacy. Otherwise I would miss out on the carburetor questions and have to listen to the doctors instead.

I am so done with perfect skin woman. She came in today and she had cut her hair. What once was long and flowing to the middle of her back does not now even reach her shoulders. I'm going to grow a big zit in retaliation.

Actual question from an actual customer: "Is tetracycline bad for you?" Someday I will answer such a query with a simple "yes"

I had an actual customer with an actual first name of "Memory." She was dropping off a prescription for Aricept. The prescription was for her mother, but it was still pretty funny. Aricept is for Altzheimers disease.

The lady with the Percocet prescription was in sooooooooooo much pain she had to wait right by the cash register so she could have it as soon as possible. She literally moaned when my keystone tech told her it would be 20 minutes to fill the prescription and begged us to do it sooner because she was in so much pain. Then she parked herself right in front of that cash resister and waited through thick and thin. Through screaming babies and angry fellow customers who didn't appreciate her being 12 inches away. Through phone calls and insurance rebills, through a 10 minute discussion with a man about the best type of water pik to use, faithfully she waited by the cash register.

Until the cashier told her the Percocet was ready. At which point she decided to run to the other side of the store to get some Doritos. I can relate, although the kind of hurt for which I find Doritos to be effective is usually emotional.

Doritos can't hold a candle to the scotch though. And a river of it is now washing away this day.

A Ranting, Right Wing Lunatic Shows Up, And Provides Us All With A Teachable Moment.

Frothing at the mouth conservative crazies aren't like us. They may look like us, they may have opposable thumbs that allow them to use tools and rudimentary language skills that allow them to communicate basic wants, but take my word, they are not human. In an ideal society they would be segregated into separate but unequal facilities far away from the civilization they are trying to destroy, but unfortunately they are running the country at the moment, which means they have to be dealt with.

"But Drugmonkey" I can hear you saying. "I don't like being around them. They're loud, they're weird, they scream a lot and every time I try to go to the bathroom they're waving their hands under the stall at me."

I feel your pain. I didn't write my last post about San Francisco providing the leadership Washington won't to cover it's uninsured with the intention of creating conservative crazy bait, but I really shouldn't be surprised it lured in a few. Two of the best ways to catch a conservative crazy are to use immigration or the idea of government doing anything other than killing people, or for the more moderate, beating their heads in. I did both in that post, and sure enough, here's what I found in my mailbox this morning:

Why do we let sick, useless people into our country anyways? I recall something about, back when our country was great, we didnt just let anyone in. You couldn't be physicaly ill, mentaly ill, you had to have skills, a means to support yourself in your freedom to pursue happiness and you had to learn to speak ENGLISH quickly.

Most of us, however, would remember this from a time "when our country was great." It's carved on a little something called The Statue of Liberty:

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

That is our first lesson about conservative crazies. They have language cognition problems that cause them to see things like "wretched refuse of your teeming shore" and hear "physically and mentally perfect people.....with skills"

You can also count the misspellings and missing apostrophes in the crazy quote and know that this person is committed to learning ENGLISH quickly and well. Knowing the conservative crazy's difficulty with language is key to learning how to deal with them.

Conservative crazies will also have a habit of refuting arguments you didn't make. For example:

I love social Marxists! Everytime these things fail disasterously (Cuba, USSR, Nazi Germany, Venezuela) where socialism is tried, some liberal apologist comes along and says they just didn't do enough.

Wow. Now I'm on the same side as Hitler, Stalin, Fidel, and Hugo Chavez. I must be some sort of genocidal power-mad maniac.

Except all I said was that I want to live in a society where people who are sick can get appropriate medical treatment without bankrupting themselves. Interesting how my conservative crazy didn't mention failed states that have tried to do this, like the UK, France, Germany, all of Scandinavia, Japan, or Canada. Maybe because they didn't fail.

Hypocrisy is also a staple of conservative crazies:

I work for what I have and I'm the only one rresponsible for my health and well being. No one should be entitled to the earnings of another. A BIG dose of self-resonsibillity is what most people need desperately in this country, NOT socialized healthcare

I kept waiting for the part where this person would say that therefore they were going to burn their Medicare card the day it showed up in their mailbox and continue to buy private, non-socialized medical insurance. But that part never came. Conservative crazies are very committed to their ideals. Just not committed enough to take action that would affect their own lives. Kinda like the young Republicans who support the troops by never becoming one.

I will also point out the crazy's commitment to proper ENGLISH is on display here as well. Or maybe the word "responsible" isn't really in the ENGLISH language.

Now if you remain calm while faced with a conservative crazy shoutfest, more often than not the hypocrisy will reach a comic level. Our friend did not fail to disappoint:

btw I have family that immigrated here from Cuba.

So, the same person who presumably will protest socialized medicine by becoming part of a socialized medical system has family roots in Cuba. This same person who thinks immigrants need to be physically fit and mentally healthy, should have skills and learn ENGLISH is from Cuba. Do you know what would happen to someone from Cuba who had leprosy, paranoid schizophrenia, never worked a day in their life, who set foot on American soil and said: "Hi, I'm never going to have a job and I'm never going to learn ENGLISH" Do you know what would happen to that person?

They would immediately be given permanent residency. The conservative crazy thought he could advance his argument that "not just anyone should be let in" by pointing out he has family from a country where all you have to do is show up to be let in.

These are the people running our country my friends. What are you going to do about it?

San Francisco, A Laughable Liberal Loopy-Land Totally Out Of Touch With Mainstream American Values.

American values like if you are sick and not worthy, you should just suffer and/or die. Preferably in a way that does not inconvenience your social betters. From today's New York Times:

Since contracting polio at age 2, Yan Ling Ho has lived with pain for most of her 52 years. After she immigrated here from Hong Kong last year, the soreness in her back and joints proved too debilitating for her to work.

That also meant she did not have health insurance. Not wanting to burden her daughter, who was already paying her living expenses, Ms. Ho delayed doctors’ visits and battled her misery with over-the-counter medications.

“Sometimes the pain was so bad, I would just cry,” she said. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

USA!..... USA!...... USA! The land where if you're rich it's because you deserve it and if you're poor it's because you deserve it. America at the turn of the 21st century is the land of individual responsibility Yan Ling Ho, and if you end up on the wrong side of our kiss-up, kick-down society, then you're just gonna have to get kicked. You probably just came here looking for the glamorous life of an American welfare recipient anyway. Just an immegant who probly dont neven speak English good.

Sound familiar? Of course it does. We all know someone who read that last paragraph and took it seriously. Their ilk has been running the country since the time of Reagan.

Fortunately Yan Ling Ho landed in a place out of touch with mainstream American values. That part wasn't a joke. Back to the Times:

Last month, unable to bear her discomfort any longer, Ms. Ho went to North East Medical Services, a nonprofit community clinic on the edge of Chinatown, and discovered to her delight that she qualified for a new program that offers free or subsidized health care to all 82,000 San Francisco adults without insurance.

The initiative, known as Healthy San Francisco, is the first effort by a locality to guarantee care to all of its uninsured, and it represents the latest attempt by state and local governments to patch a inadequate federal system.

A place that treats pain rather than inflicts it. I'm not sure how much more out of touch with mainstream American values you could get really.

"Fucking liberal Drugmonkey" I hear you saying. "If bleeding heart wussy's like you were in charge, my taxes would be so high I wouldn't bother to work"

Tangerine M. Brigham, the program’s director, projects that it will cost $200 million the first year, and Mr. Newsom expects to finance it without a tax increase. The city already spends about that much on care for the uninsured, and that money will essentially be redirected to Healthy San Francisco.

Wow, Mr. defender of the taxpayer......you could not be more wrong. I'm sure that won't stop your frothing at the mouth though. You see, it costs less cover someone's Advair inhaler than it does to treat them at the ER for status asthmatics, but you don't care about that. If we gave you a shot of truth serum, what we'd find out is that your ranting isn't about taxes at all. What's important to you is to have someone lower on the social ladder to make you feel better about yourself, and if every sick person can get the same treatment as you, then that erodes away some of your self-esteem.

I will remind you though, that many health problems are contagious.

So if you're from Mississippi, Alabama, Tex-ass, or any of the other bastions of red-state America, and you think of California as the land of fruits and nuts, by all means stay away. That includes when you can't afford your Blue Cross premiums anymore and the bird flu comes.

Yan Ling Ho will be covered. You can lie in the bed you made.

The Makers Of Kaopectate Need To Have The Crap Beat Out Of Them.

Kaopectate is effective at relieving diarrhea.

Kaopectate generally produces a bowel movement in 12 to 72 hours.

Kaopectate can be taken to relieve diarrhea cause by antibiotic use.

Kaopectate is not recommended for diarrhea caused by antibiotic use.

I have not lied to you. I can say these things because the asswipes that own the Kaopectate brand name, Chattem, Inc., have taken the original Kaopectate formula containing Attapulgite, which we all knew and loved as the only product to be used for antibiotic-induced diarrhea, and changed it to bismuth subsalicylate, the same ingredient found in Pepto Bismol. Bismuth subsalicylate is not recommended for relief of antibiotic induced diarrhea. It also should not be given to children with viral infections, which will be no source of confusion to people who remember the old "Children's Kaopectate" brand.

Wait, there's more. The caring professionals at Chattem have also decided to change the name of Surfak, a stool softening laxative to........Kaopectate.

So....Kaopectate makes you poop, and Kaopectate stops you from pooping. Clear as mud isn't it?

To be fair, Chattem isn't the only company that does this kind of marketing bullshit.

Maalox is Pepto Bismol as well. Except when it's just regular Maalox.

Remember, you can't give Pepto Bismol to children. unless it's children's Pepto, which is only an antacid, unlike Pepto Bismol, which works as an anti-nausea and anti-diarrheal as well. Proctor & Gamble chose to make this distinction clear by using the same color scheme and font for both Children's Pepto and Pepto Bismol, which are, again, two entirely different products. That's why the labels look almost exactly the same. And they both use the word "Pepto." Because they're different.

Tylenol is also Benadryl, which is also Nytol.

Midol is Tylenol with a dash of caffeine, except when Midol is Advil, or when Midol is Aleve.

Neosporin is Micatin, an effective athlete's foot remedy. Except when it's Neosporin the first aid ointment, which is totally ineffective against athlete's foot.

I could go on all night, but I prefer the simplicity of scotch, which is just scotch.

Goodnight.

So I've Never Been One For Dress-Up Sex Games Really.....

....my sex life to this point has been pretty vanilla.

Key words: To this point.

Tonight, however, I'm writing a certain woman of interest in the g-mail, and notice a solicitation in the personalized ads that appear down the right hand side of the screen to "click here to learn more about cheerleading outfits."

I thought about it and realized that yes, the woman of interest would look completely fucking hot in a varsity sweater and miniskirt. A night of hot sweaty sex could be the result of just that outfit alone.

So it would seem that Google knows me better than I know myself. I can't help but to be a little frightened by this.

Frightened, but still very much aroused.

Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action

The day started with the following conversation overheard while I was preparing the happy pill room for the day's business:

Customer: WHERE ARE THE EAR PLUGS?

Assistant Manager: "Aisle four sir, on the right."

"WHAT?"

"Aisle 4, the one without a number, on the right"

"WHAT?"

"I'll show you."

"HUH?"

The earplugs, I fear, were coming far too late.

I long ago reached an understanding with the asshole who will interrupt me filling your prescription to ask where the paper plates are. Quite simply, that person is more important than you, and their desire to not look for products while shopping is more important than your well being. You should understand this as well. I do not, however, comprehend the person who feels the need to stop the prescription filling process to tell me they found something. Something that they did not ask me for any help locating. This person has wasted their own time as well as mine, and it happened twice today.

What has really saddened me this day though was my call to the Caremark help desk shortly before closing. It went something like this:

THANK YOU FOR CALLING CAREMARK!!!!! MY NAME IS HEATHER!!!! HOW CAN I HELP YOU???!!!!

Heather was perky, happy, polite, and courteous. She totally sounded like a Heather. It broke my heart.

At one point she apologized for some computer delay;

"No problem, it'll give me a chance to get some rest" I said with my Drugmonkey wit.

Heather giggled. "Yup...we all need to get our rest" she said, and I knew she was blonde and that it was her first day on the job.

Soon Heather's soul will be crushed by the likes of Drugmonkeys, Angry Pharmacists, and Angriest Pharmacists repeating what Angry Pharmacists said in slightly different ways. Because Heather works for an industry that is the spawn of Satan, and Heather doesn't realize this yet. I'm worried about Heather.

This was, of course, all played out against a constant background chorus of "IT'LL BE HOW LONG??"

You know what's next. It's scotch time. I hope the Angriest Pharmacist doesn't rip off this post.

Cunnilingus Gone Horribly Wrong.

An actual warning from the actual label of the Today Vaginal Contraceptive Sponge:

If swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away.

I shudder to think why this warning was necessary.

"Hello, Poison Control Center? I just swallowed a vaginal sponge. "

Poison Control Center: "Don't worry sir, contact with a small amount of the spermicide used in the sponge in the upper GI tract is unlikely to cause anything other than local irritation."

"No, I swallowed it. The whole thing."

"Yet somehow you managed to find and correctly dial our telephone number"

"Am I going to die?"

"With any luck"

The Depressed Child Is So 1990's

I remember as a young Drugmonkey extern my amazement when I saw the mental health ward of the hospital to which I had been assigned. This was nothing like the state institution in my previous rotation, with it's leaky pipes, drafty windows, and underpadded rubber room that made the screams of the violently mentally ill clearly audible to those of us in the pharmacy below trying to fill carts. What I saw in front of me today was a clean, new, modern apartment with all the amenities life in 1991 could offer. I seriously considered for a second trying to convince one of the doctors I was bipolar so I could finally get out of my parents house and into one of these prime cribs.

"It has to do with insurance" My preceptor told me. "A lot of plans are very lucrative for short term inpatient mental health care" and the hospital has decided to compete for these patients."

He also told me that in his opinion, financial pressures were leading to overdiagnosis of mental health problems in children and adolescents.

Well times certainly have changed. No one talks about lucrative heath insurance plans in 2007. Not to mention the focus on professionalism and integrity throughout our reformed health care system completely ensures that financial pressures in no way shape the type of medical care a patient receives today. Proof comes in Today's New York Times:

The number of American children and adolescents treated for bipolar disorder increased 40-fold from 1994 to 2003, researchers report today in the most comprehensive study of the controversial diagnosis.

Experts say the number has almost certainly risen further since 2003.

Holy Crap! We must be in the middle of a friggin bipolar pandemic!!!! I mean, there's no way financial pressures would have anything to do with this in today's reformed health care system.

The spread of the diagnosis is a boon to drug makers, some psychiatrists point out, because treatments typically include medications that can be three to five times more expensive than those for other disorders like depression or anxiety.

Oh, I forgot. The health care system hasn't been reformed.

Most children who qualify for the diagnosis do not proceed to develop the classic features of adult bipolar disorder like mania, researchers have found. They are far more likely to become depressed.

One explanation for this would be that they were depressed in the first place. Just sayin' that's a theory that might be worth checking out.

Drug makers and company-sponsored psychiatrists have been encouraging doctors to look for the disorder since several drugs were approved to treat it in adults.

What? Would a drug company do something like this? Actually try to influence a doctors practice of medicine in a way that would enhance the value of their stock?

“We are just inundated with stuff from drug companies, publications, throwaways, that tell us six ways from Sunday that, Oh my God, we’re missing bipolar,” said Dr. Gabrielle Carlson, a professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Stony Brook University School of Medicine on Long Island. “And if you’re a parent with a difficult child, you go online, and there’s a Web site for bipolar, and you think: ‘Thank God, I’ve found a diagnosis. I’ve found a home.’ ”

You know the answer. The sun will rise in the east tomorrow, water will flow downhill, and corporations are about nothing other than raising their stock price.

I was 15 years ahead of my time. Looks like I might not have that much trouble today with my scheme to get away from Mom and Dad. Of course the nice hospital apartments are gone. A handful of Risperdal and 20 pounds of fat around the middle would be all it would get me today.

I'll bet the rubber room in the state institution hasn't changed though.

Dear Customer, Why Must You Get My Hopes Up, Only To Dash Them So Cruelly?

You said you would be in the pharmacy waiting area "holding your breath" until your prescription was ready. Those were your exact words, and they excited me. After you came to the counter, and my keystone tech explained to you that the prescription your doctor phoned in wasn't ready because you were a new customer and therefore none of your information was on file, and then you said:

"Well then why didn't you call me?"

I saw my chance. The human brain cannot live without oxygen for more than approximately four minutes, so by carefully checking, double checking, rechecking, and verifying everything about your prescription over the course of the next half hour, I knew you would be dead, and the world would be rid of someone too dense to realize "none of your information on file" would mean that short of divine intervention, no one in the pharmacy would have known your phone number.

Yet at the end of this half hour I looked out at the waiting room and you were still alive. You lied to me, just like all the customers who promise never to come back to my pharmacy only to return the next month and break my heart.

On the other hand maybe you're not a liar........ maybe you're not actually a human at all, but some sort of whale-beast that can close their blowhole and not actively breathe for lengths of time Homo Sapiens can only dream of. You were rather large.

Anyway, you got your Soma, and we got your phone number, so we'll be sure to call you in 10 days to let you know your request for refill is too soon.

Have a good weekend.