Michael Moore Update: Forget What I Wrote Earlier. I Will Marry Him Right Now.

I wrote in my last post about Mike that I was tired of being the insurance industry's little bitch boy.

I'm also tired of liberals being spineless, afraid-to-be impolite-or-offend pansies, of the people on my side getting steamrolled by illiterate demagogues because we think to raise our voice is to cheapen the debate.

I'm tired of liberals being afraid to even call themselves liberals. I'm a liberal. You got a problem with that bitch?

I'm tired of the hatchet jobs that are passed off as news by today's newstainment media. Did you know that if you were actually in the crowd that witnessed the scream that ended Howard Dean's presidential campaign, chances are you didn't hear it? Of course you didn't. Because a soundman for the newstainment industry isolated the feed from Dean's microphone, amplified it, spliced it onto the nightly news feed that goes out to all the sheep, and all the sheep obediently forgot about everything Dean stood for and had a good laugh. Were you one of the sheep?

Ever since that moment I have had a longing to see the producers of one of those hatchet job news pieces get their ass handed to them on a platter.

Click below to see CNN get their ass handed to them on a platter.



Here are CNN's lies Mike promises to post in that video.

We've been quiet too long my friends.

Perhaps I Should Have Gone The Extra Year For My PharmD. Degree.

It wasn't the first question the customer had that stumped me. He said he was going to Yosemite and wanted to know what he should get in case he came across some poison oak. Wake me up out of the coma-like sleep you will likely find me in most days around noontime and I would be able to answer this one before fully waking; "Hydrocortisone cream and Claritin" So far so good.

It was the next question that stumped me. The customer now wanted to know about bears. Namely, what he could buy to prevent a bear attack. I seriously think he was convinced a bear might be waiting for him at the park's entrance station. I went over the options in my mind:


Tylenol- May be useful after an encounter with a bear. Like maybe if the bear knocked you down while he was running away from something else.

Benadryl- Not so much.

Milk of Magnesia- Not quick acting enough to distract a bear intent on mauling you for your picnic basket.

I briefly considered Neosporin, like maybe filling a bathtub full of it, before realizing that again, this would come into play post bear attack.

Even the new wonder drug Alli would be of little use. I don't think you'd need much help shitting your pants if you were face to face with a bear.

In the end I advised the customer, who I should add was doing his camping at the Yosemite Lodge, that the best course of action would be to take basic precautions to minimize the likelihood of a bear encounter, like not keeping any trash in your car, and sticking to places bears are likely to avoid, like the area around Yosemite Lodge, which when I was there had the feel of midtown Manhattan with a waterfall in the backyard.

The customer and I both ended the conversation with the feeling we had just talked to one of the stupidest people on earth. I really should have gone for the PharmD.

My Employer Hates America.

First it was insulting Jesus by having me work on his birthday.

Although really, being an atheist, that shouldn't have been a problem for me.

But then, they insulted our troops by forcing me to work on Memorial Day.

Actually, I don't have a problem with insulting the troops either.

But now......now......the corporate suits that write my paycheck have gone too far. They have insulted each and every one of us. You, your family, your pets, and most importantly, me, by having The Drugmonkey sling pills on the birthday of the country that belongs to us all, even Christians and troops. Obviously my employer longs to reverse history and would have us all living under the tyranny represented by the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Imagine.....imagine! Forcing me to engage in shameless commerce on the day set aside to honor this great nation.

Press Conference by the President
Indian Treaty Room

December 20, 2006

"......The unemployment rate has remained low, at 4.5 percent. A recent report on retail sales shows a strong beginning to the holiday shopping season across the country -- and I encourage you all to go shopping more."

Fuck. I suppose I shouldn't be making any plans for Labor Day either.

One More Reason Your Prescription Might Take So Damn Long To Fill.

One of the things that makes me special is my ability to do DUR. It's important stuff, this Drug Utilization Review, where I look over what you're getting, check it against your allergies, your other meds, your health conditions......actually it's where the computer looks all that stuff over and draws my attention to anything that might be a problem. Problems like this one, which was just added to our clinical database this month:

"Yaz oral tablets should be used with extreme caution in child bearing aged females."

This sounds like serious stuff. Indeed, it is serious enough that the pharmacist, and only the pharmacist, has to override this warning with a special code to allow the prescription to be dispensed. Some of you out there may take comfort in knowing that corpo pharmacy is looking out for you like this. Others of you know that Yaz is an oral contraceptive.

The computer is warning me to use extreme caution when filling a birth control prescription for a woman of child bearing age. And this warning must be overridden. Every.......single.......time. I would let you know what the computer thought about dispensing birth control to an 80 year old woman, except that, birth control tablets aren't as a rule given to women not of child bearing age you know. There are equally worthy computer generated warnings to override on the majority of prescriptions I fill.

A memo from corporate headquarters came today that said this month's customer service focus will be on having prescriptions ready when promised. I have made none of this up.

If Michael Moore Were 200 Pounds Lighter And I Were Gay, I Would Marry Him.

Two reasons for anyone in the profession to go see Moore's latest film, "Sicko."

1) Mike's visit to a British pharmacy, whereupon he asks the pharmacist where the laundry detergent is. "I've studied far too long to worry about your laundry" answers the man who is treated as a health care professional in his country. I wanted to stand up and let out a "HELL YEAH!"

2) The interview with the woman who worked the phones for a major health insurance company. Now I'm working from memory here, so cut me some slack, but at one point she breaks down crying and says something to the effect of "that's the reason I was such a bitch on the phone, I didn't want to get to know these people, or their stories"

She didn't want to get to know them because it was her job to deny them coverage. To those of you in the profession, does that sound familiar? Does it? That woman hit home to me. There's a reason the Drugmonkey is such a bitch....I mean ass... at times, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of telling people their meds aren't covered. I went to school because I thought it would be neat to learn things like Altace blocks the production of angiotensin converting enzyme, while Benicar blocks the receptors the enzyme binds to in your body. In the world of for profit medicine however, all I need to know is that Altace is covered and Benicar is not.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the bitch....I mean asshole.... whose primary function is to act as a Sherpa guide to a paid insurance claim. That's not why I went to school. I didn't go to tell you where the fucking laundry detergent is either.

So anyway, go see the film. If for no other reason than to spend a couple hours in a world where you can actually practice your profession. I think you'll like the British doctor who gets paid according to *gasp* how well he practices medicine. Not to mention the cruise into Guantanamo Bay.

And if the movie leaves you wanting more, make an effort to find the presidential mosh pit from Mike's TV show "The Awful Truth" a few years back. The presidential mosh pit may very well be the most classic moment ever on American television.

So I Needed Some Earplugs Because It Was So Hot.

This may be less than obvious to those of you who don't live in my condo complex. You see, hot weather means sleeping with the windows open in my part of the country. Actual hot weather occurs so rarely here no one bothers with air conditioning. Hot weather also must bring out the amorous desires in my downstairs neighbors, who were fucking like animals on this warm summer night. Also with the windows open.

I admit it was cool at first. My neighbors wife is not an unattractive lady. After awhile though, her journeys to orgasm just served to remind me I wasn't getting any tonight while that fat slob of a husband of hers was. So I did what any reasonable person would do. I went to the Pharmacy America Trusts at 2 in the morning seeking something to stick in my ears to block out the sounds of copulation. I gotta give the fat slob credit. He can keep it going a long time.

It took me awhile to realize the store was eerily quiet. It was the middle of the night, and some eeriness is to be expected. The lack of human presence in this outpost of America's largest corpo-pharmacy chain continued as I approached the checkout counter however. Then I remembered the typical labor budget for these type of establishments. They may very well have scheduled no actual employees for a few hours in order to cut payroll costs. If this sounds odd to you, then obviously you do not have a business education. Cutting labor cost is the single most important function of any manager. Far more so than doing anything to increase sales. I remembered this and did the big "W" a favor by stuffing the earplugs in my pocket and walking out the door. The total labor cost to them of my visit was $0. I imagined the store manager doing a little happy dance upon hearing this news.

On the way out the door a homeless dude asked me for any spare change. I let him know no one was minding the store and there were things in there way better than spare change. I saw him go inside as I got in my car. I hope he didn't cost the store any labor dollars either.

Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action.

Prescription filling is serious business, and I appreciate customers who can understand this. You can imagine how my heart leapt for joy then when my day started with a customer waving his prescription paper at me from afar. Like way afar. Like other side of the store afar. This man obviously wanted to let me know his prescription was not to be taken lightly as he continued to signal me with his prescription all the way up to the counter. He had a smile on his face that indicated he was proud of himself for making it to the drop off window. Perhaps I should have been signaling him back, guiding him in. I fear I may have missed an opportunity for customer service.

The next customer took her purchases very seriously as well. Unfortunately they were toothpicks. It was very, very important that I write the manufacturer of the house brand of toothpicks to inform them they did not glide between the teeth as well as the brand the woman was used to. I looked at her like she was hablaing Espanol. Even though she wasn't hablaing Espanol, there was much I didn't understand.

Things started to look up when I realized the mirror on the reading glasses display had been tilted perfectly to an angle where I could see the cleavage of every woman trying on a pair. Of glasses that is. I soon realized however, I would be watching the cleavage of women who were old enough to be buying reading glasses. Oh well. I've always been more of a hair freak anyway. Chicks don't seem to mind as much when you stare at their hair. You can easily pretend to be looking them in the eyes.

I was told over and over again by a very upset customer with little else on her mind that my corpro-pharma employer was making a grave mistake by not offering a new mother discount on prescriptions. I called the competitor who offered this discount to find my regular price was two dollars less than their marked down one. The new mother had awful looking hair.

Last question of the day: "I just ordered this prescription from Caremark. Will it still come?"

I'm feeling pretty good about that college education tonight. Release the scotch.

Drug Topics: The Mockable Magazine Gift That Keeps On Giving.

An actual picture from an actual cover of the most widely circulated trade mag in the industry:


Pharmacy God: You came in just in time ma'am. I can see you are not well. I will help you. Yes. I will help you!

Customer:¿no es usted lejos de su jaula hombre asustadizo?
(aren't you a long way from your cage scary man?)

Pharmacy God: My God, it's worse that I feared. You obviously have a fever that is causing you to speak incoherently. You must take these cold pills for temporary symptom relief now! You must!

Customer:¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño? Vine solamente utilizar el cuarto de baño.
(Where is the bathroom? I only came to use the bathroom.)

Pharmacy God: Oh cruel fate! Damn you! You have given me unlimited knowledge of the world of mucus-thinning products, but have conspired to keep me from sharing this vital information with those who need it most!

Customer: pronto haré pis en su piso
(I will soon pee on your floor)

Pharmacy God: So....you can't understand me? Not a word? Then I must tell you something, although you will never know. I must tell you.

The customer stares at Pharmacy God with a look of increasing urgency in her eyes.

Pharmacy God: Your breasts. I will always admire your breasts. Now I fear we must part ways forever.

The customer then creates a puddle of urine on the store floor. The Pharmacy God is flattered. The urine remains on the floor for an hour until the store's intern returns from lunch. The intern was bilingual.

I however, am not. Any errors in translation should be blamed on babelfish

Good Lord, It's Like Someone Designed A News Story Just For This Blog

From the website of Democracy Now!, which I've told you before is a broadcast you should be listening to every day:

Military Forced to Pull Misleading Recruiting Ad

ABC News is reporting the U.S. Army has been forced to pull a television recruitment ad aimed at African-American recruits because it inaccurately claimed the Army can train recruits to become pharmacists. David Work, the former president of The National Association of Boards of Pharmacy, accused the Army of purposely lying in an attempt to recruit teenagers. A new version of the ad replaces the word "pharmacist" with "health care technician." The commercial was produced by the advertising agency Casanova Pendrill.

Take a look for yourself:



This calls for an immediate deployment of The Bullshit Exposure Through Dramatization Players, with a production of:

You're A Pharmacist Now Soldier Boy

Chris Rock once said that every town has two shopping malls, the one where the white people go and the one where the white people used to go. This play opens in the shopping mall where the white people used to go. A young man is walking by an army recruitment center on his way to drowning his sorrows at the food court.

Army Recruiter: Hello there young fellow, why so glum?

High School Senior: I'm sad. My application for pharmacy school was rejected. I worked so hard for that "C+" in "Math For The Real World" but I guess that wasn't good enough for Ohio Northern University. I thought Ohio Northern University took anyone.

Recruiter, (acting genuinely surprised): Wow. So did I. (snapping out of it) Well we can turn that frown upside down young man. Just sign here and the Army will make you a pharmacist. It says so right here in this commercial, take a look.

High School Senior: Will it be faster than those classes that Sally Struthers advertises at 3 in the morning? It has been my lifelong dream to be a pharmacist, but if it takes longer than 6 months, I'll probably just try to get some construction work.

Recruiter: We'll have you through basic training in 9 weeks son, and after that you can do whatever you want with the drugs.

The scene now shifts to Faluja, Iraq, a year later, where our high school senior is now a Private First Class. Our Private Pharmacist is on patrol in an un-uparmored Humvee.

Private Pharmacist, (said between occasional bursts of fire from his M-16 rifle): "Wow. Being a pharmacist is a lot different than I imagined."

Squad Leader: What the fuck are you talking about whack job?

Soldier #1: INCOMING!!!!!!!

Private Pharmacist: That's why I joined the Army, so I could be a pharmacist. As soon as we're done killing people here, I've got a job lined up at CVS making over $100 grand a year. That must be why pharmacists make so much, because pharmacists are trained to be cold blooded killers.

Soldier #2: You're a pharmacist huh? Why the hell is my copay so high? And why does it take so damn long to get my prescription filled?

Private Pharmacist: Wow. I am now officially living my dream. Ask me again!

An IED then destroys the Humvee carrying Private Pharmacist, who dies instantly, secure in the knowledge he was the best pharmacist ever. And so it goes.

Pharmacists For Life International Answers My Prayers. Finally, A Hate Mail That Is The Slightest Bit Entertaining.

My first step towards receiving Al Franken quality hate mail rolled into my e-mail box on the last Sabbath, which also happened to be gay pride day:

Subject: Is that it?

Dude...you have some serious issues including a LOT of hate in your house.

Your comments border on inciting violence and hatred against some very good people.

Do you hate all health professionals or just those with a sense
of right and wrong?

You poor, poor soul, thanks for the new material for our Hate Mail section.

Have a blessed day!

PFLI PharmAid Center

PS We will be passing on your hated filled invective to the authorities for further review and investigation for a potential hate crime

Irony Alert. The organization that mocked victims of genocide and likens Planned Parenthood to the Ku Klux Klan says I have a problem with hate. Take a look at their website and it won't take long to see their real problem with me evidently is that I do the hate so much better than they do.

Of course what makes the hate mail is the promise of referring me to the authorities. I'm pretty sure I never heard anyone threaten to turn in Al Franken to the authorities. Sweet. I am also sad to report PFLI has completely followed through on this. At the crack of dawn this morning there was a large man from United Parcel Service banging on the front door demanding my attention. Lesson learned. Don't piss off the aggressively ignorant Christians, or they will arrange for your Amazon.com orders to be delivered in a manner that will interrupt your sleep.

They also might bomb your clinic. Keep an eye on the Christians.