Friday, November 28, 2008

Wal-Mart. Low Prices To Die For.

NEW YORK (AP) — A Wal-Mart worker was killed Friday when "out-of-control" shoppers desperate for bargains broke down the doors at a 5 a.m. sale. Other workers were trampled as they tried to rescue the man, and customers shouted angrily and kept shopping when store officials said they were closing because of the death, police and witnesses said.


So, I've thought a lot about dying ever since I got my pharmacy license, and up until today I would have said drowning would be the worst way to go.  Getting trampled by the type of people who get excited by a sale at Wal-Mart however, would definitely be worse than drowning.

Items on sale at the store included a Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV for $798, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28, a Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera for $69 and DVDs such as "The Incredible Hulk" for $9.


Yeah, If I'm gonna get trampled, I would at least want to be trampled by people who like movies that don't suck. I suppose getting trampled by people who actually read books would be too much to ask.

In what I would nominate as the most insincere statement ever, Wal-Mart Senior Vice President Hank Mullany had this to say:

Despite all of our precautions, this unfortunate event occurred, our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of those impacted.


How eloquent and touching. Especially the part where the first thing mentioned is the (ineffective) precautions taken. I can only dream that my eulogy will be framed in such a way that seems to imply the thoughts and prayers going out to my family are mostly concerned that they will be open to a quick out of court settlement.

Civilization is doomed. That is a pretty good deal an a vacuum cleaner though.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

It Rained Today.

So because it rained I got out the umbrella. It'd been a long time since I thought about the umbrella.

Never really.

But today I noticed the umbrella looked as tired and as old as I feel some mornings when I leave for work. I noticed the parts that faced up towards the car window and took the beating of the summer sun were faded, which gave the umbrella an unintentional two-tone look. And I thought about the rainy day in Pennsylvania. 

The rainy day in Pennsylvania when I was young and newlywed and honeymooning. Privileged and educated and nearer to the top of society than I'm sure my grandfather who couldn't write his name ever would have thought a grandson of his would be. Normal. If you would have known me on that rainy day in Pennsylvania in 1994 you most certainly would have thought me normal. 

I might even have been happy. I don't really remember. Other than going into an outlet store with my new wife and picking out an umbrella that would be big enough for both of us I really don't remember a lot about that day. The umbrella is a time capsule from another world. I know I was there, but damn if I remember a lot about it. I look at wedding pictures and I wonder who that normal looking guy is in there. 

'Cause I don't feel so normal anymore. I haven't for a long time. It really is a big-ass umbrella though. 

Thanksgiving is the hardest day of the year to not feel normal. That's why I've always worked them. My employer screwed me this year though by closing for the holiday, but that's not your concern. I'm just writing this to let  you know if you ever see someone doing something weird like sitting around and staring at an umbrella, sometimes that's the kind of thing that's going through their mind. 

I should try to get some sleep. Even though the sleep helps less and less, I should try. 


Sunday, November 23, 2008

Screw This. I'm Gonna Go Look For Some Gold.


I've decided I'm gonna become a professional gold miner. Seriously. There's no way they've gone over every inch of California since the original gold rush. Back in 1849 people were shorter, they didn't have access to the variety of foods to provide vitamins and energy that we have today, and they didn't have cell phones. Think how much more efficient a modern gold miner could be! I'm sure there still has to be a big chunk of gold out there somewhere, but I'm not greedy.  At current prices I would only need to find like 5 ounces a month to have enough money to get by. How the hell hard could that be? Five fucking ounces! 

The hours would also be very agreeable. Basically, anytime there's daylight. Once I find my first ounce, I'll buy one of those little headlamp thingys and have 24/7 capability. I suppose I'll need one of those pans or something too. 

And if worse comes to worse, and all I find is fools gold, then I'll just find some fool to sell it to. One thing my pharmacy career has taught me is that there is no shortage of fools. I'm gonna head to the Sierra Foothills as soon as I sober up. I'll try not to laugh at you suckers when I'm rich. 

UPDATE, 3:14 AM- So far I have checked both under my bed and in the hall closet, and I have found no gold. It may be because I do not yet have one of those pans. Should these disappointing results continue, I may be forced to expand my search to silver, or perhaps uranium if I can get a good market price. 

Highlights From Friday's Pill Counting Action.

I started the workday pledged to have a new attitude. A realization snapped into my brain during the morning commute that there are kids working their ass off at college campuses across this nation hoping only to eventually have the chance to do exactly what I would be doing this day. Today, I told myself, I will honor their commitment, their hard work, and most of all their dreams. I would be a good pharmacist. I would cherish this workday. 

First question: "What's the best way to remove hair from around my anus?" 

Second question, asked in the thickest of French accents:

 "Yes.....if I uh...kiss ze woman, who has smoked ze pot.....then I take ze, how do you say? Drug test? Do I fail?"

Yes indeed, my new attitude was paying off. Thank you pharmacy students of America, for providing me with the inspiration to get through this. 

I glanced down the cleaning aisle quickly while taking a phone-in prescription and saw what appeared to be a man flossing his ass with a feather duster. It was shaping up to be an anal kinda day. 

Me: "We'll have to send a fax over to your doctor's office to see if we can get you some more refills"

Customer: "But she has insurance to cover that."

Really. I didn't realize they sold those types of insurance policies, seeing as how a policy like that would be pretty pointless. Seriously, if you're paying an insurance company a premium to cover the expense of doctor refill faxes, you're totally getting ripped off. 

In non-pharmacy related store highlights, a customer parked their car in front of the store's front door and laid on the horn. And laid on the horn. And laid.......on the horn. That horn got laid the way I get laid only in my dreams. An employee went outside to investigate and was presented with a demand to go back inside and get the customer some cigarettes. Reports indicate the customer was using an oxygen tank. 

That's way you stay in school pharmacy students of America. Because it's better to answer questions about anal hair removal than it is to fetch an emphysema sufferers' next pack of cigarettes. I think. 

As the sun set over the parking lot of my happy pill room, I took a phone call from a customer very upset that someone had stolen their medication. Friday night, stolen medication. I started to scan over the customer's profile looking for the Vicodin and/or Soma that would be too early to fill. Nope. Today was anal day:

"THE ONE THAT CAME IN THE BIG JUG! THAT'S THE ONE I NEED!!!"

"We filled that for you in April ma'am."

"I NEED IT!!!!!"

The customer was talking about a prescription for GoLytely.  For those of you not in the profession, I'll tell you that the person who came up with the name "GoLytely" did it with the sole purpose of being cruel. GoLytely is indicated "for bowel cleansing prior to colonoscopy and barium enema X-ray examination." You take it the night before your examination so there's no poop in your colon any pre-cancerous lesions can hide behind, and you will not, my friends, go lightly. Columnist Dave Barry once described his experience with a similar product:

 
I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


Me: "Are you having another colonoscopy ma'am?"

"NO!! I NEED IT!!! IT WAS STOLEN!!!"

"Are you maybe thinking of another medication?"

"FUCK YOU!!!! I NEED IT!!!! ARE YOU GOING TO FILL IT OR NOT????"

"No, I'm not."

"ASSHOLE!!!!.........ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME????"

"Yes. Yes I am."

And that, my friends, was the anal coup de grâce of my anal kinda day. A day that saw thousands of pharmacy students across this land doing everything in their power to someday stand in my shoes. Pharmacy students to whom I can say only one thing: 

You are completely insane.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

It's A Small World After All.

And in that small world we don't all speak the same language. Which can be a problem when you've gone through 17 years of school that prepared you to help the public while simultaneously pretending 100% of the public speaks English. 

Problems can be dealt with tough, in a variety of ways, some effective, some not so much. I have a rather.....um....non-keystone tech who chooses to deal with a language barrier by, and I'm totally not making this up, adding the letter "O" to every other word and speaking at twice her normal volume. I was on the phone this afternoon and heard this in the background:

PRESCRIPTIONO????

NUEVO CUSTOMER???

Um.....yeah....I appreciate your effort here...... But maybe we should call for José......

Which was done. In response one of 5 people on the planet who may be whiter than myself showed up. 

"No, we were calling José. We need a translator"

"I know. He 's out to lunch, but I had a year of Spanish in high school" 

My hopes were not high, but I let her take a shot. "Ask him if he's filled prescriptions here before or if this is the first time" This is what the translator said. Again, I am making nothing up:

"Ummm.....es usted Nuevo Customer?"

The main distinction that makes a person a translator in my store would seem to be one of volume only. The translator was dismissed, I spent a good 5 minutes looking for my "Spanish For Healthcare Professionals" book, and with a lot of pointing to various phrases, the prescription was filled. Which was fine this time, but made me realize that my lingual skills are not nearly cunning enough. I'm thinking of maybe taking some classes to become a more cunning linguist.

Although I've heard there is no substitute for practice if you wanna be a cunning linguist. I've also heard it's a lot of fun. I don't know what I'm waiting for.  

Thursday, November 20, 2008

One Reason Why What You Did On Election Day Was Only The Beginning Of Your Work.

From the November 14th edition of The Washington Times. That's right. I said The Washington Times. Sometimes it pays to keep your enemies close:


The nation's largest pharmaceutical lobbying group is preparing a multimillion-dollar public relations campaign to tout the importance of free-market health care and undercut an expected push by the Obama administration for price controls of prescription drugs.

The effort, which will include a national television commercial scheduled to begin airing next week, is the first salvo in what likely will be a huge battle over health care reform during the Obama presidency.

Other major industries are also gearing up for the fight, including big businesses and insurance companies.

You really didn't think they were going to go away did you? Think of it as good news, in that we'll have an opportunity to continue kicking their ass.


PhRMA says its upcoming advertisement, which will feature TV talk show host and PhRMA spokesman Montel Williams, doesn't criticize the pending Obama administration or any of its health care proposals.

"We're going to do an ad campaign that is designed to make people aware of the importance of preserving your free-market health care system," Mr. Johnson said.


I'm going to pass over the obvious joke that is Montel Williams expecting to be taken seriously about anything. Because there is a far more important point here.

THE IMPORTANCE OF PRESERVING YOUR FREE-MARKET HEALTH CARE SYSTEM? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The importance of the United States having fewer doctors, fewer nurses, and fewer hospital beds per capita than the average country in the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development?

The importance of a system that results in significantly higher rates of chronic, preventable disease than the epicenter of socialized medicine, The United Kingdom?

The importance of preserving a system that gives us the 45th highest life expectancy in the world?

All while spending more on per capita health care than any country in the world? Is that what's so important? Continuing to spend more and get less? Because that really doesn't seem like that's very important to me.

Giving Medicare the authority to negotiate drug prices - a provision that they currently don't have - would cause the pharmaceutical industry to lose $10 billion to $30 billion in annual revenues, according to a report released last month by the Boston Consulting Group.

"If you start to take a pretty big price decrease out of that large market, it has an enormous impact on drug companies and really their ability to generate their type of shareholder return that they have had in the past," said Peter Lawyer, a senior partner with Boston Consulting.


Oooooooooohhhhh......I see what's so important now. I was working off the assumption that the function of a health care system was to maximize health. Stupid me. How could I have forgotten it is always.....always.....about generating shareholder return.

Remember that if you or someone you love ends up in the ER with a heart attack. It's nothing but an opportunity to generate shareholder return. Why would we want to change that? Because that shareholder return provides money for research and development some of you are saying. Wrong.


A new study by two York University researchers estimates the U.S. pharmaceutical industry spends almost twice as much on promotion as it does on research and development, contrary to the industry’s claim.


Once we know the facts about our current health care system, changing it will be a no brainer. Which is why Big Pharma is about to do everything in their power to keep you from knowing the facts.

Maybe Montel Williams is the only person they could find who'd lower himself enough to take the job. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

One Reason Why What You Did On Election Day Was So Important.

From Tuesday's New York Times:

WASHINGTON — A last-minute Bush administration plan to grant sweeping new protections to health care providers who oppose abortion and other procedures on religious or moral grounds has provoked a torrent of objections, including a strenuous protest from the government agency that enforces job discrimination laws.

The proposed rule would prohibit recipients of federal money from discriminating against doctors, nurses and other health care workers who refuse to perform or to assist in the performance of abortions or sterilization procedures because of their “religious beliefs or moral convictions.”


You know what? It's against my religious beliefs and moral convictions to get off my ass and go fill any prescriptions today. Because I am morally and ethically opposed to fat, ugly, people like my customers.

I'm getting off point though. Had you not done what you did on Election Day my friends, this wouldn't have been a last minute rule change.

But three officials from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, including its legal counsel, whom President Bush appointed, said the proposal would overturn 40 years of civil rights law prohibiting job discrimination based on religion.


Had you not done what you did on Election Day my friends, we would not be at a point where President Wanker has lost control of his own political appointees.

Pharmacies said the rule would allow their employees to refuse to fill prescriptions for contraceptives... State officials said the rule could void state laws that require insurance plans to cover contraceptives and require hospitals to offer emergency contraception to rape victims.


Had you not done what you did on Election Day my friends, I may have been stuck working with a Lloyd Duplantis wannabe at some point in the future, whom I would have had to then beaten the shit out of. Thank you, voters of America, for keeping me out of jail.

Because, voters of America, President Obama.....that's right....I said Pres-i-dent O-bama...will undo this regulatory turd, but had you not done what you did on Election Day, this turd would not have been the last gasp of Bush The Lessor. It would have been him passing on the turd baton to a whole new crop of women haters.

I thank you.  Future rape survivors probably thank you as well.

Bayer Pharmaceuticals Sends Me A Message That Warms My Stone Cold Heart.

It came in the form of an ad In Drug Topics to mark National Pharmacist's Month. Or National Pharmacists Appreciation Month. Or something. Whatever it was it was in October. The ad made it off my pile of unread mail yesterday:






The text on the right is the usual blah blah blah about pharmacists being the most trusted of professionals, which I don't think we are anymore by the way, the gatekeepers of healthcare...yadda yadda yadda....but then there's the disconnect at the end which you can probably make out:

Thank you, Pharmacists. We couldn't have done it without you.


Um, I don't want to appear ungrateful when presented with such a heartfelt token of your appreciation of me, but I do have to ask, because you don't really say....

You couldn't have done what without me exactly? Slightly changed the formula of Yasmin as it was about to go off patent?

I'm pretty sure you did that without me.

Obtain a couple new indications for your *cough* new oral contraceptive, and then not bother to get the same indications for the slightly different version that was about ready to lose its patent protection?

Again, I wasn't involved, and you totally seem to have pulled it off. 

So I can only conclude, Bayer Healthcare Pharmaceuticals, that we either have a major problem with communication here, or you put about as much thought into expressing your, ahem, "appreciation" as goes into those "special gift boxes" of Brut aftershave my employer will sell so many of to the "gotta buy something for the dude I drew in the office gift pool" set this season.

At least with the Brut I could have smelled like a cheap man-whore for a couple hours. I'll think of you Bayer, every time I substitute the Yasmin.  Which I can easily do without you. 
 

Monday, November 17, 2008

I Know It's Not Nice To Make Fun Of The West Virginians, But The West Virginians Make It So Damn Easy.

From The AP wire:


W. Virginia town shrugs at poorest health ranking

HUNTINGTON, W.Va. – As a portly woman plodded ahead of him on the sidewalk, the obese mayor of America's fattest and unhealthiest city explained why health is not a big local issue.

"It doesn't come up," said David Felinton, 5-foot-9 and 233 pounds, as he walked toward City Hall one recent morning.


"But enough about my sex life" he quickly didn't add. "I thought this was going to be an interview about Huntington's ranking as America's unhealthiest city"

God I crack me up. Unlike the West Virginians. Who usually just piss me off every time they put themselves in a position where I can't ignore them. They did do the right thing on election day however by showing the country they are nothing like me or my type. They can continue to show how different they are by dying early while the rest of us live a long and healthy life.

A rare win win situation. You go West Virginia.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Merck Has Better Things To Do With Its Cervical Cancer Vaccine Than To Make A Serious Effort To Stop The Deaths Of Poor Women From Cervical Cancer.

I want to begin my talk with you this afternoon by sharing with you two covers from Time magazine.....

This first cover, from Time's August 18, 1952 edition, pictures a kindly looking George Merck, the modern-day founder of my company. His intelligent blue eyes gaze benevolently toward the future. In the background, a mortar and pestle, an ancient symbol of the pharmaceutical arts, is superimposed over a birds-eye view of Merck's modern research and production facility in Rahway, New Jersey. Under this picture, a George W. Merck quote: "Medicine is for people, not for profits."

Remarks of Raymond V. Gilmartin,
Chairman, President, and Chief Executive Officer,
Merck & Co., Inc.

at
Town Hall Los Angeles
Los Angeles, California
July 29, 2004

For people. Not for profits. Let's keep that in mind as we take a look at what Merck's been up to this week:


HPV vaccine can prevent genital warts in men

Study results bolster drugmaker’s plan to market shots to boys

ATLANTA - For the first time, an expensive vaccine aimed at preventing cervical cancer in women has proven successful at preventing a disease in men, according to a study released Thursday by the vaccine’s maker.

The disease is genital warts — sexually transmitted, embarrassing and uncomfortable — but not life-threatening.

Huh. Because you know what is life threatening? Cervical cancer. As a matter of fact, 260,000 women in the developing world die from cervical cancer every year. All it would take to make that number of deaths fall through the floor is an effort to get girls in the third world together with a physician, nurse, midwife, witch doctor, or pretty much anyone who isn't a total fuckup to administer a vaccine. Hell, even a pharmacist could do it. The result would be nothing short of a revolution in health care for the world's impoverished women. 

Instead, Merck chose to aggressively market Gardasil, its cervical cancer vaccine approved in 2006, not to the women dying of cervical cancer, but to the affluent women of the west who already had the means to prevent the disease. Now it wants to convince you to fork over almost $400 so your boy won't get bumps on his schlong if he's not careful where he sticks it.  

“This opens the door to a wonderful opportunity to prevent illness,” said Anna Giuliano, a researcher at the H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa, Fla.


Great, but you know what's even better than preventing illness? PREVENTING DEATH. Or at least that's what I would think if I were making medicine for people, and not for profit.  Maybe they see things differently at the H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center. Maybe they could rename it the H. Lee Moffitt Center To Prevent Schlong Bumps. 

Reached for comment in the oncology ward of Uganda's Mulago Hospital, 28 year old cervical cancer sufferer Efia Matovu said, "I am so grateful for the nurse who paid for a bottle of alcohol out of her own pocket for me to use. It is such a relief at times to feel its coolness when my fever burns. My nurse shows me yet again the goodness that is in every human heart. It is just a shame that I have had the misfortune to be stricken by a disease for which nothing can be done. I can only hope that one day science will progress to the point where the suffering I have endured can be prevented in others." 

I don't have to tell you the quote from the cancer sufferer is made up. Because you know in the real world no one would care enough what a woman dying of cervical cancer in Africa thinks to make an effort to ask her for a comment. Or to stop her from dying. In the real world corporations like Merck serve up heaping plates of bullshit about people and profits, cover the bullshit in steak sauce, and tell you you've got a ribeye.

I am glad I don't have any bumps on my schlong though. Maybe my perspective would change if I did. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I Think The Better Question Is Why Does It Take So Long For You To Pick Up Your Prescription?

Seriously. All you have to do is give me your goddamn money and walk away. Those are the only requirements you have to meet. Which means you have a hell of a lot of chutzpah asking what took me so long. There's no law that says you must take 5 minutes to make out a check. As a matter of fact, it's perfectly legal for you to make out most of your check ahead of time, before you even approach the counter. If I tried to do your DUR before you even presented me with a prescription, you might have a case for putting me in jail. So back the fuck off. 

You are also under no obligation to answer your phone the second it goes off. I however, am expected to take calls not only from your sorry ilk through the beginning, middle, and end of the prescription filling process, but from unimportant schleps like nurses and doctors with questions of the type that can't be answered by reading your prescription label. 

Which seem to be the only type of questions you can come up with. I love the "grab the bottle while simultaneously asking a question that can only be answered by looking at the bottle" maneuver. That speeds things up. Making both of us wait for you to put the goddamn bottle back down so I can tell you how many refills you have left after you realize you can't read the label that's been in front of your face for 30 seconds makes things nice and quick. Your commitment to speed in your own life only serves to motivate me to ask myself what I can do to make the prescription filling process faster.

Nothing. That's what I can do you fuck. You however, could speed things along quite nicely by not treating me telling you your copay amount as the beginning of a negotiating session. I am not a car dealer.  When I tell you how much your insurance company has determined your share of the cost of your prescription will be, you have two choices. 1) Accept it and pony up or 2) Don't pay it and go away. If you choose #2, I can return your prescription to you, but haggling will only rob us both of time we can never get back, and will never, ever, result in you paying one penny less. I don't care if it was $5 last time, I don't care what the status is of your deductible, and if I did, which let me say again that I don't, I would be powerless to change how much you owe me right now. 

It also helps when you decide you have insurance only after you hear how expensive your prescription will be. Nice and quick that'll make things.

Have you finished making out that check yet? Didn't think so. 

Yes. It was a bad day. I'll be back to my cheery self tomorrow. Maybe. No guarantees on that. 

Monday, November 10, 2008

You Were Good About Putting Up With My Politics Posts. You Were Better In Picking A President. Have Some Highlights From Friday's Pill Counting Action

First question of the day: "My doctor told me to take some aspirin for my heart. What should I get? Tylenol?"

Second question of the day: "Do you sell aspirin here?" The person honest to God wandered into a drugstore and wasn't sure if the drugstore would stock aspirin. 

Which is not Tylenol by the way. I went to school for 5 years so I would be prepared to clear up confusion like this. 

My employer thought it was time to dress us all in new lab coats. They showed up 2 weeks ago, but today was the first day I had one of them on.  When my tech showed up, 15 minutes late, her first words were "Oh you're wearing the new coat! You look like a girl!" Great. 

That may have been why a couple hours later a customer invited me to "suck some cock," because I looked like a girl. Or maybe because when we told him his prescription would take about 20 minutes, and he said "I'LL BE BACK IN TEN!!" I said " you'll be waiting for another ten then" 

Good thing Proposition 8 passed in California, or the angry customer may have asked me to marry him. Unless he thought I looked like a girl. 

An actual question from an actual doctor's office around hour 5. "Why did you send me this prior auth? I'm just the prescriber!!"

For those of you not in the profession, I'll tell you it is the prescriber's responsibility to obtain a prior auth from your insurance company. 99.999% of prescribers realize this. Your insurance will not take a prior auth request from me. Even if I whine and cry like a girl.

A man at the cash register called his wife and talked for 10 minutes discussing the best way to pay his $5 copay. They decided on a debit card. Then changed their mind to cash. Then back to the debit card. The lesson to be learned; technology is vital to the functioning of a modern economy. God forbid we go back to 1990 when he just would have given me a fucking Lincoln and had 9 extra minutes in his day. And not had a cellphone bill.

The guy in line behind cellphone douche asked "Do you need a prescription to buy a pill cutter?" 

5 years to be able to handle these questions my friends. 

About an hour later a customer had a complaint. The sign above the pet aisle read "Dried Cat Food, Cat Food, Cat Litter, Dog Food" Cats were mentioned three times, dogs once. That's what the customer felt the need to complain about.

You know why you shouldn't bother your pharmacist with stuff like this, other than the fact that he's busy filling your goddamn prescription and stuff like this doesn't have a thing to do with your goddamn prescription? Because the pharmacist labor shortage frees me up to say things like "I couldn't care less about the pet food signs ma'am" to your face when you bother me with stuff like this, which is exactly what happened. You're way better off finding the community college dropout assistant manager who might actually get fired for calling out your odd obsession with equal time for dogs. Just a tip. 

At hour 10 a customer told my keystone tech "you've had a long day." Hour 10 for me I should say. It was hour 8 for my keystone tech, who was about ready to go home. I got to stick around for 2 more hours and ponder how much people appreciate my actual real long days.

Tylenol is not aspirin. Goodnight. 

Sunday, November 09, 2008

So The Beginning Of My Professional Blogging Career Turns Out To Be A Lot Like When King Missile Got A Job Driving A Cheesecake Truck

So then I got this idea about driving a cheesecake truck,

Because I figured at the end of the day I could take some of the leftover cheesecakes home,

And I love cheesecake.

So I went to the cheesecake company,

And they asked me if I could drive a truck,

And I said yes and they said you're hired.

So the next day I got in the truck with all the cheesecakes,

And I drove about a block and I just had to have a cheesecake.

So I pulled over and I opened the trunk and I got a cheesecake,

And I also took one for later,

And I took one for my friend Farmboy,

And I took one to bring home,

And by that time I had eaten one of the cheesecakes.

So I took another one.

Then I figured I might as well stop at my house to drop off all the cheesecakes.

So I take five cakes to eat on the way,

And I drive another block and a half to my house.

Now it's lunchtime so I eat ten cheesecakes and a cheesecake for desert.

I should point out by the way that all of these cheesecakes were very delicious.

Anyway, I decided that the only thing to do would be to eat all the rest of the cheesecakes and hide the truck somewhere and leave town.

And I miss everybody a lot,

But I'm not really sorry,

Because they were very delicious cheesecakes.

I completely understand. 

For my non-regular readers out there I'll explain my good friend Katie The Jewgirl recently held what she called the "McCunt Essay Contest." Thanks to your votes, I won a set of Bojamacakes. You can take a look at my essay here if you are so inclined. 

I'm not sure how many Bojamacakes there were, because I started eating them before I could count. I've eaten a lot, and these are the only two left. They will probably be gone before I'm done typing this:
 

And I'm not really sorry, because they were very delicious Bojamacakes. 

You can get your own from Uniquely Yours Pastry Shoppe. You cannot have any of mine, because as predicted, they are now gone. 

I am glad I don't have to leave town though.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

If You'd Like To Make An Extortion Threat, Press 5. Thank You For Holding. All Of Our Representatives Are Busy Taking Other Extortion Threats.

Through the magic of the Internet, we go to the AP business wire:



WASHINGTON – Express Scripts said Thursday it has received a letter demanding money from the company under the threat of exposing records of millions of patients.

The threat was made in an anonymous letter that the company turned over to federal investigators. 



In the letter, the extortionist expresses frustration with his earlier efforts to contact the company via telephone.

"After repeated calls to your headquarters, the shortest of which resulted in sitting on hold for 45 minutes, I have concluded a letter may be the only hope I ever have of establishing any contact with your organization.  I will therefore raise my demands by 1 million dollars as compensation for my lost time" says the unknown letter writer.

 Not really. I made that part up. I'd be willing to bet if you call the Express Scripts help desk on a regular basis I may have had you going though. 

  
The letter, received in early October, included personal information on 75 people covered by Express Scripts, including birth dates, social security numbers and prescription information.

A company spokesman said Express waited to reveal the breach "to give the investigation time to proceed and get under way."


Uh, yeah. Again, being painfully familiar with Express Scripts customer service and claim payment track record, I'll put up a twenty that "to give the investigation time to proceed and get under way." means "we never got around to opening the letter until yesterday" 

Good luck Express Scripts cardholders. Enjoy yet another benefit of  privately run, for profit health care.  

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Election Wrap Up. The Al Franken Millennium On Hold, Voters In Florida Do What Al-Qaeda Cannot, Iowa Increases Its Electorate By A Factor Of 10,000

It'll be back to the pills soon my friends, I promise, but first some loose ends to wrap up from the election night that turned hope loose once again in the country. 

Hope that will be needed in Minnesota, where Al Franken's bid to unseat a United States Senator who has never denied being a member of Al-Qaeda goes to an automatic recount. Unofficial election night results show Norm Coleman, who has never denied being a member of the organization that carried out the attacks of 9/11, even when directly asked by me, ahead by 477 votes out of over 2.8 million cast. Despite a state law that automatically triggers a recount in elections closer than 0.5%, and despite cases, like the 2004 Governor's race in Washington state, where election night results were indeed reversed after such recounts, Norm Coleman  plastered the word "VICTORY" on his website, and told the press with a straight face that he would "step back" if he were in Franken's position. Proving that while his connection to Al-Qaeda may be unknown, there is no doubt Coleman is a world class douche bag. 

I don't have to tell you that Norm Coleman never denying membership in Al-Qaeda, while technically true, is written with tongue firmly in cheek. In Florida though, there really was a lunatic running for Congress who thought that Al Jazeera might be trying to kidnap him by luring him to a fake television interview. Allen West thwarted that terrorist plot, but was unable to stop the vast conspiracy that delivered an electoral ass-kicking.

Back to Minnesota quickly, where Elwyn Tinklenberg came sooooooo close to winning that state's 6th District Congressional race, in the end though, he came up a little short, thereby depriving me of many, many jokes that would have involved the name "Congressman Elwyn Tinklenberg." Dammit. 

Voters in Arizona, Florida, and California passed anti-gay marriage measures, ensuring a continuing healthy sex life for gays and lesbians in those states. Seriously gay people, be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it one day. 

In Colorado, South Dakota, and California, draconian restrictions on a woman's right to an abortion went down to defeat. Again. Ensuring that the Christian lunatics will be back next election with something more obnoxious so they can waste all our time by making us kick their ass. Again. 

In what I'm sure is a blow to my good friend, and by "good friend" I mean "person I've never met but who was like the 2nd human to ever read this blog," Romius T,  South Carolina amended its state constitution to eliminate language that set the legal age of consent for unmarried women at 14 years old.  The constitutional clause conflicted with South Carolina statutory law, which set the age of consent at a much more responsible..... 16. 

By far my favorite nugget of the night though, comes from the state of Iowa, I'll let Time magazine set the stage:

Iowa Public Measure D, also known as "Idiot Amendment," will change the language of the constitution, which currently prohibits an individual from voting if he or she is deemed an "idiot or insane."

"We decided it really wasn't fair to let the same 5 people decide everything election after election" said Des Moines resident Wally Dunlap, one of the 0.00002% of Iowans eligible to vote under the original Constitutional language. "And once we saw that dumbass plumber get his 15 minutes of fame this year, we really thought the trend just wasn't worth fighting anymore"

I still would have voted to keep the idiots away from the voting booth. It'll make re-electing Obama so much easier if we can keep the idiots away from the voting booth.

Disclaimer- Wally Dunlap isn't real. Everyone and everything else mentioned is.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

A True Story About John McCain I Can Tell You Now That The Election Is Over.

I don't have to tell most of you that John McCain was a fighter pilot in the Navy during the Vietnam War. I don't have to tell you that he was shot down, captured, held prisoner and tortured by the Vietnamese for 5 and a half years. 

And I don't mean the kind of torture that we do in Guantanamo where we're careful not to leave any marks. The Vietnamese didn't care anything about leaving marks. They beat the living piss out of John McCain and then would hang him from the ceiling in his cell by his broken arms when they were done. That's why you never saw him raise his arms during the campaign. He can't. At one point during his captivity he weighed less than a hundred pounds. That's not the story I want to tell you though. The story I want to tell you starts in that prison cell, with the voice of a person named David Ifshin.

Ifshin was president of the National Student Association, and in 1970 he went to Hanoi to urge American troops to turn against the war. His words were broadcast over Radio Hanoi repeatedly and into the cell that was John McCain's living hell. 

You might expect that the two men would have gone on to become bitter lifelong enemies. You would be wrong. Ifshin went on to be general counsel of Bill Clinton's presidential campaign, a fact that didn't sit very well with many of the veterans of the war Ifshin had railed against. Some of these veterans heckled the president during his first Memorial Day speech, waving signs that read "Tell us about David Ifshin

John McCain gave a speech on the floor of the Senate that day. “Let me tell you about David Ifshin…" McCain said. "David is a friend of mine.”

"I wanted the protesters to know that they were bearing false witness against a good man." McCain said later."His friendship honored me and honors me still."

 You see, although both McCain and Ifshin came to radically different conclusions, both men passionately believed in doing what was best for the country. Both men came to see that in the other and to respect the others' commitment. 

I was going to write a tongue in cheek post tonight about kicking the Republicans when they were down. It would have been really funny. But after hearing Obama's victory speech tonight, I decided to tell you this story instead. Because my friends, I can't help but feel there was a tectonic shift in this country tonight. A much welcome shift in the tone we are going to get from our leader over the next 8 years. After hearing the man I had hoped so long for, finally making the speech that I so longed for him to make, well, a post about kicking the Republicans when they were down just seemed so.........Bushy. 

And Bush already seems like ancient history, doesn't he?

I'll be dammed if there isn't a little hope in the land tonight. 


  

Monday, November 03, 2008

Four Years Ago Tomorrow.

Was the night I discovered scotch. I had made myself a promise, almost 2 years earlier, that at the end of election day, 2004, I would be able to look myself in the mirror and tell myself I had done everything I could to stop the Bush war machine. My knees hurt. My legs were fucking tired. It was the end of a long road and I looked myself in the mirror. My promise was kept. There was nothing else to do except finally sleep. I didn't watch the results come in because there was nothing left in my tank that would affect them. 

It's hard to describe what it feels like to commit yourself to a political campaign to someone who's never done it. It consumes you. For every hour you have to give it gladly takes five. You meet good people working for exactly what you're working for. You can't let them down. So you walk one more block. You plaster on one more smile. You listen to another little old lady discuss her strategy for a winning campaign because you want to make sure she casts her ballot. You phone, you walk, you pass out leaflets. Because you believe in what you're doing and you can't let the others down. You're a team, and for 2 years, you've almost been like a family. 


I have wished for so long...
How I wish for you again

Will I walk the long road?
I cannot stay
There's no need to say goodbye

Oh, the friends and family...
All the memories going round
Round, round round...

I have wished for so long...
How I wished for you today

I woke up and had to know. It was the wee hours of the morning now, and that was the song playing at the volunteer headquarters downstairs. One look around and I knew. We fought so hard, for so long, and our long road was a dead end. 

To cap it off a snowstorm was closing in on Reno. Ever cognizant of the history of the Donner party, I decided it best to consider myself stuck in the Biggest Little City In The World. 

And the wind keeps rollin'
And the sky keeps turning grey
And the sun is set......


That night I wandered into the hotel bar and discovered Laphroaig

.....The sun will rise another day

Sure. Maybe sometime in the next generation we'll realize what a fuckup George The Lessor was. For now though, we are screwed. Guantanamo. Wiretaps. Torture. Many, many gallons of blood on our hands and we just blew our chance to stop it. Barkeep....another shot......

I have never been so happy to be so wrong. We're on the verge of the sun coming up tomorrow my friends. You know there are no guarantees though. It doesn't happen if the ballots are not cast. Cast yours. Please. 

Because honestly, I'm ready to put away the scotch for awhile. 


Sunday, November 02, 2008

Pre-Election Picture #2. You Know, When Bill Clinton Did This It Was With A Human, And The Republicans Thought It An Impeachable Offence. Just Sayin'


Suit on the left: "Once again Mr. President, on behalf of the American Poultry Council, I'd just like to say how happy we are that you took some time out of your busy schedule in honor of National Turkey Farmer appreciation week."

Turkey: "I'll do anything for one of those Presidential Thanksgiving pardons........anything.

Bush: "Ahhhhh....ugggghhh....ohmygod get it off!!! Wait.....don't"

Suit in the middle: "Uh....Bob...seriously....I think there might be something wrong"

Both the suits are now in Guantanamo. The turkey has often been seen in the vicinity of the Lincoln bedroom. 

Thanks to the alert reader who sent in the pic. 

One More Time Before The Election, Just Because I Love This Picture So Goddamned Much

Oh man I'll miss this picture after Tuesday:


I mean, I hope I'll miss this picture after Tuesday. 

Because I hope, after Tuesday, these two men will be quickly forgotten.

This is the season of hope you know. Do the right thing in the voting booth my friends.